Eating Disorder Talk

I came across an article on one of my blog feeds, and though not directly related to eating disorders, it caused the tiny hamster wheel to start squeaking in my brain.

Roles in people suffering and recovering from and those at risk of developing an eating disorder are quite important, though rarely discussed. When you first dabble in the illness, before it’s taken control and while you’re still ‘on a diet,’ ‘eating a little extra because of the ________’ or ‘just using a little extra laxatives to lend a hand for maintenance,’ you’re in your usual lifestyle. You’re a child, a parent, a niece, an aunt, a teacher, lawyer, babysitter, student, church-congregant, what have you. You’re you.

Once the condition really sets in though, there’s a shift.

You become a double-lifer, someone who hides a part of themselves from other people, who shields to protect, who withdraws to conceal. You become aware, sort of like abused children who will protect their parents, that what you’re doing isn’t right or healthy, but it is what it is and that protection makes you a parent to the illness, sort of.

You also become a student to it. Learning what does and doesn’t work, what is safe to do and not, what that type of dizziness means and how to rid yourself of it enough to keep going until the next time it comes.

Once you’re really far gone, you’re that abusive child I just spoke of. You defend it’s honour and righteousness and you will not have anyone speak ill of this condition that has become your parent. Sure, it tells you you’re ugly, stupid, unspecial and a failure everyday upon waking. But it holds you closely and protects you from yourself and since you’re such a bad person (child), you’re really thankful for it.

Once you begin recovery, you’re assigned the role of estranged daughter - you’ve left and disappointed your family and you feel torn between letting them down and doing what you think is right for yourself (some of the time). Flash forward to recovered, as much as a person can be, and you’re now the former popular girl from high school who fell from the social heavens due to a drunken homecoming dance conception.

You’re ostracized, to a certain degree, from those that supported your disordered eating - just not publicly. Sure, they don’t tell you to your face that you’re beneath them, but the gossiping about your holier-than-thou attitude is rampant. “Sure she’s recovered, but just look at what she’s done to herself,” can be heard with a telescopic bug. They will hug you and kiss you and congratulate you, but they won’t mean it.

Flash forward further and you may find yourself a teacher, educating those around you and not such as the case of my blog, about the dangers and the inherently addictive properties eating disorders have. You tell anyone who wants to know and also those who don’t about your own struggle and about those you’ve spoken with, counseled, befriended and helped.

You’ve come full-circle, it seems, to take on the challenging role of cautionary host. More so, you find fault in so many things you become the eating disorder version of ultra-politically correct, dodging comments and advertisements and song lyrics that hit the wrong buttons. At some point, you take to task nearly everything considerable as a trigger or self-esteem blow and in all honesty, are a ticking time bomb.

The thing is: you always were a ticking time bomb, you’ve just switched teams.