Eating Disorder Talk

So, I started over a week ago. I made the decision that I would eat a couple of meals a day and I would cut back on my coffee consumption. I took a picture of the soon-to-be old me, weighed myself and took my measurements. My beginning stats were 100 lbs at 5′6+”, with measurements of 33-23-35. My BMI was 15.9, not that it means much, other than I won’t be working a few different catwalks.

Now, it’s actually been ten days and though I started with trepidation and mixed emotions, I’m already on the negative side of the fence. It’s comparable to attempting to quit smoking, because I may want to quit, but after a little while of feeling pretty awful, I’m thinking, “Why did I want to do this again?” My current stats? I didn’t get any taller, I’ve gained 2.5 pounds and 3/4 of an inch on my waist.

I’ve managed to cut my coffee consumption down to three or four cups a day and I’ve been grazing during the days and eating meals at night time. An honest caloric intake estimation falls somewhere around 1,800. I’m used to under 1,000, if not closer to 500, so this is drastically different to me. And how am I feeling?

Like this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As if, this time next week, I’ll be 110 pounds and the week after 120 and then after that, who knows? The world could explode. I feel like my face is getting fatter, the sculpted cheekbones I’ve worked so hard for, disappearing. My stomach is bloating and I’m losing the outline of six-packs I had two weeks ago. My butt, gravitationally-affected and my thighs will soon touch. My thighs didn’t even touch when I was pregnant and I gained 36 pounds!

Yesterday, my sixteen month old, who has officially learned to give kisses, was focused on my tummy. She was poking her finger way down deep, into my belly button and giggling at how her finger would disappear, then she would kiss the puffy part of my lower stomach and smile. And I know, she’s just enjoying a softer, more comfie mommy, but god! it made me so uncomfortable that I cut her off after the 10th time and yanked my shirt down in shame.

And that is the really sad part. That logically I know, there’s no way less than three pounds has changed me much. But still, I am embarrassed for my toddler to show how much she loves me, 2.5 pounds heavier.