Eating Disorder Talk

This is the morning after I ate a bunch of crap. Annoying! I am not happy with myself right now. Not at all. I look in the mirror and I see how I am skinny, but that bulge in my lower stomach makes me frown. It was not there yesterday. Obviously, it is all the crap I ate for dinner last night. I really would love to not have junk food in my life, but at the same time, I would hate to live a life without junk food. Now, that would totally suck. At the moment, I am dressed and not too mentally happy with what I did to my body. I am not satisfied. If I had not jumped into the food, I would not be feeling this way. Period. End of story. So, now I am just plain annoyed with myself. It is what it is. I cannot change the past, but my mind knows it can beat me up about it until eternity. Darn brain! Today is going to be a mental cleansing day for me. Yes, I have my food all set to go, so that takes a lot of stress off my back. I will be okay so long as I let the past go. If I am still beating myself up about this later, I will make sure to communicate this stress and not bottle it up inside.
“G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This is the last thing I want to discover as a foodie. I love food and I love chocolate. That being said, after observing how my body almost instantly reacts to chocolate - I am intolerant of it. I don’t know if that is the right wording. I am lactose intolerant, so I figure that chocolate intolerant may be the right way to say it. I feel it instantly in my stomach - this burning sensation. It’s crazy how quickly it happens. My body gets mad very quickly and I find myself feeling crappy and ready to taste the acid that’s boiling up in my stomach. How much chocolate did I have. I had a small chocolate chip cookie and a couple bites of a brownie. I didn’t eat the whole brownie because it just wasn’t good. It didn’t have anything to do with how I was feeling it disagree with my stomach. I am a food addict - I would have normally finished it. After the reaction, I knew what it was. So sad. I love chocolate. I really do, however, if I want to remain healthy, the chocolate has got to go. Though I am saying this in the blog, it is hard to imagine me actually giving up chocolate. If I want to stay in great, fantastic health, I have no choice but to give it up.

I was catering today. This is a good thing because it means I am working and making an income, however, it is a bad thing because it puts me around a lot of food. I can get anything I want that they are offering the guests - as long as I find a way to sneak it. Sneaking food is normal in the catering industry. Well, I did not do this. I was okay being around the food and the fact that it was all sitting far away from me - that was really helpful. The food industry is a great way for performers to earn an income while looking for the next job. I have tried denying this for years, but I always ending up running back to it because that is the work that is available. But man, a food addict working with food. Not a smart idea. I want to run in the other direction as soon as I get in the atmosphere. I did well today. It’s sad that I impress myself so much by not jumping into the food. Can’t I just be normal around food?!?! What is normal anyway? Well, I am off to bed and I am not beating myself up about any food I ate. If I ate at the catering event, that would have been an entirely different mental adventure - not a fun one.

I am just learning about this. With my horrid acid reflux, I got some great advice today from a holistic, trustworthy, and knowledgeable individual. Apparently, there are certain vegetables to eat over the summer that are “cooler.” With all the “fire” in my body, I need to eating cooling food. I get that - makes sense to me. I don’t have the list yet, but this individual will be sending me an email with a list of the right cooling vegetables. I can’t wait to get this helpful information! In the meantime, luckily, I have plenty of food to finish up in my fridge, however, as soon as I get that list, I am dropping what I have and switching things up! I also learned that the acid has been a cause and major block to my digestive process. Everything that I will be doing for my reflux will help me lose weight as well!

If you have not read this book, GET IT. I finished this one a few days ago and left feeling more confident in having my own beliefs about life. Here is an excerpt from the book that I thought would be useful for readers of my blog:

“When I was finally able as an adult to sit with my mother and name the specific sexual and physical violence my father had perpetrated on me as a child, it was an impossible moment. It was naming, the saying of what had actually happened in her presence, that lifted my twenty - year depression. By remaining silent, i had muted my experience, denied it, pushed is down. This had flattened my entire life. I believe it was this moment of name that allowed both my mother nad me to eventually face our deepest demons and deceptions and become free.”

As a food addict, I suppress my demons with my food. When I am “out of the food” and focusing on life in its place, my insecurities come out in the open. It is a hard process, but it IS freeing.

