My Recovery Diary
I’m going to go full-on, here at Eating Disorder Talk. Effective immediately, I’ll be writing a daily post on the progress of my non-diet, what I have been calling my attempt at recovery. I wrote about the beginning of this anti-diet here.
To estimate, this is probably my 12th attempt or so. To be honest, most attempts in the past were based on covering it up, not healing, and they were inspired by how my disordered eating affected others – mostly family and very close friends.
What’s the difference?
This time, it’s really about me. I mean, in the past, I have been tired of the constant uphill climb that anorexia provides. You’re always working to avoid it seems: life, people’s comments, emotions, mirrors. The list could continue until I am long in the ground, I think, that’s just how deep a true eating disorder goes.
This time, I’m tired of being tired and not doing anything about it. This time, I’d like to feel okay. Not merely appearing and acting okay. Not okay because I’ve reigned in the control that I felt was missing elsewhere via fasting and manic behaviour. This time, I’d like to look in the mirror and not try to talk myself into thinking that other people are bigger and so it’s okay that I’m bigger than I would like to be. This time, I’d like to get to a point where I want to be bigger. This time, I’d like it to be the last time.
I’ve got tons of motivation in outside people. Friends, who I consider family; my daughter, who is watching me for 12 hours a day, everyday, and has this amazing love for me regardless of whether I am carrying 15 pounds of pregnancy weight or my pants are falling off; readers who write to me about their hopes for my health and happiness. Honestly, I’ve got everyone to be healthy for.
Now I’ve just got to want it for myself…
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