Eating Disorder Talk

Don’t kid yourself. The food and drinks at Starbucks are not good for you. I am guilty of spending a lot of money at this place myself. To help myself out and help inform others (and get out of denial), I thought it would be good to bring it up.

The calorie count at Starbucks is unbelievable! If you are trying to be good to your body and get the nutrition you need, stay away from the crap. Starbucks is crap. I do not care about any arguments you have against my statement. If you are thirsty, drink water. I know that is not the easiest thing to do, but the truth is the truth. Drink water. I am not only saying this to readers, i am saying this to myself. Water does a body good, so drink it!

Eating more than I planned is not a good enough reason to have a binge.
I have to realize that and I am realizing that in the moment. Today, I ended up eating more than I planned. Usually, this gives me an excuse to binge. To be proactive, I am putting it out there to not keep myself in the dark. I do not want to dive into the food. I am saying a big NO to a binge by talking about it. I have found this to be very helpful every time I am in the mood to dive into the food. I am not going to do that this time.
It is so easy to eat. It is so easy to eat a lot of food when all the stuff I want to eat (donuts, macaroni, cake) is the cheaper food. I am not going to do it. Eating doesn’t make me happy. Living in the moment and enjoying my life makes me happy.
Though I ate more than I planned this evening, I am not going to use it as an excuse to binge.

I want to send my love to anyone who is in the midst of their food addiction. Being trapped in the emotional an physical turmoil of food is far from fun.

I you are stuffing your face and reading this. Stop. Not forever. For now. Stop. If you feel compelled, take your food to the dumpster outside and let it drop in the trash. If you feel further compelled in this moment to throw out your food stashes, do the same. Toss it all. I am not saying you have to do it, but I am putting it out there. For today, throw out your food. I know, this is not the coolest suggestion, but it’s one thing I thought I would put out there that may help out a person who may in the midst of a binge while reading this. With that in mind, go for it! If you are a person who has thrown out your food, call a friend. Even better - see if you can spend the night at a friend’s house. I don’t care about what time it is - do it!
Don’t criticize me if this is lame to you cause it’s bound to help out at least one person and for me, that is huge.

That was the question my wise mother asked me yesterday. I have not spoken to her as often as I would like lately. In our conversation on Saturday, I was telling her about my food thoughts. Without realizing, I kept going and going about the subject. Finally, mom stopped me and said, what else are you doing on Sunday? It then dawned on me that I was focusing so much on the food in my life that I was missing out on what I was actually doing throughout the day - two shows and then karaoke at night.
I knew I had all these other great things going on, but all I could think about was the food. I am not doing that to myself anymore … easier said than done. Overall, it was so great to have someone wake me up.
Life is more than food. Food is meant to fuel my body in order to live my life to the fullest. I need to work on focusing and talking more about that.

I can go on forever and ever with analyzing what I eat. I worked at this homeopathic health spa not too long ago and fell victim of people watching everything I ate. It became obnoxious and uninvited very quickly. It also became a huge contribution to my binging. I cut out things that helped me have a cleaner diet. But then, with this “healthy” diet, I was ignoring any cravings. I didn’t want the healthy replacements and therefore deprived myself from having any goodies. It built up and then I eventually had a binge. Now that I am back to a more normal way of eating that is healthy but not perfect, my food stashes are gone. I get to eat the yummy stuff once a week and that works well for me right now.
There are always new diets and new ideas on how to stay healthy. It can be overwhelming. For now, I am sticking with what works for me and ignoring all outside opinions.

After I wrote my blog last night, I did some research and learned how dangerous laxatives can be for the body. I learned that if they are taken longer than a week, that is when the damage happens.
I immediately went up to my room and put my laxatives in storage. Good bye laxatives. I had them for a week and a day. Long enough. My body is still healthy and I plan to keep it that way. I feel like I ;just missed the bullet.
Another interesting thing I learned was the bloating that occurs from the regular laxatives. You would think it would be the opposite from all the releasing, however, with the gas build - up, I guess that is what can happen. Also, I was exhausted from it. Is that a common symptom?
I am not proud of my falling into a new addiction, but I am happy to be out of it. I think it is my fear of death that immediately stopped me from continuing a “romance” with ex-lax. Thank G-d for that fear!
I went onto youtube (as usual) and found some great footage from people dealing with laxative issues. They really helped me out, so I thought I would share what I found.

