Eating Disorder Talk

This concludes my story to present day. If you want to know how it got to this point, read parts one, two, three, and four.

Last week, I talked about my foray into antidepressants, a breakup, a new romance, journeying back into bulimic habits and the (then temporary) breakup of the new romance. This week, I’ll tell you what happened when I failed the pregnancy test.

Summer 2004 to 2005 was an odd year in that I didn’t cycle through recovery and back to my old habits. I just maintained them and with it a moderately (un)healthy weight, around 100 pounds. Then came October and reassessment of my psychological situation.

Finally being diagnosed as having cyclothymia, a milder form of bipolar disorder, helped quite a bit as we had a new method of attack towards my never-ending hypomanic and depressive episodes - mood stabilizers. I was put onto a heavy cocktail of lithium, an antipsychotic, antidepressant and sedative. It worked wonders, except for these weird side effects of dizziness and nausea. Then came the diagnosis for that: I was going to have a baby.

I didn’t touch upon it previously, but this would be my eighth or ninth time being pregnant - lack of regular periods coupled with crazy fertility tendencies and lack of estrogen to maintain them meant I’d gone through a miscarriage every time. I had actually been told that I could never maintain a pregnancy long enough to birth a live child. But this time would be different because I would cast all unhealthiness away and I would will it to happen. So it did.

I spent the first three months in a constant state of nausea. Morning sickness coupled with medication withdrawal to mean that I literally couldn’t keep down much more than the occasional mandarin orange and cup of 2% chocolate milk. While on anti-nausea medication. I was also put on bedrest, both due to my high risk of miscarriage and extremely low blood pressure, which complicated my arrhythmia.

Within a month, I lost six pounds and began to feel like a failure at motherhood - and it hadn’t even begun, really, yet! Once the morning sickness dissipated, I was referred to a nutritionist (which was a waste of time - the woman suggested high mercury fish, for crying out loud!), a psychotherapist who specialized in pregnancy and postpartum depression and a cardiologist. Working with me, we created a holistic, healthy approach to this pregnancy - it was no longer my body, it was being rented, and I was to treat it like so. So I did.

I threw caution to the wind and chucked my vegetarian habits. I ate according to cravings, when hungry and to the point of satisfaction. I visited McDonalds daily and went through containers of yogurt and boxes of cereal a week. I drank whole milk. In total, at delivery, I was up 32 pounds from my prepregnancy weight of 105. In total, over the exactly 280 days of pregnancy, I put on 37 pounds - not the near 50 that was recommended, but far healthier than I thought I could be.

I remained active only in my daily walks around the neighbourhood, once I stopped working. This was by no stretch overexercising, though it was quite a bit more than the recommended half hour a day. Probably closer to two hours, daily, but to be honest, I was bored, at home.

I gave birth to a six pound, 6.6 ounced baby girl on her due date. After a month plus of false labour and a week of very early, nonprogressive labour. It was about 26 hours of active labour, in all. I tackled breastfeeding this tiny baby, who was soon undersized (she loses weight as fast as her mother does) and by the time that they let us go home after she’d gained enough weight to not be too concerning, I had already lost 13 pounds.

Within the following three months, due to colic stress, breastfeeding and three walks a day with a snugglie, I dropped to a fairly healthy 110 pounds. I have a small frame without much natural muscle density, so though I looked thin, I didn’t look unhealthy.

By this past spring, I was considering dropping a few pounds that I felt were affordable. Life took a turn for the worst when my relationship crumbled from constant bickering to harsh, cruel fighting on a daily basis. Recently, we decided that we couldn’t make our relationship work as it was, and have been living separately.

Once he moved out, the hangover I was suffering, the nausea…well, it didn’t go away. I honestly went on an unintentional three day fast. The thought of eating, the concept, was repulsive both physically and mentally.

The past few days, I’ve been trying. Even if it meant adding to my caloric intake with high-calorie beverages, I’ve been trying. I know it’s too important for my daughter to see her mom as a healthy, happy individual, not someone who’s mentally sick and incapable of eating with her.

I’ve dropped some odd fifteen pounds since that initial thought over losing a few extra. It’s going to be an uphill climb, but I am at least mentally at the point where I don’t want to progress any further downwards. Maintenance will be my goal for the short term, because it’s the best that I can do.

I hope that my story has helped you in some way. If you’d like to tell me more please leave me a comment or email me, using the contact link on the right. Thank you for reading all about me.

Since coming to ED Talk, I’ve reviewed the top ranked websites in the areas of bulimia, binge eating disorder and anorexia. This week I’ve looked around Alexa’s subjects and listed the top five eating sites - most of them are in direct relation to eating disorders; one doesn’t focus only on them, but also on dieting, mental illness - the grandiose subject of unhealthiness.

I’ve chosen to not actually review these sites for a number of reasons, the first of which being my lack of bias, in light of my recent downturn. Other reasons? I’m aware of what a positive impact a few of these sites have had on people I’ve cared about; I don’t want to potentially have a hand turning someone else away from that positivity.

1. Something Fishy
2. Eating Disorders Resources
3. Dying to be Thin
4. Suite 101: Eating Disorders
5. After the Diet

I hope that these resources are a positive step for you, if you’re looking to plant your foot somewhere. On the opposite spectrum, my next top five list will be the most popular pro sites.

Don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll!

Last week, I asked you if you thought the media glamourized eating disorders, or not. The results? Two thirds of you thought that the media indeed is feeding the machine, so to speak and not treating them as a serious psychological condition. The remaining third voted that the media is really educating the public and that as much exposure as possible was necessary.

How would I vote? I think both are true. This may be one of the few things in life that I have had a moderate view of.

This week, please give your anonymous opinion about why you read websites about eating disorders.

So, news abound of Courtney Love’s weight loss being eating disorder related. Back in April, it was rumoured that the 44 pound loss that Love was flaunting was due to a gastric bypass band.

Lately, the estimated 52 pounds lost in seven months is apparently owing to an eating disorder.

Love has said that her new physique is resultant of a macrobiotic diet of fish and vegetables, a routine of yoga and use of meal-replacement-type shakes.

But this past weekend she shook fans during a 90 minute performance when half-way through she stripped to a bustier and panties - she was skeletal, apparently. Also during the show, the shock-princess sipped from an Ensure can, commenting that she had to take care of her eating disorder. She later said that she doesn’t have one.

In my opinion, the actress/rocker is just poking at all of the critics who blame most celebrities’ weight losses on eating disorders. Can we not just congratulate her for making changes in her life, trying to make a (nother) fresh start after months of legal and chemically-based issues?

On a related topic, don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll, Do You Think the Media Glamourizes Eating Disorders?

eating disorders, celebrities with eating disorders, courtney love, yoga, macrobiotic diet, meal replacement diet

This is quickly shaping up to be an epic tale, though I suppose I should have assumed so after 20 years. You can find the previous installment here.

Last time I delved into my teens. The roller-coaster that was restricting, overexercising, drugs, modeling, laxatives, purging and cinnamon bagels. Today, we hit my twenties, or there abouts.

At nineteen, I finally started listening to doctors and acknowledged that something was wrong with me - psychologically. I was put on a low dose of the popular antidepressant Paxil for nearly a year. It took awhile, but then, birds were singing, the sky was a marvelous shade of blue, I was capable and willing to work full-time, volunteer and take a full course-load of college credits. Life was working out so well.

Not surprisingly, I let myself go. Or I should say, anorexia let me go. And I was comfortable with myself and the choices I made. I could look into the mirror and see a happy person, not body parts out of proportion to each other. It made life wonderful and so much more relaxed. Yes, I was still a closet drinker (shh!) but all other issues seemed so…insignificant.

Then my fiance fell out of love with me and it occurred that, if I was going to be depressed over the end of a four-year committed relationship, I might as well save some money and go off of the antidepressants. I weighed about 130 pounds, then, late in September. By mid-November, I was nearing 95 pounds again. I had been through a few traumatic incidents and I was still not taking my antidepressants. I was also smoking and drinking coffee, two things I’d avoided during the relationship and two things that both suppress appetites and have an effect on metabolism.

