Recovery Journal: Entry 4
Obsession. That is the word of the day. I wrote yesterday about having that half of a croissant - something forbidden for over a decade. And I’ve thought about it all day, off and on. I can remember it’s texture, taste, the guilt it inspired and the pride I felt upon eating it, despite the guilt.
I walked past that grocery store again, and I thought of going in, just to buy another one. I contemplated finding a recipe and making my own. I could add flavours! I could make cheese! Or apple-cinnamon ones with raisins! I could never actually buy one croissant at a grocery store and only that - that’s something a fat girl might do.
These mental dialogues are what plagues you. What drives you to restrict, deny, work off food.
I remember being pregnant and switching to whole milk in my daily Starbucks visits (I would get a chai, or occasionally a decaf white mocha) - the first sip I had of a yummy steaming con dolce beverage made my heart sing. I even commented that it was so much tastier with whole milk and that I had been an idiot for years. I had not had anything fattier than 1% milk for about 15 years and it was a revelation of flavours once I was ‘allowed’ to indulge.
But I didn’t allow myself today. I didn’t buy that croissant.
A step in the right direction though, was when my blood sugar started to crash and I bought an egg salad sandwich. Sure, it was on 16-grain bread and half made of lettuce, but just knowing that another third of it was mayo and butter and still inhaling it, for my health - that was a gold star in the recovery column.
We’re missing a star in the weight column though. I’ve been all-too-aware of the 2.5 pounds I gained, and whether they all stuck or not. They didn’t. But, I just have to remain conscious of the fact that weighing yourself more often than once a week, for instance, is not truly indicative of weight gain (or loss). So, we’ll see what Monday’s verdict is.
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:00 am
So what’s the verdict today?
December 6th, 2007 at 2:14 am
[…] Journal: Entry 5 by Terra Atrill Last week, I talked about obsessing over a food I wouldn’t allow myself for the past decade, croissants. I’m happy to report that I’ve made it through a 4-pack of croissant in just as many […]
December 15th, 2007 at 9:45 am
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce