Eating Disorder Talk

So sorry. Just opened a show and am finishing up opening weekend. By today, I will be posting a lot of blogs in a row to make up for my time missed.

Have a great day!

In season 5 of Nip Tuck (episodes 3 and 4), a plastic surgeon dates an actress who is a closet binger. It was something I could relate to and I appreciated how her role was written. I don’t feel like eating disorders are acknowledged in the serious manner the way they should be in the media. Many times, I watch a movie where they have the popular high school girls throwing up to stay thin. This is done in a light manner to emphasize what terrible girls they are … I get the joke. I get their intention and it fits with a stereotype. I don’t dwell on it, but I do not like that I see more eating disorders presented in that manner rather than the serious, gentle and respected manner it deserves. It is an addiction and it is good to see tv characters portrayed in a real way - a way where other addicts can completely relate with the characters.

In these episodes in Nip Tuck, that’s what I got. Even if the story line was not real, it felt real and I felt like I was not alone.
Thank you, Nip Tuck!

Do you get acid reflux when you binge? I ask cause I totally get that … and it is terrible. I don’t think I have mentioned this yet - I am a performer. That is what I do and I am grateful for my life. I have had a fear of sharing this fact on the blog because of “other people’s opinions.” I do not want to be judged and I really don’t think I can handle it. But, in case someone else out there has the same profession - you are not alone (alwaysauditioning.com - my other blog).
Back to the reflux: I can taste it and it frightens me when I feel it. It messes up my singing voice (what I need for work). It forces me to go on immediate vocal rest because it really does damage my chords and I need to be in great vocal condition for my shows/auditions. If anything, binging pushes me into isolation at times when I really know that is the last thing I need.
Acid reflux is a nightmare come true for me.

despite their good intentions, just do not understand eating disorders. If you don’t have a problem with food, I understand how it would be hard to comprehend how a person could “fall into a binge.”

This afternoon, some lovely new friends of mine gave me their strong thoughts and opinions about my eating disorder with the idea of “just don’t do it.” I thanked for the input, but hearing it only made me want to cry. I felt very ashamed of myself. My terrible binges. The fact that I am still praying to be normal around food - I felt like an idiot. Even if that was not the intention, that is how I felt.
The worse thing is - I binged last night and I feel super ashamed and awful about it. Ironically, instead of talking to an actual person about it, I am telling people online. … and I feel so ashamed. It is only 7:49pm and I want to go to bed because I feel so weak about myself.
In reaction to the last binge, I have been over exercising and I plan to do more of it tomorrow on my day off.
It is what it is … and I am feeling pretty ashamed and crappy about myself right now.

At times, eating out can really cause stress because I almost always obsess about what I just ate right afterward. My mind goes through all these analytical questions about everything I just ate like:
How much food was that exactly?
Was it too much or too little?
If it is too little, what should I get to get the amount I am supposed to get?
Since I am eating out, I can try other peoples food, right?
How much fat was in that one bite?
The list of questions can go on and on. I then start to worry about the other people who saw me eat. Will they think that what I just ate contradicted my healthy lifestyle? Am I a fake? Are they totally judging me and thinking I am a freak?
Yeah, eating out can cause a lot more stress than it should.

I was at work today and worked through lunch. It was rough. I was light headed and hardly functioning at the end of the day. I hate it when I get like this. This is when I really want and feel like I need to eat everything in sight. I was at the beginning stages of hunger pains when I finally sat down with my coworkers to eat. I had a great, healthy meal. I had also packed some food for lunch because I was not sure if we would get to go out to eat. Well, we did and it didn’t feel like it was enough cause I was just plain starving! It really sucks when I get to that point because as a food addict, I get to this uncomfortable point of desperation for food and I don’t know how to think. I ended up eating the meal I packed as well (accounting for my dinner, I guess). I was not happy after the meal because I ate my final two meals so close together. I don’t like that feeling of starvation. In this case, it was not my choice, but simultaneously, the work needed to be done. … I just don’t like days like these. Being overly hungry totally sucks and makes me more desperate than I ever want to be.

Yeah! Duh! I find that even if an individual is letting go of one addiction, another thing is taken on. It could be anything. For me, the dream come true would be for my addictive behaviors to (only) be healthy and stress free. I am now living in an addition and I am working and praying to give it to G-d. The stress from being a negative addiction like food/cigarettes/(fill in the blank) is so freakin draining. If you are someone reading this and totally do not agree - I honestly believe you are in deep denial. Get out of it. Denial is the worst and only gets you to delve in deeper with your addiction. If you have addictive behavior, it doesn’t just disappear. News flash - it never will. It takes daily effort and self love to get out of your main addiction daily, but once that new habit is accomplished, it almost feels natural to just jump into another. I wish I was wrong, but it is nothing but true.

I have been really thinking about this for awhile. On days when I am not having a problem and sticking with my food and such, food is not something I want to talk about. I fear that sometimes it is this blog that gets me to think about food again … when I don’t want to. I love it when I am not thinking about food and I am focusing on my life. But then again, it comes recommended by so many people to journal regularly … but this is totally not a journal. Similar, but not the same.
Today was one of those days when I did not want to write about food. I was very proud of myself because I did not partake in the hefty Easter meal happening with my co-workers. I was there to socialize and I had a great time.
I apologize for not having much to say about food today - I am just not in the mood. I’m too busy enjoying my life today.

P.S. This guy in this video below is ignorant to eating disorders.

