Eating Disorder Talk

My heart goes out to this brave woman. Food is an addiction and she has put herself in the spotlight - hoping to be cured/escape from the disease.

Food tastes fabulous. No doubt. It is not easy for everyone to just walk away from the food. It is such a source of entertainment. Unfortunately, Kirstie in a position where she can be made fun of or supported in her yo yo dieting. The thing is - she is totally not alone and not to be criticized.

I did not get to see the entire episode on Oprah. I don’t like the idea of her being criticized. As a foodie, I am already hard enough on myself. I hope they were kind to her the whole time. If anything, she deserves constant love and support. I may be wrong - I am just going from what I need.

I am in adoration of this actress. I think she is a strong, easily relate-able human being. I support her journey and wish her only happiness.

I am somehow still sober. And when I say sober, I am talking about not bingeing. I don’t have a clue on how it has happened. That’s a lie. I totally know how. I go to bed at a good time instead of staying up and eating. I talk to my friends openly when I feel a binge coming on. I find something else to do. … I am using life to my advantage and therefore, I am feeling great about myself. Being out of the food is such a release for me.
It is great to look in the mirror and feel good about myself. That is exactly how I have been feeling. It is fantastic. I am not even wearing the most form fitting stuff… just overall, I am feeling great!
So, here I am during my dinner break before my next show. I am not eating. I finished my meal almost an hour ago and I feel satisfied. My mind may very possibly start banging and begging for me to eat soon, but I have the support here to help me stay on track. It feels so great to be out of the food and in continuous sobriety.

For anyone who is struggling with food today, please know it is possible to find a light at the end of the tunnel. The process of getting there may be rocky and not so easy, but it is totally possible.

Don’t mistake my longing to be loved with my longing to be thin.

This is my interpretation of the eye-opening message I got when reading this great book called “When Food is Love.” Wow. So true for me. I have been observing myself as I start to feel more thin and more confident the longer I stay away from binging. I let myself notice boys more and use my body as a way to get their attention. It is so true. I even went so far as to get my stage mic backstage in my sports bra. Others would not have thought anything of it, but for me, it was a big deal. My confidence is growing as I feel thin. I wasn’t thinking for myself. I was hoping a boy would notice and I was so happy inside when he did.

After getting the message from the book this morning, I really identified my true actions last night. I want to be thin for many reasons. I have become very good at finding reasons why I obsess about being/staying thin/getting to my goal weight. A huge one for me - getting a man in my life. When I am thin, I feel confident and men notice me. When I feel fat, I have an excuse. Going into a binge gives me an excuse on why I am alone and do not have a man. I grew up as an ugly duckling and in many ways, I still see myself as one. My quirky and crazy personality is my continuous excuse on why I am alone.

I love to be in control and the idea that I am single. It is okay if don’t have a man in my life as long as it goes with my own terms. … food puts me in control of my love life. If I am fat and ugly, that explains why I don’t have a man. If I am thin and don’t have a man, I don’t have control anymore.

Wow. I have no idea how to fix this mental problem. I don’t have a clue.

Man, I do not know how I got through the day. I totally wanted to jump into the food so many times. I must say - kind of ridiculous. I am past two weeks and usually I don’t get past it. It has not been easy. I really wanted to have the twix bar in the cabinet and the chocolate cake offered for free at dinner. I wanted to dig through a fridge at work for junk food. Somehow, I did not do these things. I really don’t have a clue on how I avoided the junk. I really was ready to jump in.
Instead of eating junk food and binging, I went for a walk with a friend and talked about my desire for the food. I then proceeded to spend time with other friends. I would have gotten more work done, but for myself at one point, but I really needed more of a distraction from food. I kept myself busy. I drank a lot of fluids and kept on the move. Now it is 11pm and I am heading to bed. Thank G-d! I am so grateful to have made it through the day without a binge!

That’s how it has been feeling for me. Every since I saw that I was at my goal weight, I wanted to jump into a binge. Instead of looking far ahead of me, I have been putting more focus on the now. I say to myself, “For now, I can go without the chocolate.” A couple minutes later, I may have the same conversation with myself. The next thing I do - find something to do or I talk about it with someone or I drink some fluids or I take a nap. Those have been my latest, spur of the moment solutions to stop myself from jumping into the food. I am happy with my weight and I don’t want to get back into misery. If anything, the misery only stops me from focusing on other things in my life. I want to enjoy the “now” in my life damn it!
So, right now, I can go without chocolate and I can write this blog instead.

Okay, so I am wanting to binge this evening. As a way to resist, I am letting myself focus on the great food I will get tomorrow. For now, I do not need the food. That is working for me.
Also, I am getting myself to bed a little sooner in order to assure that I don’t binge. I just weighed myself today and I am at 120.5 pounds. This is the weight I get to right before I have binged the last couple of times. I do not want to do it and getting over this hump is not easy.
My friend who is aware of my problem has been extra kind and checked up on me several times. What a great friend! I have never had someone look out for me before with my binging and it is such a huge compliment. I am very grateful.

There is a big part of me that wants to binge. I am grateful that it is the end of the day. It makes not going into the food so much easier.

I have been weighing and measuring my food for more than three years. If I do not weigh and measure my food, I always question the amounts I am eating. It is far from fun. If anything, I can get consumed by analyzing everything that I have just eaten. It sucks! There is no doubt that weighing gives me a definitive on the amounts I am eating. I know I am getting the right amount of nutrition and food without over/under-doing it. So, here I am and I ate a little more outside my weighed and measured food and it is driving me a little nuts. I don’t like it. I knew I should have just stuck to what I had planned. If I had done that, I would not be where I am at the moment - analyzing and questioning my choice to eat a little more. I don’t like this level of unrest. Can I think of anything else? Sure I can, but right now, my mind is wrapped around food. I need a life!