It is too soon to tell, but I picked up the book titled “Beating Ana” yesterday and felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The book is filled with hope, honesty, and this infectious positive energy. I have done a lot of my recovery in a group and then on my own. In my own experience, the 12 step program I did, Food Addicts (different from Food Addicts Anonymous) left a bad taste in my mouth. I do believe in the program, but the people I worked with (though some were nice) - for the most part, I don’t believe in them. I don’t believe in judging and that is exactly what was happening to me. Please do not mix up these people I am referring to with the power of a 12 step program. My experience was just not good and unhealthy for my self esteem, so I left. Though I know I don’t want to return to that 12 step program, I do know now that I would like something similar in my life. I think “Beating Ana” may lead to my solution. It is too soon to tell, but I was so affected by the first 30 pages of the book, I felt it necessary to write about it. I will keep you posted on my experience. Recovery isn’t easy and I know I am not alone in this process. My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling with an eating disorder. Even if “Beating Ana” doesn’t end up being the right solution for myself, you should check it out. It might be the right fit for you.

I think I know my reason for my nausea. I am going to the doctor at 9:30am to take care of my problem.

“What are the symptoms of uncomplicated GERD?

The symptoms of uncomplicated GERD are primarily heartburn, regurgitation, and nausea. Other symptoms occur when there are complications of GERD and will be discussed with the complications.

Heartburn

When acid refluxes back into the esophagus in patients with GERD, nerve fibers in the esophagus are stimulated. This nerve stimulation results most commonly in heartburn, the pain that is characteristic of GERD. Heartburn usually is described as a burning pain in the middle of the chest. It may start high in the abdomen or may extend up into the neck. In some patients, however, the pain may be sharp or pressure-like, rather than burning. Such pain can mimic heart pain (angina). In other patients, the pain may extend to the back.

Since acid reflux is more common after meals, heartburn is more common after meals. Heartburn is also more common when individuals lie down because without the effects of gravity, reflux occurs more easily, and acid is returned to the stomach more slowly. Many patients with GERD are awakened from sleep by heartburn.

Episodes of heartburn may occur infrequently or frequently, but episodes tend to happen periodically. This means that the episodes are more frequent or severe for a period of several weeks or months, and then they become less frequent or severe or even absent for several weeks or months. This periodicity of symptoms provides the rationale for intermittent treatment in patients with GERD who do not have esophagitis. Nevertheless, heartburn is a life-long problem, and it almost always returns.

Regurgitation

Regurgitation is the appearance of refluxed liquid in the mouth. In most patients with GERD, usually only small quantities of liquid reach the esophagus, and the liquid remains in the lower esophagus. Occasionally in some patients with GERD, larger quantities of liquid, sometimes containing food, are refluxed and reach the upper esophagus.

At the upper end of the esophagus is the upper esophageal sphincter (UES). The UES is a circular ring of muscle that is very similar in its actions to the LES. That is, the UES prevents esophageal contents from backing up into the throat. When small amounts of refluxed liquid and/or foods breach (get through) the UES and enter the throat, there may be an acid taste in the mouth. If larger quantities breach the UES, patients may suddenly find their mouths filled with the liquid or food. What’s more, frequent or prolonged regurgitation can lead to acid-induced erosions of the teeth.

Nausea

Nausea is uncommon in GERD. In some patients, however, it may be frequent or severe and may result in vomiting. In fact, in patients with unexplained nausea and/or vomiting, GERD is one of the first conditions to be considered. It is not clear why some patients with GERD develop mainly heartburn and others develop mainly nausea.”

Looks like I may have food allergies. I am really not thrilled about this idea because it may force me to go on a caveman diet and breakdown everything I eat. Annoying and not good for me mentally as I work on losing weight. Seriously, I am over all this food drama. There is nothing I can do except the best I can in this situation. My motivation is the nausea I have been dealing with after eating in the morning. I want to get rid of that. Nausea, as I have said in recent blogs, is awful and a great excuse for me to jump into a binge. Man, I hate this. I really hate this. I have been on such a great track with losing weight and then I have to start over because my nausea gave me an excuse to eat junk food yesterday. It is super frustrating and I’m not happy about it.

I want one. I want a quick fix. I want to be at my desired weight right now. Waiting for it to be at my desired weight is nothing but a huge pain in my butt. I am over all this patience thing today. I don’t like having to follow food rules in order to get somewhere with my weight. It is frustrating. All the diets out there are unhealthy and not life choices. If making a life choice and only trying to lose 10 or less pounds, it takes longer and it’s frustrating.
I want a quick fix. I know I am far from alone on this one. Most of us don’t get to our desired weight because we lack the patience. I don’t know about you, but that is what gets me to binge. … well, I can find many reasons to jump into a binge. It’s kind of crazy how many opportunities/reasons I can come up with to stop my healthy lifestyle. Fortunately, I really do not have ANY extra money to be able to afford to jump into crappy food.

