Eating Disorder Talk

Laxatives. I had admitting this one. But I am ready to give it up and it helps when I come out of the closet. Laxatives.

Since last Tuesday, I have been taking ex-lax daily. I didn’t plan on it. I figured, “Oh, I will do it just this once. The “once” turned into three days in a row and so on. Even on a day I was planning to stop (yesterday), my acid reflux went crazy, so I took a laxative to get some of the acid out of my body. The reflux had to do with all the caffeine and wine I was drinking – it was my own damn fault. The laxative did help.

I now have 3 rounds of laxatives left. I plan to use them up and that is the end of it. That is what I am praying for. I don’t know if I will want to use a laxative tomorrow. Right now, I don’t want to and I don’t plan on it. The option is there. … I just have to see how I am feeling and go from there.

Close to when I first took over the blog, I spoke about laxatives. It never occurred to me that they were an option and that they could be yet another addiction. A reader questioned my lame blog. I did not know. A part of me felt ashamed by this person’s response. I felt like an idiot. But then I realized, I was criticized for my own thoughts. I can’t control my thoughts. Thoughts happen whether you want to have them or not. I say my thoughts out loud in a blog about my food problem.

Today, I am bothered by that comment. Now that I have the problem, I am disliking that comment from that reader. It was not considerate to me. Eating disorders are a very delicate thing. Do not question what a person is going through. If you have or have had an eating disorder, pretend you are talking to the most sensitive part of yourself … than speak.

I realize I have not been taking laxatives for long, but I do realize this is quickly becoming a problem and I want to stop it now.

My acid reflux acted up and it is all my fault. Last week, I had caffeine every single day. I know caffeine is truly poison for my body and wakes up all the acid in my body. I ignored the consequences and had caffeine anyhow because I loved the taste. I know, I know it was dumb of me.
Now, I am finding myself totally obsessing about what I ate today to take care of my body. When my acid reflux gets really bad like it just did, I have to eat a lot more bread and crackers. I don’t like eating that much grain in a single day and I automatically feel like a fat slob after I have digested all the crappy food. … I know it’s not a huge deal to others, but for me, I don’t like it. I do not like feeling fat. I was looking in the mirror and absolutely hating my body. It sucked major balls - seeing my ugly reflection in the mirror.
I think if I weighed myself, I would feel so much better … would I? It would be good to know the weight I am at - I have not weighed myself in awhile, so I think it will actually be a very good idea to learn about my current weight.

Man, I just get it out of my mind. I was feeling great about myself last week and now, with this change in eating, I am obsessing. I want it to stop! I want to love how I look!

I just sometimes can’t tell if I am hungry. Sometimes, I really think I am hungry, but then I can’t tell. Does anyone share the same confusion? I have no clue on this matter at the moment. I ate my food for the day, but I feel like I could keep eating. Is that hunger or am I in the mood to eat for eatings sake?

I really cannot tell. So, I have been distracting myself with the company of my friends and this blog. I am still working on finding the best balance with food in my life and I still do feel like I am on the right track. I am going to keep heading in this direction and eventually have both great physical and mental health around food. It is possible to be “normal” around food and I plan to be that way more and more everyday.
But for now, I am still figuring things out.

Sometimes you just need to let yourself cry. That was me last night. I found myself walking alone and I had a big cry.
I was swarmed in thoughts of feeling sorry for myself. I felt alone. In the moment, it was odd how alone I felt. I have made some great friends here and could have walked with someone if I asked. But no, there was a huge part of me (the self pity part), that needed to walk alone. I had a big cry. There I was, walking by myself and crying for myself. It’s kind of a sad scenario when you think about it.
I was doing exactly what I don’t like - feeling sorry for myself when there really was no reason. Even if there was not a good enough reason, I needed that time alone to cry. I felt the need in my entire body. By the time I got home, I felt better. The crying was some kind of necessary release.

