Eating Disorder Talk

The past few months have brought anewed relapse moments. If you’ve been reading for a while, maybe even since my first post, you likely know almost all there is to know about me. That being said, since the past four months have been an emotional rollercoaster, it’s become obvious that though I may not be in official relapse mode, my balance is precarious. I’ve recently written about concerns I have for myself and my stature here, here, here and here. Yes, I do write about myself a lot - comes with the territory of being self-involved and having little to no outlet for it, besides blogging.

So recent emotional traumas, lifestyle battles, lack of motivation and shopping excursions have lead me to this point. A point wherein I will be turning over a new leaf. Previously, I’ve tried to recover for someone else: because of guilt, love, reprimand, fear, any of the kind of emotions that will eventually lead to being alone and feeling unacceptable.

This is the beginning of something new for me, because I don’t want to do this for my daughter, or for friends, lovers, family or my readers on the internet. I don’t even want to do it for my own health. I want to do it for my sanity. Stress can lead in so many wonderful and horrible directions, it can affect your immunity and productivity. And try getting cold after flu, after infection and work from home with a toddler who has little immunity built up in all of her 15 months!

Basically, it can be summed up as this:

• I’m tired of being tired.
• I’m exhausted from fighting for everything and ultimately being happy with little that I am rewarded.
• I am getting weakened from the constant sink or swim of everyday life - and I used to consider myself a strong person.
• I’m sad to see my true image in the mirror every epiphany or so, and see a lightly-padded, tired, quickly aging skeleton with sagging skin staring back.
• I miss feeling like accomplishments meant something, more than an hour after they were accomplished.
• I’m interested in feeling healthy and fulfilled, not like I’m consistently fighting off something and a failure at the moment of waking.

There will be more news to come. And for the record, this is not just a recovery from an eating disorder, it’s recovery from a self-damaging life - emotionally, habitually and practically. I’ll also be launching a new (related) blog, soon, so when it’s up and running, you’ll be the first ones to know!