I met the man who would be my daughter’s father a year later. I’d regained some weight via living with my father - he had always had an extreme control issue with my eating disorder and would make me food and then make me feel guilty if I didn’t eat it. I always knew that I could lose the weight, so gaining up to 120 pounds didn’t concern me much until I had someone to look good for. Rather, until I had someone that I thought might think I didn’t look good at a healthy weight.

I dropped 20 pounds within a month and a half - I quickly retook to restricting and once exposed to family meals, regained my ability to silently purge in the bathroom immediately after eating. Another month passed and another 10 or so pounds was missing. I plummeted to 78 pounds and an ultimatum was issued.

And so the next four years went. I’ve always cycled seasonally, both with my eating disorder and depression. Every spring, I’d reassess my form and mind and go back on medications and to restricting. By the end of each summer, I’d hit a low, normally around 90 or so pounds and throughout the winter I’d regain and then lose, regain and then lose. The the next spring would come and I’d go back on the eating wagon, having not been overweight or even really a healthy weight at all.

When that relationship ended, though it was temporary, my psyche took a nose-dive. I’d already been on medical leave for stress-related anxiety that was induced from being a workaholic in an unhealthy environment. I had been working some 70 hours a week on little to no food, for a company run by a man best described as an abusive bully. I spent a few months back in the cycle of coffee, restricting, drugs and surprise! male attention.

When I reunited with the ex, I was tipping one hundred pounds, drinking daily, smoking like a chimney and only eating when under the influence of munchies-inducing drugs. So I was actually eating quite often. I think the reunion activities burned off most of the calories consumed because I maintained 105 pounds until I got pregnant that fall.

Next time, I’ll elaborate on how pregnancy meant it wasn’t my body anymore and I easily gave up the control of my eating disorder…and how it’s returned in full force.

Eating disorders are being blamed in part on the media and the perception of perfect that it’s giving us. Seldom talked about is the fact that not of the all celebrities that we look to for an ideal are actually ideal, themselves.

Enter Photoshop.

Gusgreeper passed on an item to me today, which lead to rapid-fire googling and the following:

• Pandagon linked to Jezebel about the Redbook Faith Hill cover work.
• Hemmy shows Christian, Penelope, Naomi, Brittney, Julia, Eva and more.
• Hollyscoop offers Kate and Jonathan to your naked eye.
• Kris Abel offers links to the following resources in the industries of photo enhancement and surgery:
  • Girlpower’s random magazine cover demo
  • Shanzcan’s gallery of retouches
  • Digital Pablo’s portfolio
  • Glenn Feron’s portfolio
  • Chris Tarantino’s work
  • Christiane Beaulieu’s gallery

I hope that you enjoy feeling ideal, or at least a little closer to it, after viewing some of those galleries.

The typical recovery program involves food and weight monitoring; one-on-one, group and sometimes family therapy; vital tracking; and journaling, in some form, whether it’s via art, music or writing.

A newer form of treatment is getting rave recommendations, as well as the typical critics - family centred therapy, or the Maudsley Approach. In fact, it’s gaining medical support as well: at it’s 2004 launch, the Maudlsey Parents website listed four therapists, now it’s over 60 (source: Wall Street Journal).

The program involves three phases typically consuming about a year, during which the patient is normally not in private care at a facility, but rather, with their family. These phases include:

• Weight restoration
  • Harmful side effects of the disorder are explained
  • Family’s typical eating habits and interactions are assessed
  • Therapist helps the family to re-feed the patient
  • Therapist models and provides feedback on a uncritical stance towards the eating disorder
• Returning control over eating to the patient
  • Family is schooled and encouraged to help the patient take control of eating habits, themselves.
  • Issues relating to eating are discussed as the program moves further forward
  • Small steps are taken to ensure that weight correction is moving in a positive direction, however normal social habits are encouraged
• Establishing a healthy identity
  • When weight is nearly normalized, identity and the eating disorder’s effect on establishment of it, is a main focus
  • Correction of misinterpretations of identity take place
  • Family is encouraged to prepare for the days ahead when they are no longer needed as a part of treatment - or even if treatment is not longer needed at all.

This seems like a great idea, however I do question how many families would be able to be, consistently, a constant role of support and teaching. It’s exhausting being close to someone with an eating disorder. Especially in the case of parents and children, there is often the dichotomy of parental self blame versus criticism of the child’s behaviour and lack of ability to “get over it.”

I suppose the main intention though is to provide a support system for both the curative and post-treatment eras - that’s in no way negative in my books.

family therapy, eating disorders, Maudsley Approach

Substance and alcohol abuse are rampant amongst anorexics. So my question is,

If we care about the calories in skim milk, coffee, juice, diet soda, etc. why do we think nothing of occasionally (or more often) drinking ourselves into submission?

I don’t think I have given much more than a second thought to the amount of calories in a night’s worth of drinking, or what those calories would do to me. Yet, if my coffee isn’t non-fat, sugar-free syrup with splenda or some other type of sugar substitute, it will plague me to the point of not being able to drink all of it.

Last night, I drank 2 and a half double caesars and 2 shots. Admittedly, I hadn’t had much to eat during the day - somewhere around 500 calories from a quarter slice of banana bread and a white mocha or two; my alcohol weighs in at just under 600 calories, without a second thought.

Do you find the same - that you’re concerned about everything except for the concerning one?

So you’ve got the big three sisters: anorexia, bulimia and binge eating. Then also exists the cousin of the big three, EDNOS.

Inherent in the first two at least is a perfectionism trait - most anorexics and bulimics can be extremely good at what they do, both on and off the ED court. In fact all three major disorders are accompanied by a sense of failure. It’s especially well documented conjunction with BED - guilt during a binge period is one of the main symptoms; the binge cycle of bulimia is also full of guilt for many sufferers - for over eating to the point of feeling the need to purge. Anorexics, well, sometimes there’s guilt for the pain that the disorder has brought to friends and family - this is especially prevalent during relapse and recovery.

So, why is it that this cousin, this EDNOS, is by definition akin to failing at being truly a person with an eating disorder?

Doesn’t that set up the people diagnosed with it to further spiral downwards? I mean, I would be diagnosed as EDNOS at the moment, based on my lack of DSM-IV requirements for an anorexic diagnosis - and there’s this voice inside of me that says (very quietly, mind you)

You can’t even be anorexic properly. You get an F in eating disorders. Now pull up your socks and really put 110% into it.

Is this a good thing? How do you think that this voice could be eliminated, outside of treatment? Is a renaming of EDNOS required?

EDNOS, Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia, Bulimia, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Parts one and two can be found here and here. I left you with one foot in the door of a modeling agency*. The other foot was already in my mouth - ultimately blocking any nourishment that I could hope for during the my twelfth to fourteenth years.

It began innocently enough. I had some friends who were checking out this new agency in our suburb. One was going to act, the other model. They didn’t get any work - one was slightly…stocky, the other very thin but in need of (and would eventually get) a nose job. I checked things out. I was photographed, measured and given a copy of an interim comp card - the one that would be forwarded to my eventual agent.

She was both a warm-hearted and ball-busting woman. I respected her immediately - for the command of all people’s attention and her ability to say exactly what needed to be said. This included that I needed to lose five to ten pounds and maybe get a little more hollow looking. A good way to do this, she helped me learn, was heroin and coke - speedballs. In two years of part-time print modeling, I rarely saw a paycheque - they were signed directly over to her, in order to recover the money she’d spent on my “habit.”

When I was fourteen, I started being a little skatergirl, hanging out with the boys and trying to show off on my board. I’d show up for work, high and hungering for more and bruised and beaten from the pavement. I was told that I needed to shape up - my body was my temple and I was abusing it. By skateboarding and falling down. The drugs - those nourished.

Ultimatums were given - I could quit working or skating. I decided work, after yet another photographer had commented that losing another five pounds would take the chubbiness from my cheeks. I won’t go into the gritty details of getting clean or other experiences with photographers and industry people, let’s just say that my opinion is an earned one.

