Eating Disorder Talk

Last night, I went through all my personal drama without a vice. I love that! It is so amazing and HARD to go without a vice. I did not jump into the food. I went to bet. I stayed up a little later than I would have liked because I kept stressing over my ordeal over and over. What could I have done better? They are so wrong! Does this mean I need to get a new job even before I leave town next Sunday? Five million questions that I didn’t want to think about were beating through my head.
This is usually when I would jump into the food. It completely distracts me from all of my inner stress. Food really does that for me - it provides an intense escape. It is just me and the food when I am stuffing myself. Nothing else. Is this a good thing? No. I may be in my coma during the whole eating process, but afterwards … that is an entirely different story.
My higher power was with me last night. My higher power helped me go straight to bed. It was late anyhow and I my body deserved the love.
Last night, I was without a vice. Isn’t that beautiful?

I am so pissed off at my bosses at my job. I feel undervalued. I am already being paid horribly, so they offer me one of their services for free to make up for the horrible pay. What do I get from this exchange? Resentment. It is terrible.

I have struggled for so long with my own self value and when other people take it like crap … well, I just can’t take it. I am already hard enough on myself, so if someone else pushes judgment on me, it is like this rash I want to get rid of immediately. Dude, it’s my self hate that gets me into the food many times.
So, how do I deal with it now. I stand up for myself. I communicate. I don’t cuss or go overboard, but I do let people know how I feel. If they choose to brush off all that I have said and be rude, they are cut out of my life.
What do I hate most about this? I obsess about it in my head over and over again. As an addict, it is so hard for me to let things go. Man, I could punch something right now or just as easily jump into a carton of ice cream. I am not going to do either.
I am going to bed.

Holy crap! I have regular readers for this blog? I had no idea and that totally lets me know that the focus on this blog is extremely important. I am sharing this because there are so many of us out there who relate to this very important topic.
There are so many different kinds of eating disorders - mine is binging. Some who are reading may be throwing up or not eating any food at all. I can understand the mindset for all of the those disorders. I wish I didn’t. But the reality is that I don’t understand how to be normal around food … and neither do you.
So, this blog is becoming what I had hoped - helpful. To me, talking about my own experiences, is the best method of help I can come up with. If you, the reader, have a better idea, DO IT. Don’t waste your time criticizing me. Become yet another person who helps others with this awful disease.
Hold up. I am not putting myself up on some pedestal. I am sitting right next to you in an imaginary chair and openly sharing my own struggles. I have strong opinions, but I am very open to hearing other thoughts. I may not agree with you, but I will listen and do my best to understand.
I hope that by me talking about it, it may influence you to come out of your shell and talk to someone about it. I came out to my mom about it last week and it was frightening. Writing this blog really helped me understand the importance of talking to mom about it.

Anywho, I just found out I have some fabulous college students who have been following my blog for a bit and it made me really aware of how many people could be reading this. I have no idea on how to tell how many hits I get. Glad to know that people are taking care of themselves and reading up on the subject. … but don’t just read my blog. Read as much as you can. Get involved in a group when you finally get the balls. Get out of your little cave. Do it for yourself. You deserve it.

And here is a fabulously cheesy song by Michael Jackson. I think I may have posted this before, but I really can’t remember.

I have already done food addicts and I didn’t like it. I need a support group, not the opposite. I am already hard enough on myself and I don’t need a room full of critics to mess me up even more. I would love to say that other voices don’t affect me, but that would be totally untrue. They do. I am a sensitive person. I have built up more love for myself over the years. When I do esteemable things, I build my self esteem. Looking back at all that I have done in my life, I am very proud. In retrospect, my memories make me smile. … hmmm … there are some memories that don’t make me feel to great, but without life’s obstacles, I would not have made the esteemable choices. Is esteemable even a word? I don’t know, but I think you get my point and that is what is important. So, yes, I have made personal, inner progress with my career. Now, I want a true support group. I want to go into a room where I can talk about my current challenges and triumphs. Even if the story is the same, I want to be able to share it. If it is different, I want to share that as well. A support group sounds like a great thing for me at this point.

