Eating Disorder Talk

I haven’t been posting as much as I usually would. There’s several reasons: putting my business’ projects ahead of blogging, running out of time (and motivation) and also, the big one. The big one is that I’m concerned that my descent to uber-waif will skew my posts to the extreme of purely pro-ana propaganda.

I’ve written in the past of my lack of detest for pro-ana sites and forums - I mean, I do believe that they provide a support network for those that feel they’ve no one else to turn to. But that doesn’t mean that I want to turn this here Switzerland-aspiring blog into a pro-ana one - akin to changing from pro-choice to extremely pro-life. I guess that’s backwards, and not the same thing at all, but you get my drift.

You know, I’ve never lied about my weight, habits, history or status on these posts. Consider yourself special because to a constantly struggling anorexic, it’s hard not to lie and it’s even harder to know when you’re lying. We’re practiced at self-deception and every relapse is just losing a couple pounds and every recovery is because we want to be healthy and are tired of it all. The truth: it’s never just a few pounds for an anorexic, like it’s never just a beer or two to an alcoholic; it’s never because we crave health and fitness, it’s because we’ve been pushed so far into the thought of unhealth, that we crave it’s opposite.

During my last post about how I’m struggling, I said I was maintaining nearly 100 pounds. And I still am. I’ve neither lost, nor intended (I think) to lose weight - yet recent photos published to my personal blog and my photosharing site have caused Internet reaction. And then my best friend hugged me the other day and protested that I’m too bony. And then my neighbour had something to say, and even someone who knows personally of the life, being a person of ana’s disposition, she said that I am worrying her.

I don’t understand it - why I’m suddenly thinner or being seen as so - because on a social level, I’m patting myself on the back. Because to everyone of those people, it would be so easy to say, “Do you have any idea how much skinner I would be if I tried?” I can drop five pounds of weight faster than Britney Spears can relapse from sobriety. I am trying to not be skinner.

The screwed up thing: when people show concern, after all these years of people being concerned, it seems like a challenge, like they need something to really be concerned about. Good thing is, I really don’t want to give them that.