I am sure that I have done this before, but I have never done it where I am as conscious about the situation as I was last night. I was aware of everything as I was walking and crying. After observing my actions lasts night, I am ready to criticize myself. … but no. I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to pat myself on my back to have given myself the time it needed to release. If I feel better now, how could that have been a bad thing?

Food is a big social thing in general. In this cast/show I am in, we are always celebrating birthdays. I swear, there is at least one per week. That means there is always cake. For the most part, I have resisted the cake. I know it would taste fabulous, but I also know how my mind can work so terribly after one bite.

I figure, “Well, I just cheated on my healthy day, so I might as well continue.” Yeah, it’s not a great way of thinking and one day I will be at piece with myself enough to be able to have a piece of cake and go on with my planned food for the rest of the day. I know this is possible. I feel myself getting to such a great place and I have hope and belief that I will get to such a great place of peace one day.
So, I am eating out with the cast today to be social and to treat myself. The theatre in which we work for provides meals and I have only taken up the offer once because they do not serve the healthiest food. I want to have some time at the theatre and fun with the cast and eat the freakin food.
I have asked myself an important question, “Do I depend on the food to have fun?” The answer is “no.” I can easily have a great time without the food. I have to ask myself this because the food totally can dance for me and destroy my opportunity to enjoy people around me. But simultaneously, the reason I am going to this brunch is to try this food and see what it is that everyone else has been eating weekly.
… so this event is about the food as well … is that bad? I didn’t think so until I started to write this blog and started to think about other people’s opinions.

I grew up as a ballerina and I have this awful ballerina body taste. I love figures with no butt, no hips, and hardly any boobs. That’s what I got used to seeing when I was a ballerina. While I was in High School, I read this book call “Dancing on my Grave.” It’s a biography about this famous ballerina. In the book, her eating disorders are revealed and it’s astonishing to learn that her body was able to function despite the torture she put it through.

Years have gone by, but I still think the most beautiful bodies are the ballet ones. Not on other people … but on me. I want to look like that. It’s funny cause I have seen women with curves and I think they can look really hot. It’s a personal preference for my own body. The problem? I was not built that way. I was built to have an ass. I would say butt, but ass feels more appropriate at the moment. I also was not born with a long torso. I do have the long, skinny legs …. from an outsider’s point of view, I have a thin body. I am starting to see how I don’t see myself as thin enough. I know, I know, that is not healthy, but I am bringing it up and finally calling myself on it.

I need to get this whole “ideal body” concept out of my head. I am only going in circle and not making myself feel any better.

Check them out below and don’t be afraid to comment if you have any thoughts.

I have been feeling so much better about myself lately. I have been working on celebrating my body and it has been going very well for me. I want to have this feeling about myself on a regular basis. I want to celebrate my body. I do want to keep this self-love going. My confidence has gone up and I have been feeling great about myself.
This process of self love was discovered in this great book by Geneen Roth titled “When Food is Love.” This book really helped me take a look at what I have experienced in my past and how I developed a way to replace it with food. Food has covered up/hidden my pain in my life. We all have our problems. For me, I have discovered how I use food as a means to distract myself from the food.
Okay, I am starting to get deeper than I had intended. In the end, I just wanted to share that I have been feeling so much better about my own reflection in the mirror. I am starting to like what my higher power has given me.

I am not a fan of making a habit of this, but sometimes I just need some caffeine before a show. Lately, I have been totally exhausted and I have been giving myself more time to sleep. In the mornings, there is just a huge part of me that does not want to get up - my body. So, listen … partly. I sleep a little bit longer, but not as long as by weighing down body wants me to sleep.
To wake up and get myself to a high energy these past two days, I have had some caffeine. Now, with my acid reflux, it is not a good idea for me to make a habit of in-taking this caffeine. I have to be wary. In the meantime, I have been loving the taste of the caffeine. Like any food addict - I have fallen in love with this food ritual. I really do love food rituals. It gives me a sense of comfort no matter where I am.
In this case, the food ritual is fine. It is temporary. I may have caffeine tomorrow, but after that, for health reasons, I am cutting myself off for at least a couple of days. I may not even have it tomorrow because I got a slight headache from the caffeine today even.
It amazes me to see how many people can live off a cup of coffee daily. My body really resists it. It’s not the end of the world and it is only a drink - I must keep reminding myself that…

My heart goes out to this brave woman. Food is an addiction and she has put herself in the spotlight - hoping to be cured/escape from the disease.