In this world, it is easy to get obsessed with every little thing that I put into my body. I have done quite well for a long time (until this recent binging problem). Then, I found myself really listening to every little thing other people had to say. I started trying to be perfect and abide everything that other people were suggesting as though it was the word of G-d. In the end, I totally got sick of other people’s opinions. Yes, they are opinions.

They may have a point. They may be scientifically supported, but all it does is make me go freakin insane! I have been a healthy girl (aside from my binging) for more than three years. I eat extremely healthy and I don’t like it when people make me feel even more guilty for not being vegan. Holy crap! I don’t want to be vegan. I can still eat meat and be a healthy girl.

Seriously, only getting input from other people makes me more obsessive. It also gets me to realize that many people - instead of focusing on themselves - become obsessed with fixing other people. I am totally guilty of that and now that I am realizing what it feels like to be the victim, I am going to be more considerate and keep my opinions to myself.

A friend of mine who is very aware of my food problems knows I have been doing much better this past week. I didn’t tell her. She said she could see it in my eyes. It really does show! That makes me feel super good. Life out of the food is so much better. I do have a deep fear in my body of food. The way the last binge came on was really scary. Inside, I felt like this uncontrollable monster. Nothing could stop me. I was out of the cage and would kill anything that got in my way. That’s how it felt. I knew I was doing something awful to myself, but like I said, nothing could stop me. As you may guess, I had lost that inner and natural light within myself. Now, I have a light in my eyes again. It feels so good to have it. I am enjoying it in the moment. I didn’t get enough sleep today and I still am giving out love. Why? I am focusing on life and not on the food. No need to jump into the food. I am going to share the light in my eyes and spread the love. That sounds like a perfect way to spend the rest of my day.

I finally came out ot my mom today and told her about my latest food problems. It was hard to tell her, but simultaneously, it felt good to come out of the closet. It was in this conversation where I think my mother finally believed that I have a food problem. She even suggested I go back to my old twelve step program (she was one of the people who quietly celebrated me leaving the program in August). Now she knows. I don’t know how she will fully react to my eating problem. I am learning from it everyday - what is good and what is bad for me. I am making this food problem end. I don’t want to say want because that means I am not on top of it. I am saying I am. I am not going to let food run my life anymore. I am going to love my body and acknowledge that I am currently a healthy girl. I want to celebrate my health and that is exactly what I am doing. I am celebrating. I am filled with positive energy and the nutritious food I eat is enough. My weighed and measured meals are enough. I am now telling myself this every day as a reminder to be grateful for what I already have.

I love hearing thoughts about how the word yes can simply bring great things into a person’s life.

I have been saying the word no so much to food and I think that is what has made these binges happen. I am working with the power of yes. I am saying yes to any food I want to eat. For example, “Yes, I can have that piece of cake after I have the 8 hours of sleep I need, a sufficient amount of water for my body, and three nutritious meals that make my body feel good.

So far, this has been very helpful. It helps to not have a closed door to something that is so tempting. I am still working on this yes method. It’s worth a true shot, so I am going for it. It’s amazing how hard it is for me to truly commit to the word yes. Saying no to food has become a real habit for me and far from fun. If anything, when I say no, I immediately start to stress about when will be the next yes? When can I have that food. If not now, then when? These thoughts repeat in my head over and over. So, what if I say yes.

It’s worth a shot and may actually work. I am a bit hesitant in this process, but I am going to go for it.

I saw this video and it really helped me out. It let me know that every day is a learning experience. My body and soul has been so freaked out by the whole thing that I didn’t know how to breathe through the stress. I finally opened up yesterday about my binge that I had four days before. I am doing better today, but I am still shaken up by the whole thing.
There are books out there about eating disorders and I plan to read up on the ones some dear friends of mine have recommended. I am also going to get back into journaling on a regular basis. Instead of doing it at night, I plan to do it in the evening. One day at a time. I was in a 12 step program for 3 years. Some things worked for me and some really didn’t.
It is so easy, from how shaken up I am, to throw everything out the window. I am not going to do that. I have so much love for my life that I don’t want to miss out on it. The good in my life outweighs the bad and I forget that when I go into a binge. All the bad seems to come up and take over once I throw food in my body like that.
I am moving on and I am going to start by learning more from howtostopeating.com.