Looks as though I will be doing a triathlon with my brothers this summer. We have been talking about doing it for almost a year, but now we have finally set the date.
Now, I must say that I am not doing this to lose weight. I do not want to fool my mind and think that doing the triathlon gives me an opening to have yet another binge. In this case, that is not going to be a possibility. I will not let that happen because I have been able to not binge for a little more than a week now and I am very proud of myself. Last night, I totally felt like jumping into chocolate. Somehow, I didn’t. I was reaching for a hershey’s kiss and then I thought of the “and then what.” I quickly recalled how miserable I would be after the binge and stopped myself.
I avoided misery. I did not need to be miserable and I knew it. So, I stopped myself and had a great evening.
So, now I am planning to do the triathlon. If anything, I want to use it as an excuse to be even healthier with my food choices. I am going to give my body the love it deserves!

I am so selfish. I have been thinking about me me me and have forgotten about how important it is to help others who are going through the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, I am always reaching out for a hand, but I have to give back as well. Who wants to live in a world of self pity anyhow? Not me. So, I have decided to focus on others. I have decided to focus on giving my love out to others. I want to help others be happy in their lives. I will still care for myself in the process, by living that shared experience of making the other person feel truly happy. That’s what it is all about.
Lately, I have drowned myself in this world of self pity and forgotten about the benefits of giving. So, if you are feeling sorry for yourself on a regular basis just like I am, go help someone. I promise - you will feel so much better.

Check it out! 5 new posts below. I wrote these while away from the computer this past week. Write a comment if you have any thoughts. Have a great day!

I love being social and partying once in awhile. With my acid reflux, I now know I cannot go to an extreme, but a small drink every once in awhile is okay. Honestly, that is the least of my problem.
Calories. Sugar. Eating to sober up. Those are the things that are associated to drinking (in my opinion) that make it not fun. I may have a good time and enjoy the taste, but in the end, the next day, there is a part of me that feels guilty.
Overall, anyone knows that drinking is not good for the body. It is a poison. The line, “what’s your poison?” did not come out of thin air.
As an addict, I see food as a poison in general at times. Anything I put in my mouth can be over analyzed especially if I do not know what is in it.
Back to drinking - I want to find a good balance with it when I do decide to drink. I know I cannot drink on a regular basis. My body can’t take that kind of regularity and I would like to find a balance. In the end, if it meant to work with my health, it will work. … we’ll see …

Well, in the midst of my TV show watching, I got into “Gossip Girl.” This show is a fun, girly show that is easy to get into. Well, in the first season, on the third disk, one of the female characters, Blair, has major difficulties with her family. As a reaction to her problems, she gets into a major binge by herself in her mom’s kitchen. As she eats everything in front of her, flashbacks are shown of her difficulty with binging in the past. She then goes to the bathroom to throw it all up. The next thing - she calls her best friend who immediately comes to be by her side right away.

The more I have connected and become honest with myself about my eating disorder, the more I have noticed … this is a common thing for many people. There seem to be different levels of eating disorders, but many people have some kind of issue with food. Though I feel surrounded by people who can relate, many people can still be very sensitive to the topic. Hopefully, characters like Blair will help people come out of their shells and seek help.

Why does free food usually have to be the crappy stuff? I remember in college there were many times that I got to have free hot dogs. Sometimes there were hamburgers and if it was a gallery opening on campus, I would stuff myself with the free cheese and crackers. I was not a binger back then because I was not as concerned about my health.

If free food was offered, I wish it was healthy. At my current, fantastic job, we are provided meals on work days. For most of the days, I don’t have any of the food because it only opens me up to a world of unhealthy food that could very easily lead me to a binge.

There are so many ways to get free food. It’s great to save the money, but what are you doing to your body?

I have worked with people who were not major drinkers, but became them when on certain gigs. Years ago, I worked on a cruise ship as a performer. I was never much of a drinker because I didn’t like the after effects (hangover). For me personally, once in awhile was okay. For others, it seemed crazy drinking nights on almost a daily basis worked for them just fine. I was lucky to never witness any of the truly awful after effects of drinking.

But then I learn about what it does to the body and it freaks me out. I was working with young 20 year olds. In my opinion, our bodies were still young and resilient. I am sure that there were people who had problems with their bodies from all the drinking. There had to be. These researches do not come out of nowhere. Working on the ship - man, there was so much drinking going on. And in many cases, a lot of addictive behaviors in general. We were all stuck on a ship and I think it became a human instant to find some sort of regular escape. No one likes to feel trapped.

Regardless, over doing anything is not a good thing. So, be careful and keep praying for balance.

I was on a break at work and began to randomly speak about my eating disorder. I have learned to be very open about my problem. Though I speak very candidly about my issues, I am still very vulnerable. In the midst of my openness, a coworker opened up. This meant the world to me. I know it was a huge deal for this beautiful individual to open up. Because this person opened up - I don’t know how else to describe it - magic happened. Just knowing that we were not alone felt so good. We ended up making pacts to be there for each other. I do hope we stick to it. In my addiction, I will purposely avoid getting in touch with these fellows in order to dive into my binge. I would like to take advantage of her presence and I hope she does the same for me.
It is odd to open up in the work environment, but I feel it is important. I spend a lot of my life at work and the last thing I need is more isolation because I feel like I am the only person thinking about food in a conversation with a person (that has nothing to do with food). I want to focus on the “here and now” and enjoy the people around me.
I feel so blessed to have someone at work going through the same issues with food. G-d really is watching over me.