Laxatives. I had admitting this one. But I am ready to give it up and it helps when I come out of the closet. Laxatives.

Since last Tuesday, I have been taking ex-lax daily. I didn’t plan on it. I figured, “Oh, I will do it just this once. The “once” turned into three days in a row and so on. Even on a day I was planning to stop (yesterday), my acid reflux went crazy, so I took a laxative to get some of the acid out of my body. The reflux had to do with all the caffeine and wine I was drinking – it was my own damn fault. The laxative did help.

I now have 3 rounds of laxatives left. I plan to use them up and that is the end of it. That is what I am praying for. I don’t know if I will want to use a laxative tomorrow. Right now, I don’t want to and I don’t plan on it. The option is there. … I just have to see how I am feeling and go from there.

Close to when I first took over the blog, I spoke about laxatives. It never occurred to me that they were an option and that they could be yet another addiction. A reader questioned my lame blog. I did not know. A part of me felt ashamed by this person’s response. I felt like an idiot. But then I realized, I was criticized for my own thoughts. I can’t control my thoughts. Thoughts happen whether you want to have them or not. I say my thoughts out loud in a blog about my food problem.

Today, I am bothered by that comment. Now that I have the problem, I am disliking that comment from that reader. It was not considerate to me. Eating disorders are a very delicate thing. Do not question what a person is going through. If you have or have had an eating disorder, pretend you are talking to the most sensitive part of yourself … than speak.

I realize I have not been taking laxatives for long, but I do realize this is quickly becoming a problem and I want to stop it now.

My acid reflux acted up and it is all my fault. Last week, I had caffeine every single day. I know caffeine is truly poison for my body and wakes up all the acid in my body. I ignored the consequences and had caffeine anyhow because I loved the taste. I know, I know it was dumb of me.
Now, I am finding myself totally obsessing about what I ate today to take care of my body. When my acid reflux gets really bad like it just did, I have to eat a lot more bread and crackers. I don’t like eating that much grain in a single day and I automatically feel like a fat slob after I have digested all the crappy food. … I know it’s not a huge deal to others, but for me, I don’t like it. I do not like feeling fat. I was looking in the mirror and absolutely hating my body. It sucked major balls - seeing my ugly reflection in the mirror.
I think if I weighed myself, I would feel so much better … would I? It would be good to know the weight I am at - I have not weighed myself in awhile, so I think it will actually be a very good idea to learn about my current weight.

Man, I just get it out of my mind. I was feeling great about myself last week and now, with this change in eating, I am obsessing. I want it to stop! I want to love how I look!

I just sometimes can’t tell if I am hungry. Sometimes, I really think I am hungry, but then I can’t tell. Does anyone share the same confusion? I have no clue on this matter at the moment. I ate my food for the day, but I feel like I could keep eating. Is that hunger or am I in the mood to eat for eatings sake?

I really cannot tell. So, I have been distracting myself with the company of my friends and this blog. I am still working on finding the best balance with food in my life and I still do feel like I am on the right track. I am going to keep heading in this direction and eventually have both great physical and mental health around food. It is possible to be “normal” around food and I plan to be that way more and more everyday.
But for now, I am still figuring things out.

Sometimes you just need to let yourself cry. That was me last night. I found myself walking alone and I had a big cry.
I was swarmed in thoughts of feeling sorry for myself. I felt alone. In the moment, it was odd how alone I felt. I have made some great friends here and could have walked with someone if I asked. But no, there was a huge part of me (the self pity part), that needed to walk alone. I had a big cry. There I was, walking by myself and crying for myself. It’s kind of a sad scenario when you think about it.
I was doing exactly what I don’t like - feeling sorry for myself when there really was no reason. Even if there was not a good enough reason, I needed that time alone to cry. I felt the need in my entire body. By the time I got home, I felt better. The crying was some kind of necessary release.

I am sure that I have done this before, but I have never done it where I am as conscious about the situation as I was last night. I was aware of everything as I was walking and crying. After observing my actions lasts night, I am ready to criticize myself. … but no. I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to pat myself on my back to have given myself the time it needed to release. If I feel better now, how could that have been a bad thing?

