Eating Disorder Talk

That’s how it has been feeling for me. Every since I saw that I was at my goal weight, I wanted to jump into a binge. Instead of looking far ahead of me, I have been putting more focus on the now. I say to myself, “For now, I can go without the chocolate.” A couple minutes later, I may have the same conversation with myself. The next thing I do - find something to do or I talk about it with someone or I drink some fluids or I take a nap. Those have been my latest, spur of the moment solutions to stop myself from jumping into the food. I am happy with my weight and I don’t want to get back into misery. If anything, the misery only stops me from focusing on other things in my life. I want to enjoy the “now” in my life damn it!
So, right now, I can go without chocolate and I can write this blog instead.

Okay, so I am wanting to binge this evening. As a way to resist, I am letting myself focus on the great food I will get tomorrow. For now, I do not need the food. That is working for me.
Also, I am getting myself to bed a little sooner in order to assure that I don’t binge. I just weighed myself today and I am at 120.5 pounds. This is the weight I get to right before I have binged the last couple of times. I do not want to do it and getting over this hump is not easy.
My friend who is aware of my problem has been extra kind and checked up on me several times. What a great friend! I have never had someone look out for me before with my binging and it is such a huge compliment. I am very grateful.

There is a big part of me that wants to binge. I am grateful that it is the end of the day. It makes not going into the food so much easier.

I have been weighing and measuring my food for more than three years. If I do not weigh and measure my food, I always question the amounts I am eating. It is far from fun. If anything, I can get consumed by analyzing everything that I have just eaten. It sucks! There is no doubt that weighing gives me a definitive on the amounts I am eating. I know I am getting the right amount of nutrition and food without over/under-doing it. So, here I am and I ate a little more outside my weighed and measured food and it is driving me a little nuts. I don’t like it. I knew I should have just stuck to what I had planned. If I had done that, I would not be where I am at the moment - analyzing and questioning my choice to eat a little more. I don’t like this level of unrest. Can I think of anything else? Sure I can, but right now, my mind is wrapped around food. I need a life!

Looks as though I will be doing a triathlon with my brothers this summer. We have been talking about doing it for almost a year, but now we have finally set the date.
Now, I must say that I am not doing this to lose weight. I do not want to fool my mind and think that doing the triathlon gives me an opening to have yet another binge. In this case, that is not going to be a possibility. I will not let that happen because I have been able to not binge for a little more than a week now and I am very proud of myself. Last night, I totally felt like jumping into chocolate. Somehow, I didn’t. I was reaching for a hershey’s kiss and then I thought of the “and then what.” I quickly recalled how miserable I would be after the binge and stopped myself.
I avoided misery. I did not need to be miserable and I knew it. So, I stopped myself and had a great evening.
So, now I am planning to do the triathlon. If anything, I want to use it as an excuse to be even healthier with my food choices. I am going to give my body the love it deserves!

I am so selfish. I have been thinking about me me me and have forgotten about how important it is to help others who are going through the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, I am always reaching out for a hand, but I have to give back as well. Who wants to live in a world of self pity anyhow? Not me. So, I have decided to focus on others. I have decided to focus on giving my love out to others. I want to help others be happy in their lives. I will still care for myself in the process, by living that shared experience of making the other person feel truly happy. That’s what it is all about.
Lately, I have drowned myself in this world of self pity and forgotten about the benefits of giving. So, if you are feeling sorry for yourself on a regular basis just like I am, go help someone. I promise - you will feel so much better.

Check it out! 5 new posts below. I wrote these while away from the computer this past week. Write a comment if you have any thoughts. Have a great day!

I love being social and partying once in awhile. With my acid reflux, I now know I cannot go to an extreme, but a small drink every once in awhile is okay. Honestly, that is the least of my problem.
Calories. Sugar. Eating to sober up. Those are the things that are associated to drinking (in my opinion) that make it not fun. I may have a good time and enjoy the taste, but in the end, the next day, there is a part of me that feels guilty.
Overall, anyone knows that drinking is not good for the body. It is a poison. The line, “what’s your poison?” did not come out of thin air.
As an addict, I see food as a poison in general at times. Anything I put in my mouth can be over analyzed especially if I do not know what is in it.
Back to drinking - I want to find a good balance with it when I do decide to drink. I know I cannot drink on a regular basis. My body can’t take that kind of regularity and I would like to find a balance. In the end, if it meant to work with my health, it will work. … we’ll see …

Well, in the midst of my TV show watching, I got into “Gossip Girl.” This show is a fun, girly show that is easy to get into. Well, in the first season, on the third disk, one of the female characters, Blair, has major difficulties with her family. As a reaction to her problems, she gets into a major binge by herself in her mom’s kitchen. As she eats everything in front of her, flashbacks are shown of her difficulty with binging in the past. She then goes to the bathroom to throw it all up. The next thing - she calls her best friend who immediately comes to be by her side right away.

The more I have connected and become honest with myself about my eating disorder, the more I have noticed … this is a common thing for many people. There seem to be different levels of eating disorders, but many people have some kind of issue with food. Though I feel surrounded by people who can relate, many people can still be very sensitive to the topic. Hopefully, characters like Blair will help people come out of their shells and seek help.

