Recovery Journal: Entry 7
My New Year’s Resolutions are for once, shaping up nicely and have not all been thrown in the toilet immediately. Yes, I realize that it’s only the fourth day of the year and so, I haven’t technically had much time to break up with them, yet; but you’d be amazed at my ability to back out of plans I’ve made for myself. It’s astounding, really.
Last year, I made 27 resolutions. I didn’t keep a single one of them. Nothing, seriously, even lasted past the first couple of days.
So here’s the deal: every day, I snack liberally. If I’m hungry, I eat. I generally share whatever my daughter is having, then eat a big dinner (fast!) and then, once toddler bedtime has come and I’m reading and updating blogs, I sit with whatever catches my fancy and I eat. Until I’m like, overfull but satisfied, psychologically. I don’t feel guilt because of how I eat during the rest of the day and especially because of this one little fact:
I’m not gaining weight like an anorexic who is binge eating croissants, chocolate, ice cream, chips and pasta should. I’m not really gaining weight at all, besides the usual period-related water-retention. Sure, I’ve got some inches on my waist - I am truly confident that those damn tortilla chips and the five-layer dip I ate them with caused a catastrophic sponging of water to make up for the massive salt influx - but the scale? Not so much as the five pounds I hear other women complain about, women who have normalized metabolisms and have not convinced their body that they may never eat again.
In fact, since writing the above paragraphs, I needed to put my toddler back to sleep - in the room where the scale lives. Keeping in mind that in the past two hours I have eaten half of a 230g bag of Reese’s Miniatures, you might be as shocked as me to know that my weight is currently 98 pounds. My waist and hips? 23.5 and 34 inches, repsectively. Meaning an overall loss of two pounds and an inch off of my hips, and a gain of half an inch on my waist.
It’s been five and a half weeks and I’ve made little physical progress. Really, I’ve back-slid. Yet, I find myself much more comfortable with my eating choices and just the fact that I can, am allowed, and should, eat. Until another day.
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:43 am
Im tryig to gain weihgt from recovering with anorexia and finally now I am actually going to do it. I EAT SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!! For about 2.5 days I have had one ensure, like no lie 20 homemade chocolate cookies and burgers frys so much like eating all the time because I want to gain the weihgt back so that I can get back into my sports I was a college athlete but had to stop playing because of my weight. The question is do you think that I am going to gain it all in my stomach or the question is should I try to gain it all at once or is that unhealthy nad the pounds are going to keep coming even when I reach my goal weihgt which is like 10 lbs away.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hello. I don’t know if you still write this blog somewhere else, or if you check it at all…. i hope you found your way through recovery and maybe you could help me. I have just started and not only am I dealing with adding foods and calories, but I hadn’t even realized I had been restricting. I wonder if you kept a personal journal or diary of some sort. You wrote about gold stars but i wondered whether that was a metaphor or if you actually keep track… if you have any advice I would appreciate it. kittygirl39 @aol.com