I feel like I am on a schedule like a baby would be right now. I have to wake up at a certain time to eat in order to have enough to digest. Burping is not a good sign because it means I have eaten to quickly or that I have a lot of reflux in active in the stomach. The time I need to digest my food - two hours. If I was not an active person, this would not matter, however, I am an active gal. So, I have to really time out every meal. I even have to give myself two hours before I sleep - for digestion. As a singer, I cannot afford to have acid going up to my throat. Even if I was not a singer, the voice is vital for most jobs. So, everything I do it totally timed out. I am on some baby schedule for myself. Eating becomes a chore at times and there is always a sense of relief when I have finished a meal “on time.” Is this what it is like to be an adult? Cause I feel more like an elderly woman with the way I have to eat in order to remain healthy.

Dude, how many times am I going to say I am back on track? I feel myself saying it over and over again and at this point it is only annoying me. Can’t I just always be on track and have food just not be a big deal. I want to just be normal and enjoy myself. … but the reality - this seems impossible. I got some books about over eating and hope they will really help me in my pickle. I am learning as I go and I do appreciate all the learning. However, at this point, I just want to be on my game all the time. I want to be in the weight range where I am happy and comfortable and call it a day. For me, that would be a dream. I would love to have that for myself. I would love to sit in the weight range and just be happy. I guess the key to my last statement is “happiness.” I want to be happy. In the food, I am not happy. Out of the food, I am floating in this care-free world where I can focus more on the people and not just myself.

I don’t know about you, but the holidays can be such a pain in the ass for me. Sorry for the swearing, but it is all about the food. It is everywhere and I find it to be totally haunting at these “festive” times. It totally becomes all about the food. At Passover dinner, the traditional foods are offered in abundance. It is hard to walk away with leftovers. Who wants leftovers? That is one way to binge. I am Jewish, but I heard for Easter there is a meal involved as well. Does there always have to be a meal involved? I wish it was about the games and the people. It is depressing how much food brings people together. Why can’t people just bring people together? G-d forbid someone throws a party without food. Don’t get me wrong - I love these gatherings, however, as a food addict, it is not easy for me.

Now that I have focused more on food combining, I have learned and felt huge differences in my body. When I have food that is not properly put together, my acid reflux acts up. Even if there are small hints of a reaction, I have become more aware of it. As you may have guessed, when I binge, my acid reflux goes all over the place. I can taste the acid in my mouth as I try to go to bed that evening.
When I properly food combine, the food that I usually eat passes through my body even faster. I find myself getting hungry because the portions I eat don’t fill me anymore. So, I have increased my food intake. That’s fine with me. I don’t stress over it. If anything, I enjoy myself because I get to eat more food. The food addict in me loves the idea of eating more food.

So, now I am figuring out what amount of food is a good amount that will make my body content. Notice - said my body and not my mind. My mind is a piggy bastard, but my body knows what is best. I am going to add a portion of grain into my diet and see how things work out accordingly. Fun. I am the type of person who likes looking at everything as a learning experience. For me, this process of food combining is a great learning experience.

This is so true. After a binge, I feel like major crap. After just eating a burger and fries, I can feel the acid come up from my stomach and hit my throat. Life in fruits and veggies is the way to go. I can see an immediate difference by the way by body reacts to things. I have so much more energy and feel almost like I can conquer the world! When I eat crap, there is this underlying weight pulling me to the ground. I swear, this is so much better.

What have I eaten so far today? I had fruit in the morning and veggies and protein for lunch and dinner. Well, I haven’t had my dinner yet, but I will have it soon. … and I am totally looking forward to it. Self love. I am giving myself some loving with my food.
Okay I had to walk away from my blog for a moment and now that I have gone back to read what I wrote, I want to roll my eyes. I want to hit myself and delet everything that I have said. I can be such a cheese-ball when I get really into things. In this case, I am going to stop myself from deleting and try to get myself back to appreciating what I have been doing for my body today. Today I am going to focus on the positive and not judge myself. Life is so much better when I do that for myself.
How could self-love be a bad thing?

You don’t have to look fat to feel fat. I could simply see some stunning girl in a cute outfit looking absolutely beautiful and feel fat. Or I can just put on a particular top. … or I can binge. When I binge, it takes away my love for my body. Not forever because I stop binging for awhile after a binge. No matter what, I cannot deny how I feel about my reflection in the mirror. I don’t like it. I can see my body has grown a bit after eating all the crap. I feel so terrible and I don’t like it. Then, the cravings that remain after the binge for a couple of days - that is not fun either. So, here I am - tired and feeling all crappy. It sucks, but it is what it is. I know, I know, I am a skinny girl. It doesn’t mean that I have the same self image problems. Even when I call myself skinny, I imagine my big butt looking horrible in tight jeans.
This is how I am feeling at the moment. Hopefully, this feeling will pass soon.

Yes, I had another binge. It wasn’t so bad. I told my friend what I ate. If anything, it was like I had some junk food. To me, eating junk is a binge. Well, for the first time ever, I was not in a bad mood after the binge. Why? I realized what makes me vulnerable to my binging. I discovered the one thing I have in common with all of my binging - sleep deprivation. When I am unbelievably tired (like yesterday), everything shuts down. Jumping into the food is something that feels natural at that point.
I found this video and loved what this gentleman had to say about being well rested. He makes many points that totally pertain to me. So, now I really know the biggest thing for me - getting enough sleep. So, that is my focus now. I am still recovering from my moving exhaustion, so I am giving my body the rest it needs.
Amen!