Why does free food usually have to be the crappy stuff? I remember in college there were many times that I got to have free hot dogs. Sometimes there were hamburgers and if it was a gallery opening on campus, I would stuff myself with the free cheese and crackers. I was not a binger back then because I was not as concerned about my health.

If free food was offered, I wish it was healthy. At my current, fantastic job, we are provided meals on work days. For most of the days, I don’t have any of the food because it only opens me up to a world of unhealthy food that could very easily lead me to a binge.

There are so many ways to get free food. It’s great to save the money, but what are you doing to your body?

I have worked with people who were not major drinkers, but became them when on certain gigs. Years ago, I worked on a cruise ship as a performer. I was never much of a drinker because I didn’t like the after effects (hangover). For me personally, once in awhile was okay. For others, it seemed crazy drinking nights on almost a daily basis worked for them just fine. I was lucky to never witness any of the truly awful after effects of drinking.

But then I learn about what it does to the body and it freaks me out. I was working with young 20 year olds. In my opinion, our bodies were still young and resilient. I am sure that there were people who had problems with their bodies from all the drinking. There had to be. These researches do not come out of nowhere. Working on the ship - man, there was so much drinking going on. And in many cases, a lot of addictive behaviors in general. We were all stuck on a ship and I think it became a human instant to find some sort of regular escape. No one likes to feel trapped.

Regardless, over doing anything is not a good thing. So, be careful and keep praying for balance.

I was on a break at work and began to randomly speak about my eating disorder. I have learned to be very open about my problem. Though I speak very candidly about my issues, I am still very vulnerable. In the midst of my openness, a coworker opened up. This meant the world to me. I know it was a huge deal for this beautiful individual to open up. Because this person opened up - I don’t know how else to describe it - magic happened. Just knowing that we were not alone felt so good. We ended up making pacts to be there for each other. I do hope we stick to it. In my addiction, I will purposely avoid getting in touch with these fellows in order to dive into my binge. I would like to take advantage of her presence and I hope she does the same for me.
It is odd to open up in the work environment, but I feel it is important. I spend a lot of my life at work and the last thing I need is more isolation because I feel like I am the only person thinking about food in a conversation with a person (that has nothing to do with food). I want to focus on the “here and now” and enjoy the people around me.
I feel so blessed to have someone at work going through the same issues with food. G-d really is watching over me.

So sorry. Just opened a show and am finishing up opening weekend. By today, I will be posting a lot of blogs in a row to make up for my time missed.

Have a great day!

In season 5 of Nip Tuck (episodes 3 and 4), a plastic surgeon dates an actress who is a closet binger. It was something I could relate to and I appreciated how her role was written. I don’t feel like eating disorders are acknowledged in the serious manner the way they should be in the media. Many times, I watch a movie where they have the popular high school girls throwing up to stay thin. This is done in a light manner to emphasize what terrible girls they are … I get the joke. I get their intention and it fits with a stereotype. I don’t dwell on it, but I do not like that I see more eating disorders presented in that manner rather than the serious, gentle and respected manner it deserves. It is an addiction and it is good to see tv characters portrayed in a real way - a way where other addicts can completely relate with the characters.

In these episodes in Nip Tuck, that’s what I got. Even if the story line was not real, it felt real and I felt like I was not alone.
Thank you, Nip Tuck!

Do you get acid reflux when you binge? I ask cause I totally get that … and it is terrible. I don’t think I have mentioned this yet - I am a performer. That is what I do and I am grateful for my life. I have had a fear of sharing this fact on the blog because of “other people’s opinions.” I do not want to be judged and I really don’t think I can handle it. But, in case someone else out there has the same profession - you are not alone (alwaysauditioning.com - my other blog).
Back to the reflux: I can taste it and it frightens me when I feel it. It messes up my singing voice (what I need for work). It forces me to go on immediate vocal rest because it really does damage my chords and I need to be in great vocal condition for my shows/auditions. If anything, binging pushes me into isolation at times when I really know that is the last thing I need.
Acid reflux is a nightmare come true for me.

despite their good intentions, just do not understand eating disorders. If you don’t have a problem with food, I understand how it would be hard to comprehend how a person could “fall into a binge.”

This afternoon, some lovely new friends of mine gave me their strong thoughts and opinions about my eating disorder with the idea of “just don’t do it.” I thanked for the input, but hearing it only made me want to cry. I felt very ashamed of myself. My terrible binges. The fact that I am still praying to be normal around food - I felt like an idiot. Even if that was not the intention, that is how I felt.
The worse thing is - I binged last night and I feel super ashamed and awful about it. Ironically, instead of talking to an actual person about it, I am telling people online. … and I feel so ashamed. It is only 7:49pm and I want to go to bed because I feel so weak about myself.
In reaction to the last binge, I have been over exercising and I plan to do more of it tomorrow on my day off.
It is what it is … and I am feeling pretty ashamed and crappy about myself right now.