An Eye Opening Message
Don’t mistake my longing to be loved with my longing to be thin.
This is my interpretation of the eye-opening message I got when reading this great book called “When Food is Love.” Wow. So true for me. I have been observing myself as I start to feel more thin and more confident the longer I stay away from binging. I let myself notice boys more and use my body as a way to get their attention. It is so true. I even went so far as to get my stage mic backstage in my sports bra. Others would not have thought anything of it, but for me, it was a big deal. My confidence is growing as I feel thin. I wasn’t thinking for myself. I was hoping a boy would notice and I was so happy inside when he did.
After getting the message from the book this morning, I really identified my true actions last night. I want to be thin for many reasons. I have become very good at finding reasons why I obsess about being/staying thin/getting to my goal weight. A huge one for me - getting a man in my life. When I am thin, I feel confident and men notice me. When I feel fat, I have an excuse. Going into a binge gives me an excuse on why I am alone and do not have a man. I grew up as an ugly duckling and in many ways, I still see myself as one. My quirky and crazy personality is my continuous excuse on why I am alone.
I love to be in control and the idea that I am single. It is okay if don’t have a man in my life as long as it goes with my own terms. … food puts me in control of my love life. If I am fat and ugly, that explains why I don’t have a man. If I am thin and don’t have a man, I don’t have control anymore.
Wow. I have no idea how to fix this mental problem. I don’t have a clue.
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