Food is a big social thing in general. In this cast/show I am in, we are always celebrating birthdays. I swear, there is at least one per week. That means there is always cake. For the most part, I have resisted the cake. I know it would taste fabulous, but I also know how my mind can work so terribly after one bite.

I figure, “Well, I just cheated on my healthy day, so I might as well continue.” Yeah, it’s not a great way of thinking and one day I will be at piece with myself enough to be able to have a piece of cake and go on with my planned food for the rest of the day. I know this is possible. I feel myself getting to such a great place and I have hope and belief that I will get to such a great place of peace one day.
So, I am eating out with the cast today to be social and to treat myself. The theatre in which we work for provides meals and I have only taken up the offer once because they do not serve the healthiest food. I want to have some time at the theatre and fun with the cast and eat the freakin food.
I have asked myself an important question, “Do I depend on the food to have fun?” The answer is “no.” I can easily have a great time without the food. I have to ask myself this because the food totally can dance for me and destroy my opportunity to enjoy people around me. But simultaneously, the reason I am going to this brunch is to try this food and see what it is that everyone else has been eating weekly.
… so this event is about the food as well … is that bad? I didn’t think so until I started to write this blog and started to think about other people’s opinions.

I grew up as a ballerina and I have this awful ballerina body taste. I love figures with no butt, no hips, and hardly any boobs. That’s what I got used to seeing when I was a ballerina. While I was in High School, I read this book call “Dancing on my Grave.” It’s a biography about this famous ballerina. In the book, her eating disorders are revealed and it’s astonishing to learn that her body was able to function despite the torture she put it through.

Years have gone by, but I still think the most beautiful bodies are the ballet ones. Not on other people … but on me. I want to look like that. It’s funny cause I have seen women with curves and I think they can look really hot. It’s a personal preference for my own body. The problem? I was not built that way. I was built to have an ass. I would say butt, but ass feels more appropriate at the moment. I also was not born with a long torso. I do have the long, skinny legs …. from an outsider’s point of view, I have a thin body. I am starting to see how I don’t see myself as thin enough. I know, I know, that is not healthy, but I am bringing it up and finally calling myself on it.

I need to get this whole “ideal body” concept out of my head. I am only going in circle and not making myself feel any better.

Check them out below and don’t be afraid to comment if you have any thoughts.

I have been feeling so much better about myself lately. I have been working on celebrating my body and it has been going very well for me. I want to have this feeling about myself on a regular basis. I want to celebrate my body. I do want to keep this self-love going. My confidence has gone up and I have been feeling great about myself.
This process of self love was discovered in this great book by Geneen Roth titled “When Food is Love.” This book really helped me take a look at what I have experienced in my past and how I developed a way to replace it with food. Food has covered up/hidden my pain in my life. We all have our problems. For me, I have discovered how I use food as a means to distract myself from the food.
Okay, I am starting to get deeper than I had intended. In the end, I just wanted to share that I have been feeling so much better about my own reflection in the mirror. I am starting to like what my higher power has given me.

I am not a fan of making a habit of this, but sometimes I just need some caffeine before a show. Lately, I have been totally exhausted and I have been giving myself more time to sleep. In the mornings, there is just a huge part of me that does not want to get up - my body. So, listen … partly. I sleep a little bit longer, but not as long as by weighing down body wants me to sleep.
To wake up and get myself to a high energy these past two days, I have had some caffeine. Now, with my acid reflux, it is not a good idea for me to make a habit of in-taking this caffeine. I have to be wary. In the meantime, I have been loving the taste of the caffeine. Like any food addict - I have fallen in love with this food ritual. I really do love food rituals. It gives me a sense of comfort no matter where I am.
In this case, the food ritual is fine. It is temporary. I may have caffeine tomorrow, but after that, for health reasons, I am cutting myself off for at least a couple of days. I may not even have it tomorrow because I got a slight headache from the caffeine today even.
It amazes me to see how many people can live off a cup of coffee daily. My body really resists it. It’s not the end of the world and it is only a drink - I must keep reminding myself that…