I spent the next year eating 100 calories a day, if possible. I resigned myself to daily baths to stay warm, hot chocolate made with skim milk and a 1/4 teaspoon of Quik syrup, and most of a cinnamon raisin bagel. For the day. If I went over my 100 calories, I would exercise to the point of exhaustion, take laxatives, purge and have an anxiety attack - all within the same hour.

I had relapsed and dropped back to 82 lbs. from 95 within the next year. I looked…tired. I felt dizzy. I smelled horrible because of the ketones and sugar I was excreting. Not to mention my breath.

I met my first love then, and even though nothing was fundamentally wrong, I swung further downward while simultaneously going back to drugs and drinking. By the time that my father kicked me out of the house and I moved into my mother’s, I was nearing 75 lbs. though if asked, I would quote my (apparently safe-sounding) 82. My household rules: no chemicals in the house and I had to eat.

So I did. I gained nearly 55 lbs. within a two-month period. I learned what fresh stretch marks look like. I binged constantly without purging. I would eat a dozen doughnuts in 36 hours and a block of cheese the size of a baseball over a few. That was snacks. I was left feeling…less than ideal and by the time that I moved out to my own place, a year later and 16 years old, I was relapsing back to anorexia. It helped that I worked at McDonalds and lived on a very small food budget.

Next time, I’ll cover what happens when I go on anti-depressants, recover and then break up with my first love.

* In part two, I didn’t mention how I came to have a heart condition that requires periodic monitoring and ultimately would make the first few months of my pregnancy…lonely: While in treatment, because of my frequent intervals of gaining and then losing until I was less than I’d come into the program weighing, I had three very minor heart attacks. I progressively lost more weight every time that I gained any, at one point putting me at 69 lbs.

So the British Fashion Council (BFC) was set up to orchestrate the Fall London Fashion Week. In March, the BFC set up the Model Health Inquiry (MHI) due to concerns about working and lifestyle problems within the fashion industry. More specifically, the health and working conditions of models within the London Fashion Week extravaganza. The MHI announced the scope, submission and reporting process of their study in May. Early July brought an interim report.

Early findings led to a opinionated statement by the panel’s chairhead, Baroness Kingsmill: it’s inappropriate for models under 16 to be portrayed as women and ultimately, it’s a possibility that the Council will rule against allowing models under 16 to appear in the six-day designer showcase. She even went so far as to say

“We have been given startling medical evidence about the prevalence and impact of eating disorders in certain high-risk industries.
“There was also strongly expressed concern that it is profoundly inappropriate that girls under 16 under the age of consent should be portrayed as adult women.
“The risk of sexualizing these children was high and designers could risk charges of sexual exploitation.” read the BBC article…

So basically, she’s saying that models are hired to promote a sexy, thin, womanly image (let’s not even get into what a paradox that is) and are being treated as though they are walking sexpots? So, what, sometimes drugged, drunk, undernourished girls in sometimes very little clothing are actually still children? Maybe we should stop giving them adult jobs then. Is fashion is the madame of image? Are we all helping promote pimping and starvation?

In a word, yes. Want to debate that? Leave your comment.

london fashion week, model health authority, models, modeling, teen models, sexy, pimps, british fashion council

I just came across this post via a forum referral to the author’s new blog. Looking back through the archives, this woman has made huge strides to recover from an overeating disorder with the main hope of becoming “normal” and “living a normal life, with normal habits.” She’s had huge personal success. And she’s still going, strong. Check out her mission and goals page, too.

The linked post above lists nine rules (aka “markers on the path to normal or intuitive eating.” She plans to expand upon each marker in the future, but her writing is succinct and well-orchestrated, leaving little question of her intention or meaning.

My favourite thing: each post ends with a few (3-5) positives. Here’s a bit from another of her posts:

Yesterday’s objective was to keep choosing to be satisfied, since I was essentially overwhelmed trying to do normal stuff and take care of my daughter as well. Poor thing has mononucleosis, so she’s really suffering right now.

