Eating Disorder Talk

Everyone knows that liquor is nothing but empty calories … but it is also a great social thing. I had a date last night and we ended up going to a bar at one point. It was a fun conversation, however, I was not so happy that I was drinking. All those empty calories got my mind to desire to jump straight into a binge. No fun. I was not going to do it, so I didn’t. … but it did cross my mind multiple times as I drank the sweet beverage. I felt as thought I was already screwing up, so why not go all the way? Luckily for me, I did not do this to myself. I am grateful because it would have only put me in a deep hole mentally. I woke up this morning mentally healthy because I resisted any kind of binge. My body is my temple. That sounds lame when i say it, but if I remember that, I know and remember how important it is to take care of myself.

Why is it that when dating it has to be all about food? I am always trying to come up with different, inventive things to do other than eating. Should we go for a walk/a bookstore/? It is common for people to gain weight when they start seeing someone and I will not go there. I look good and want to stay looking this way. Hold on. I can’t believe I just said that about myself. I am so cruel and picky about how I look and now I can say something like “I look good and want to stay looking this way.” Bullshit! I am not happy with how I look and want to lose weight - thus emphasizing even more on how I don’t want to go out to eat all the time while dating. There is more to life rather than food. I want to experience that. I hardly ever go out to eat on my own time and I don’t want to change my healthy habits.

I am craving something sweet almost all the time. It is kind of annoying how much it can call to me at times. I have a huge sweet tooth. I love sugary or chocolate things. Yum! In the past, when I was binging, sugar was usually the main product in what I ate. Ice cream and chocolate were easy products to go overboard on especially because I could get them so cheap. Luckily, when I live in New York, I can get cheap, fresh fruit very easily. Now, I am not going to act like it is the same thing as all those great, processed sugary treats. … but it is ten times better for my body. I feel that when I went without chocolate for 3 years, I truly detoxed from the product. I didn’t crave it because I forgot how it tasted. Now that I have had it recently (two days ago), it is fresh in my taste-buds and ten times harder to resist. Oy vey.

Yep, I do not want to eat. I don’t. Food only causes me emotional drama and I am totally sick of it. Seriously, it costs money and gets me fat. I am truly relating with anorexic people right now. I know this not healthy, but that is how I feel at the moment. I am pissed off and frustrated about my body. I am annoyed at how much I spent on food only last month. I spent enough on food that should at least last me two freakin months! … or more!! Food really does feel like the enemy right now. What does not cause cancer?
There are five million useless and obnoxious ways to lose weight. There are five million proper ways to eat healthy. There is always a new food fad and I’m sick of it. I just want to have something down that truly satisfies me. Can this be possible?
Man, I really do not want to eat today…

This girl lists food she hates. Right now, I just hate anything.

I was doing so well and then I had to go and mess it up by eating three brownies and some chips and salsa. G-d forbid I have only one freakin brownie. See, I had a great workout and then I went and gained it all back with food. It didn’t go any further than what I ate (thank G-d). I’m actually surprised that I didn’t go into a full-on binge. That is shocking to me because the brownies were not the only amazing things available to me at the dinner table. Right now, it is totally late at night and I need to head to bed rather soon. I have a big day tomorrow. Eating was not in my schedule and I literally cannot lie down until 2 hours after I eat because of my acid reflux. Annoying, right? There is a huge part of me that just wants to put a finger down my throat and throw it all up right now. I won’t, but the desire is strong.

Resisting food at the barbeque was not as hard as I thought it would be. I brought my own salad and drank some of the diet, decaf sodas available. Because it was not a good idea to put any focus on the food, I had to pay more attention to the people. I had some interesting conversations with people, but my favorite part of the day was on the water. At the BBQ, we were right on the river. I got to ride in a paddle boat. Sitting on that water was extra calming and centering. I felt like I was at home sitting in this tiny boat in the middle of the water. It calmed me. The food portion of the evening didn’t last as long as the actual party. I have been to gatherings where it really was all about the food. Luckily, at this one, there were plenty of other things to do. I had a great time!

There comes a huge sense of relief when I am eating natural foods like fruits and vegetables. I don’t question what I am putting into my body because it is all natural. If I had the money, I would purchase only organic foods to ensure that I am taking proper care of my body. At the moment, this is not a possibility. I do not have the money. Period. In the meantime, I do the best I can and try my best to not beating up myself for not being “perfect.” So, while there is relief in eating healthfully, there is also a lot of pressure I put on myself. I want to be the best at everything! I want to save the world in a single day! I want to be on top! Yeah, I know that is unrealistic and the best way to completely lose sight of enjoying the journey. If I am picking at every choice I make in my healthy eating habits, I am going to drive myself insane.

This is a big step for me. I have been allowing myself to eat junk food once per week and my weight is maintaining because of it. I want to lose 6 pounds. For me to do it, I have to let go of my junk food day. So, I am going to make a big change - no junk food days for an entire month. Period. I just had a junk food day today and I am over it. It is not going to be an easy journey, so I am going to have to reach out, learn, and communicate all the time in order to stop myself from going back into my old binging habits that only made me feel extra crappy about myself. Tomorrow is day one. I can do this and have to believe that I can do this. Anything is possible. I will consider this to be a great opportunity for growth. If you have anything positive or helpful to say to help me get through this in good, mental health, by all means, please feel free to email me and say it.

This video was really helpful for me: