Eating Disorder Talk

Everyone knows that liquor is nothing but empty calories … but it is also a great social thing. I had a date last night and we ended up going to a bar at one point. It was a fun conversation, however, I was not so happy that I was drinking. All those empty calories got my mind to desire to jump straight into a binge. No fun. I was not going to do it, so I didn’t. … but it did cross my mind multiple times as I drank the sweet beverage. I felt as thought I was already screwing up, so why not go all the way? Luckily for me, I did not do this to myself. I am grateful because it would have only put me in a deep hole mentally. I woke up this morning mentally healthy because I resisted any kind of binge. My body is my temple. That sounds lame when i say it, but if I remember that, I know and remember how important it is to take care of myself.

Why is it that when dating it has to be all about food? I am always trying to come up with different, inventive things to do other than eating. Should we go for a walk/a bookstore/? It is common for people to gain weight when they start seeing someone and I will not go there. I look good and want to stay looking this way. Hold on. I can’t believe I just said that about myself. I am so cruel and picky about how I look and now I can say something like “I look good and want to stay looking this way.” Bullshit! I am not happy with how I look and want to lose weight - thus emphasizing even more on how I don’t want to go out to eat all the time while dating. There is more to life rather than food. I want to experience that. I hardly ever go out to eat on my own time and I don’t want to change my healthy habits.

I am craving something sweet almost all the time. It is kind of annoying how much it can call to me at times. I have a huge sweet tooth. I love sugary or chocolate things. Yum! In the past, when I was binging, sugar was usually the main product in what I ate. Ice cream and chocolate were easy products to go overboard on especially because I could get them so cheap. Luckily, when I live in New York, I can get cheap, fresh fruit very easily. Now, I am not going to act like it is the same thing as all those great, processed sugary treats. … but it is ten times better for my body. I feel that when I went without chocolate for 3 years, I truly detoxed from the product. I didn’t crave it because I forgot how it tasted. Now that I have had it recently (two days ago), it is fresh in my taste-buds and ten times harder to resist. Oy vey.

Yep, I do not want to eat. I don’t. Food only causes me emotional drama and I am totally sick of it. Seriously, it costs money and gets me fat. I am truly relating with anorexic people right now. I know this not healthy, but that is how I feel at the moment. I am pissed off and frustrated about my body. I am annoyed at how much I spent on food only last month. I spent enough on food that should at least last me two freakin months! … or more!! Food really does feel like the enemy right now. What does not cause cancer?
There are five million useless and obnoxious ways to lose weight. There are five million proper ways to eat healthy. There is always a new food fad and I’m sick of it. I just want to have something down that truly satisfies me. Can this be possible?
Man, I really do not want to eat today…

This girl lists food she hates. Right now, I just hate anything.

I was doing so well and then I had to go and mess it up by eating three brownies and some chips and salsa. G-d forbid I have only one freakin brownie. See, I had a great workout and then I went and gained it all back with food. It didn’t go any further than what I ate (thank G-d). I’m actually surprised that I didn’t go into a full-on binge. That is shocking to me because the brownies were not the only amazing things available to me at the dinner table. Right now, it is totally late at night and I need to head to bed rather soon. I have a big day tomorrow. Eating was not in my schedule and I literally cannot lie down until 2 hours after I eat because of my acid reflux. Annoying, right? There is a huge part of me that just wants to put a finger down my throat and throw it all up right now. I won’t, but the desire is strong.

Resisting food at the barbeque was not as hard as I thought it would be. I brought my own salad and drank some of the diet, decaf sodas available. Because it was not a good idea to put any focus on the food, I had to pay more attention to the people. I had some interesting conversations with people, but my favorite part of the day was on the water. At the BBQ, we were right on the river. I got to ride in a paddle boat. Sitting on that water was extra calming and centering. I felt like I was at home sitting in this tiny boat in the middle of the water. It calmed me. The food portion of the evening didn’t last as long as the actual party. I have been to gatherings where it really was all about the food. Luckily, at this one, there were plenty of other things to do. I had a great time!

