Eating Disorder Talk

I feel like I’ve been a fake, so I’d rather get my big (and exciting to me) epiphany out in the open. I blogged about it on my personal site, too - along with some other inspiring life stuff (that was sarcasm). So, to quote myself:

“…in three parts.

one was that i took some pictures of my form after seeing my doctor and finding out i’d lost more weight, unintentionally. i was awestruck and where did all of these ribs came from?

secondly, i was honest with someone i’ve been romantically involved with in the past about my weight. i’ve rarely to never been honest about it and you can guess, if you’re a man i’ve slept with and you ask me how much i weigh when i’m losing weight, i’ll lie. i’ll add 10 or 5 or 6.5 pounds to the actual number because i can’t stand to see the look that is a mixture of incredulity at the mere number and that they would still want to see me naked at that number. i have seen boys go from horny toads to pensive psychologists in the blink of an eye and it’s not pretty (for my self esteem).

thirdly, i got the usual questions which used to annoy me but now i find comforting from one of the longest best friends, stargirl. stargirl amazes me at most moments and there’s been more times than i’d like to remember than me losing weight has lead to a tear-filled conversation. not about her, unlike a lot of the people i’ve interacted with. anyways, she asked the usual questions and she believed me when i said that i thought i was too thin and needed a few pounds, say 5-10. sure, it’s still underweight, but it’s the opposite of being anorexic, so whatevs. and then we discussed my eating habits and it occurred that i’m not intentionally restricting and i’m not purging and i’m not eating diet foods (except skim milk in my starbucks white mochas) or exercising for exercising’s sake. basically, i’m not working to lose weight, it’s falling off cuz i forget to eat and get distracted and am doing one of the million things on my plate, etc. you know that to be the truth when you watch me when zoë’s eating. i will eat anything she does and often finish her leftovers.

so, point: i’m not relapsing, i’ve just not been paying enough attention to terra.”

I feel as if I’ve been lying to all of you readers. And for that and my dramatic hypochondria, I apologize. I also apologize for the near future, when I completely doubt this whole “not relapsing” thought and reverse course, yet again.