Eating Disorder Talk

To anyone who knows me outside of this blog, you know that I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress lately - the past few months, especially, but specifically, I’m talking about the past few weeks. I’m a stay at home mom to what many websites, people and books call a “spirited baby.” I’m a single stay at home mom to a spirited baby.

I don’t sleep very much; find myself saying the words “please” and “listen to mommy” more than I hear my peers saying them; and a good day means she wakes up when I’ve already had a half of a cigarette and made a cup of coffee, then naps 4.5 hours later for 2.5+ hours and then goes to bed another 4.5 hours later, without waking up during the night. There aren’t a lot of good days - like that, anyways. She’s makes most days good, don’t get me wrong. And if I could, I’d like little more than to devote my entire life to her, but I can’t since…

I work from home when she allows me to - meaning if a deadline looms and Dora the Explorer is available, sometimes I punch out a quick blog post in the morning. Most of the time though, I work when she’s asleep, either in bed for the night or during a nap. Or during those nap-strike weeks, when she’s crashed out in her stroller and I’ve got a notebook and pen with me - I can get some notes down.

I always have a notebook and pen with me.

So work has been building up because she’s gone through three nap strikes in the past few months. And it’s taken it’s toll on my weight, my life, her routine, my routine. It seems the world is upside-down sometimes because I’m torn between working to provide some economic support for us, and devoting my entire days to her development and entertainment, as I used to before becoming her primary caregiver.

I wrote in the past about realizing that I wasn’t relapsing, that I was just not taking enough time to eat - but as it comes to my mind more and more often, I wonder:

“How can I have time to eat, if I can’t even have time to work?”

Sure, I could make plans to eat every meal with my daughter - then I’d be eating as much and often as a toddler, at least. But I’ve found that this is a magical time, see, because when she’s eating, she’s not running around and I am free to be productive. This can mean cleaning up, doing dishes, writing for one of the three websites I publish on, reading other people’s work, crocheting, bookkeeping, creating information databases for one of my bookkeeping clients or even, sometimes, if I’m feeling daring, showering. (don’t worry, all of these things are done with her less than 10 feet from me, completely aware at all times of any choking hazard.

So, what, do I use up the precious sleeping times to eat? Some days, that can mean not eating between the hours of 6am and 9pm. And besides, those are the working hours, remember? Do I really need to get an average, out-of-the-house job and put her into daycare, just to get a minimum of 1500 calories?

What do you think?