Whew! It has only been 4 days (today is day 5) and I am really having to put an extra effort into all of this. It is not easy. The first week or so is always the hardest because I am surrounded by temptations. I have to believe that I can do this for myself. I usually give up so quickly and I really do not want that to happen. I have a possible date later this week, but luckily, it is sushi and I will be able to find foods that work for my weight loss goal. Man, it is hard, but it is very possible at the same time. I can do this. I keep saying this because I am alone with this motivation to lose a few pounds - 7 to be exact. Do not criticize. I am eating and I am healthy. I just do not have a day of junk food in my life for awhile. I feel mentally stable and I safe from binging. I’m in a good place and keeping focus.

Seriously annoyed right now. I have the nausea again. It is like clockwork and I totally hate it. I hate this feeling and it only takes away from all the necessary energy I need to get things done today. I am going to the beach today and I hope it doesn’t make me feel any worse. Man, feeling like crap is truly exhausting. Seriously, why would anyone want to feel like this. I know that throwing up is a quick, terrible, and extremely unhealthy way to lose weight. Many people do it. But man, I feel like shit. I am amazing myself because I am not swearing as much as I feel like swearing right now. I do not want to feel crappy. Within my food addiction, I have learned to turn to my higher power. But I am not getting an answer. Why? Why am I still feeling nausea? What am I doing wrong? What is the lesson to be learned because I am ready to learn it. I want this nausea to GO AWAY!

Great way to get myself to want to quit eating healthy, right? Since Wednesday, after breakfast, I have been dealing with this awful nausea. It is the worst! I do my best to function and have to focus on things that don’t make me feel like vomiting. Just this morning, I was in the subway feeling extra sensitive. I was grateful to have this gentlemen next to me wearing too much cologne. It was a smell I could stand and that covered up any of the smells of garbage.
How the heck can a person throw up regularly. I know the thought is to lose weight, but I can’t do it. To me, throwing up is the worst. I hate how I feel before, during, and afterwards. It takes away so much energy and I’m rendered useless for getting anything done and as a singer. My voice is shot after I vomit. On the other hand, there have been days when I have wished I could throw up my food to stay thin. It’s terrible to admit, however, it is so true.
Back to my main point - nausea sucks. I will be happy when this awful feeling ends.

Beck - “Nausea”

It feels so good when I eat healthy like this. I had natural grains, fruits, veggies, and low fat protein today. It was delicious and left me very content. I love being healthy and my body loves it as well. The energy I had today was amazing. I was not so sure how I would pull through the day with the sickness I was dealing with the past two days … but now, man, I am doing great. I am super happy about it. I swear, when I get sick, that is when I remember to be grateful for my health. It is so easy to forget to have gratitude for the small things. So, for now, I am sticking to my food and expressing many thanks to my higher power for feeling as good as I do right now. I got a lot more done today since feeling better and I love it. I am what I eat.

I hate eating when I am sick. I am not hungry yet starving at the same time. It can become very confusing and it doesn’t help when all I am trying to do is lose weight. At the moment, I have finished my food for the day. It was not all weighed and measured as I would have preferred. I ended up eating a lot more grains than I had planned and it bothers me. If I didn’t have an early morning tomorrow, I would stay up late and do my cardio. In this case, it is not possible. So, in the meantime, I have to just give it to G-d and have faith that I am doing the right thing for my body and my health. The weight loss will come. I only have to stick to my food plan and it will happen. Period. There is no reason to stress over it. … but I am a little bit, so I thought I would bring it up in this blog. Why can’t I just be normal around food? It is so annoying and frustrating. I would love to simply eat food like everyone else and have it not be dramatic at all. Man, that would be amazing. Being sick alone is stressful enough - and on top of it, I am analyzing everything I am eat. I am not eating cookies or cake or any of that nonsense. I am taking great care of myself and my body is digesting and keeping everything down. That is all I could ask for as my body heals itself. I am praying for patience.

No, this is not me doing the bulimic thing. I was doing fine today. I had a light breakfast of oatmeal and an apple. For lunch, I wasn’t very hungry, so I had some tofu and pickles. I knew I was going to go out to eat with my family, so I wanted to save up for that. … shortly after my lunch, I was on the phone with a friend … and I felt like I was going to throw up. It told my friend I had to go. For a half an hour, I was battling with my mind that I did not want to throw up. Then it hit me and I ran to the bathroom while covering my mouth. It was awful. My lunch came up. I had bread shortly after. Nothing came up and I was grateful. Maybe the food was bad? … or could it have been the laxative I took … AHA! Very possibly. I wasn’t going to the restroom much from the laxative and I think my body may have become confusing and it came out differently. Thank G-d that was my last laxative. I do not have the money to get anymore right now. I passed out shortly after the vomiting and recovery session. I hate throwing up. It is the worst. I have a long day tomorrow and I am supposed to sing at auditions. I pray that I have a voice for it.