In general, I fulfilled this objective quite well. “I’m satisfied with my satisfaction objective.” LOL

Please consider reading this page, especially if you are looking towards moving out of the eating disorder’s lifestyle, into your own.

Continuing onwards, week three’s top five is all about bulimia; weeks one and two can be found here and here.

1. Ask the Dietitian - First off, I was distracted from reviewing the site due to the damn top-right corner link to the site’s Healthy Body Calculator. It was pretty damn informative. Once I corrected the typo in the height category, that is. Back to the site. As the name indicates, it’s more of a Q and A area where people (I’m assuming visitors to the home site) are asking how to help friends and themselves, clarifying the differences between EDs and even asking for advice regarding firing a potentially bulimic employee whose work performance was horrendous (in part due to the bulimic cycle). Not bad, but I don’t know that it’s been updated in a while. Just check out the calculator and read the rest if you’re looking for camaraderie.

2. Mental Health -Provides links on the American and European descriptions, child and adolescent EDs from the US Surgeon General, diagnosis, treatment, research and other articles. No information provided on the actual page itself. Useful if you’ve got time to kill, opening page, after page. What I find moderately disturbing is the link in the sidebar, “diagnose yourself” - that phrase is a double-edged sword. The link itself is for signup to a 6 or 12-month computerized “decisionbase,” that reportedly tracks personality and psychiatric disorders. Can you say yay, for promoting hypochondria?

3. Healthy Place - The title of this site is Beat Bulimia, giving a positive first impression. Provides links in the sidebar and header to a community forum - also good. Sidebar also contains links about intervention, the author, articles and a newsletter. The main page is a letter touching on the lack of glamour of bulimia vs anorexia - speaking my language; good. This sums it up:

On the Beat Bulimia site, we’ll be talking about the causes of bulimia, what you need to do to recover from bulimia, and how your family and friends can help. Our goal here is to bring bulimics out of hiding and form a virtual community where we can help each other.

4. Payson Road - Well, we have a fuchsia header. And a black background. That’s it. If you Google it, you come up with a link to the Homepage which has a bunch more stuff in equally annoying colours. Which I have not the patience to look at or review because they lost me at the black screen. Hello? Could you not simply put a redirect link?

5. Selfhelp Magazine - This is only linking to an article written by a counsellor. The article thinks aloud about this therapist views initial contact and treatment with a patient showing signs of bulimia. She includes some rather insulting and stereotypical presentment types and explains how she doesn’t exert control over the patient’s binge-purging, choosing to spend time expanding and deepening the patient-therapist relationship. A little too Hallmark for me, but hey, I’m one of those permanent-bubble types of people.

Next week, we’ll be delving into the top ten ranked sites of all things ED-related.

In past years, Body Mass Index (BMI) has gained and lost favour multiple times. Since my last post mentioned BMI’s role in Madrid’s last Fashion Week, I thought I’d do a little calculating and see how the top models “measure up.” You can figure out your own BMI here. Using it, I found out that mine’s 17 - no catwalk strutting for me!

According to Forbes, the following supermodels were the top income earners in 2005.

1. Gisele Bundchen: (5′10″, 127 lbs., 34-24-34) BMI of 18.2.
2. Heidi Klum*: (5′9″, 119 lbs., 35-24-31) BMI of 17.6.
3. Tyra Banks**:(5′10″, 131 lbs., 36-34-36) BMI of 18.8.
4. Kate Moss: (5′7″, 105 lbs., 33-23-35) BMI of 16.4.
5. Adriana Lima: (5′10″, 112 lbs., 34-23-33) BMI of 16.1.

As you can see by plugging in the height and weight of nearly everyone you know (you know you’re curious), model sizes just aren’t realistic. I mean, look at me - I’m nearing Kate Moss’ stats, but my body looks nothing like hers. And it took 20 years of self-deprecating and destruction to do it - get as close, numerically, as I have. She probably couldn’t even maintain it, naturally, either.

* I’m assuming this was before getting pregnant and getting into television nearly full-time.

** It was truly hard to find mention of Tyra’s pre-retirement weight, so I resorted to this.