Food tastes fabulous. No doubt. It is not easy for everyone to just walk away from the food. It is such a source of entertainment. Unfortunately, Kirstie in a position where she can be made fun of or supported in her yo yo dieting. The thing is - she is totally not alone and not to be criticized.

I did not get to see the entire episode on Oprah. I don’t like the idea of her being criticized. As a foodie, I am already hard enough on myself. I hope they were kind to her the whole time. If anything, she deserves constant love and support. I may be wrong - I am just going from what I need.

I am in adoration of this actress. I think she is a strong, easily relate-able human being. I support her journey and wish her only happiness.

I am somehow still sober. And when I say sober, I am talking about not bingeing. I don’t have a clue on how it has happened. That’s a lie. I totally know how. I go to bed at a good time instead of staying up and eating. I talk to my friends openly when I feel a binge coming on. I find something else to do. … I am using life to my advantage and therefore, I am feeling great about myself. Being out of the food is such a release for me.
It is great to look in the mirror and feel good about myself. That is exactly how I have been feeling. It is fantastic. I am not even wearing the most form fitting stuff… just overall, I am feeling great!
So, here I am during my dinner break before my next show. I am not eating. I finished my meal almost an hour ago and I feel satisfied. My mind may very possibly start banging and begging for me to eat soon, but I have the support here to help me stay on track. It feels so great to be out of the food and in continuous sobriety.

For anyone who is struggling with food today, please know it is possible to find a light at the end of the tunnel. The process of getting there may be rocky and not so easy, but it is totally possible.

Don’t mistake my longing to be loved with my longing to be thin.

This is my interpretation of the eye-opening message I got when reading this great book called “When Food is Love.” Wow. So true for me. I have been observing myself as I start to feel more thin and more confident the longer I stay away from binging. I let myself notice boys more and use my body as a way to get their attention. It is so true. I even went so far as to get my stage mic backstage in my sports bra. Others would not have thought anything of it, but for me, it was a big deal. My confidence is growing as I feel thin. I wasn’t thinking for myself. I was hoping a boy would notice and I was so happy inside when he did.

After getting the message from the book this morning, I really identified my true actions last night. I want to be thin for many reasons. I have become very good at finding reasons why I obsess about being/staying thin/getting to my goal weight. A huge one for me - getting a man in my life. When I am thin, I feel confident and men notice me. When I feel fat, I have an excuse. Going into a binge gives me an excuse on why I am alone and do not have a man. I grew up as an ugly duckling and in many ways, I still see myself as one. My quirky and crazy personality is my continuous excuse on why I am alone.

I love to be in control and the idea that I am single. It is okay if don’t have a man in my life as long as it goes with my own terms. … food puts me in control of my love life. If I am fat and ugly, that explains why I don’t have a man. If I am thin and don’t have a man, I don’t have control anymore.

Wow. I have no idea how to fix this mental problem. I don’t have a clue.

Man, I do not know how I got through the day. I totally wanted to jump into the food so many times. I must say - kind of ridiculous. I am past two weeks and usually I don’t get past it. It has not been easy. I really wanted to have the twix bar in the cabinet and the chocolate cake offered for free at dinner. I wanted to dig through a fridge at work for junk food. Somehow, I did not do these things. I really don’t have a clue on how I avoided the junk. I really was ready to jump in.
Instead of eating junk food and binging, I went for a walk with a friend and talked about my desire for the food. I then proceeded to spend time with other friends. I would have gotten more work done, but for myself at one point, but I really needed more of a distraction from food. I kept myself busy. I drank a lot of fluids and kept on the move. Now it is 11pm and I am heading to bed. Thank G-d! I am so grateful to have made it through the day without a binge!