There comes a huge sense of relief when I am eating natural foods like fruits and vegetables. I don’t question what I am putting into my body because it is all natural. If I had the money, I would purchase only organic foods to ensure that I am taking proper care of my body. At the moment, this is not a possibility. I do not have the money. Period. In the meantime, I do the best I can and try my best to not beating up myself for not being “perfect.” So, while there is relief in eating healthfully, there is also a lot of pressure I put on myself. I want to be the best at everything! I want to save the world in a single day! I want to be on top! Yeah, I know that is unrealistic and the best way to completely lose sight of enjoying the journey. If I am picking at every choice I make in my healthy eating habits, I am going to drive myself insane.

This is a big step for me. I have been allowing myself to eat junk food once per week and my weight is maintaining because of it. I want to lose 6 pounds. For me to do it, I have to let go of my junk food day. So, I am going to make a big change - no junk food days for an entire month. Period. I just had a junk food day today and I am over it. It is not going to be an easy journey, so I am going to have to reach out, learn, and communicate all the time in order to stop myself from going back into my old binging habits that only made me feel extra crappy about myself. Tomorrow is day one. I can do this and have to believe that I can do this. Anything is possible. I will consider this to be a great opportunity for growth. If you have anything positive or helpful to say to help me get through this in good, mental health, by all means, please feel free to email me and say it.

This video was really helpful for me:

I have been using sugar drinks like mochas as a way to keep me away from all the crappy food I have been craving. Does this keep my weight down? I don’t think so. There are still tons of calories in that food alone. Help! I don’t know how to freakin lose the weight. Every week, if not everyday, I feel like crying for help. My weight goes down slowly, but it is basically sitting at the same weight. I don’t like it. I need to make some changes for myself to make the last 6 pounds go away for me. That’s what I want to happen. I want to lose those 6 pounds. I may have to hire a professional. Once I lose those 6 pounds, I will be content because I know what I have to do in order to maintain my weight - what I am doing now. Losing this last few pounds is the hardest thing to do. I remember when I first started to lose weight. The pounds came off quickly at first. But as everything comes to the tail end, it all slows down. Annoying! A big part of me wants to rush it and jump into an eating disorder. That would be the perfect, quick solution.

Back to my point - sugar drinks. I do enjoy them, but the times I indulge, I get this feeling of guilt. It’s almost as thought I gave into the Skor bar, but a little less guilt. I am seriously not happy about the slowness of my weight situation. I feel like I have been patient but enough is enough.

I don’t know if this really works, but I am starting to get curious about it. I eat so healthfully that it’s odd to me that my weight is not going down any faster than I think it should. My weight seems to want to sit at this one place. I don’t have a clue on what to do unless I do something unhealthy, so I am starting to think a lot of it may all be in my head. Could this be a true setback with my goals? Or am I just coming up with nonsense?
How could using the mind be so powerful? I really don’t get it. Is it some kind of magic trick? It would be good to believe that I can accomplish and reach my goal weight. Is it that easy? For me, it feel like the weight I desire is miles upon miles away. I want the weight off my body. Period.
Can this just happen?

I overheard a beautiful girl talking about how she was unhappy with her body today. It was sad to hear it coming from this truly beautiful girl. We all have the perfect body disease. I know one girl who is truly happy with her body and she is rail thin. It’s hard to not have a complex no matter what size you are. My two brothers are always complaining about how it is nearly impossible for them to gain wait. My oldest, if he doesn’t watch it, loses pounds “by accident.” I wish I had that problem. …. but I don’t. Instead, I eat a very healthy diet and panic if I indulge in a sugar free red bull or too much sugar free/low calorie mochas.
So, here I was hearing this beautiful girl being honest about her unhappiness with her figure. I completely related and I felt a little more at ease. We are not alone. Even if you already knew that, you should know just as well the importance of being reminded about that fact. It’s easy to forget.

How the heck do I stop getting bothered by this lower belly I have? It’s not huge, but it’s definitely not flat and it annoys the crap out of me. What do I want? I want to have flat abs and to see the muscles I have behind the flab. I can’t stand that extra flab that just sits there. Other parts of my body - I am content and happy, but the one spot I always notice is my lower abs. Every day (and this is no exaggeration), I look at the profile of my body. It’s not bad, but that small bulge is just sitting there or ready to come out after a freakin meal. I don’t like it. I saw these people on tv with amazing abs. Why don’t I have that? How do they do it? I know, I know, I have to be patient. I am eating healthy and that’s all I can do. I pray to G-d for patience.

I AM RIDICULOUS.

I ate saltine crackers today and I am totally beating myself up for it. I keep going around in these circles - analyzing what I could do to get rid of the extra calories. It is annoying how my mind keeps wanting to analyze this has a “set back” in my dieting. So annoying. My acid reflux went a little crazy and saltine crackers always help calm my stomach down. That’s it. Why must I analyze it. The crackers were healing to my body.
I saw myself picking at my body and being just plain unhappy with the reflection. I do not like how cruel I am to myself. I want to get over this and just celebrate what G-d has given me.

Zero Calories. This drink is heaven for my food addict mind because it gives me a ton of energy and I don’t have to obsess about getting fat. … but I did some research that I wasn’t shocked to learn.

Here’s a bit of an article I found in the Seattle Times written by Ari Bloomekatz:

“Red Bull says “it gives you wings.”

No way, say medical experts.

Not only do such drinks fail to offer a special boost, they say, their high caffeine and sugar content causes dehydration and could be dangerous for the young and active.

“These drinks are marketing ploys. I’m not aware of any scientific data that they do what they say they’re going to do,” said Mark Kantor, professor of family and consumer sciences and nutrition at the University of Maryland, who specializes in consumer education. “They don’t give you more energy.”

“A nutritionist defines energy as calories,” said Kantor. “If you refer to energy as something that gives you pep and zip and stamina, that’s just a myth. There’s nothing that provides that in food.”

Nonetheless, energy drinks, which have high amounts of caffeine and ingredients such as taurine and glucuronolactone, have exploded in the beverage market since 1997. There are now more than 1,000 different brands in the roughly $1 billion industry, said John Craven, editor of the Cambridge, Mass., based beverage-review site BevNET.com, “the beverage industry’s source for product reviews, news & more.”

Most of the explosion has been among young people. Some guzzle down the drinks at clubs and bars, mixing them with liquor; others tank up before playing in a sports event or grab a can to prepare for the work day or to stay awake and study.

Such uses trouble doctors.

“[Energy drinks] get to be problematic when used in combination with alcohol or when used before sports or with kids,” said Maher Karam-Hage, medical director of the Chelsea Arbor Addiction Treatment Center at the University of Michigan. Karam-Hage is an addiction specialist who has been a vocal critic of energy drink-alcohol cocktails.

The main cause of concern, doctors say, is that the drinks cause extreme dehydration. ”

I get it. I get it. Red Bull is not great for my body. … I want to be able to indulge in something that keeps me away from the goodies. And it can’t be something I have to worry about having very little of. I am someone who goes overboard. So … does this “thing” exist?

… at a water park was very eye opening. First of all, it made me very aware that I am not happy with my body. My abs just are not where I want them to be. I want them to be flat and for the pooch in the front to be gone. Just go away! It was impossible for me to not look at other bodies and constantly compare myself to them. Most of the time, I thought of how it was when I was younger. I thought about what I would have thought if I saw someone with my body. It was not fun judging myself to such an extreme.
It was a big lesson for me that day. I know I am not at my goal weight and I will keep working towards it. I am not going to listen to other people’s opinions. My goal weight is healthy and I have spoken and worked with professionals to know what is healthy. I am not in any denial on this one.
I am, however, definitely obsessing still. I need to move on, be patient, and be confident that I will reach my weight goal and stay there.