I had a binge last Tuesday. I have not been doing emotionally well. I did get my period and I do know that makes things harder with my sugar cravings. G-d was definitely trying to make things harder for me when I was about to jump in the food. The line was long and it was late at night. I should have taken that as a sign not to binge. Everything in my body was saying NO! I should have taken that as a sign to binge. I knew I was going to be very emotional and a wreck - that didn’t stop me either. I jumped into the food. It was embarassing. While I am binging, I feel very ashamed and embarrassed when other people see me eating. I feel very naked and small. After the binge, despite my exhaustion from theweek, I stayed up late. I was pacing and on the phone with a dear and patient friend. I was so mad at myself. I was so upset with the binge. My acid reflux was going insane and I could totally taste the acid. It was an instant almost allergic reaction to everything I had just eaten. I thought of different ways to stop this but felt very helpless. The next thing I am going to try is to put into play the power of yes. I can eat all the food I want if I drink a certain amount of water, have a certain amount of nutritious food, and a certain amount of sleep. I am not going to say no to myself. I am going to say yes, but make sure that I treat my body well first. So far, this has worked. But who knows? I am still very vulnerable from the binge on Tuesday night. I felt like a ferocious beast who could not be held back that night. The food did taste very good, but the self hate I am dealing with now - not worth it.

Man, today has been absolutely insane! I wanted to dive in the food in so many instances. I have been using hot chocolate as a way to keep myself away from jumping into a binge. I am not fond of having the hot chocolate, but for now, it has helped. If I have any bite of the junk food right now, I will jump right into a horrible binge and come back being twice my size. I am not joking and I am not exaggerating. I don’t know when it would end. I called a friend to talk about my mental struggle and that really helped. It totally helps to talk about it. It forces me to make it more real and less of a denial thing. If I go into a denial thing, I become even more sensitive and more easily fall into this ferocious eating frenzy. I know many of you relate to this.
I still have the Sedona Method, but on a day like today, I didn’t want to pull out the papers and do any of the exercises. I lost my desire to put in that kind of effort. Instead, I wanted to just face it head on.
Really, when I think about it, my food addict had taken over and didn’t want to stay away from the food. It is amazing how my food addict brain can really take over things. It is a true nightmare.
So, I am exhausted. I am about to start my period. Those two things alone make me very vulnerable to wanting to binge. Both of them together - NIGHTMARE.

It’s okay. I am at the point in the day where I feel very good. I know I have no desire to jump into the food. That feels very good. I am at a place of confidence where I can just go to bed and wake up tomorrow knowing that G-d took care of me and helped me through a challenging food day.

Yes, it is totally nice to know that I am not alone with eating disorders, but some things I just can’t see. I am obsessed with being thin. It is something I work on letting go everyday.
I was at a dance studio in New York the other day in the bathroom. This girl came in to wash her hands. She was dressed in her ballet clothes and was all stick and bones. It was so hard for me to be around her. It felt like my mental problems were screaming at me with her presence. I did my best not to look at her because it only freaked me out. I am friends with one of the staff members there so I went to talk to him about it. I needed to get out of my head and talk to someone. What I learned next really was awful. Apparently, it is common for several too thin girls to pass out at the studio a couple times per year. They take classes all day, drink only water, and their bodies collapse on them. The studio has to rush them to the hospital. It is frightening. After hearing these stories, I was grateful to be in my own, healthy body. Being thin may be a huge obsession of mine, (and yes, I know I am thin - I am not saying I am mentally healthy), so it is good for me to be aware of what is too thin. Lord knows, I could take things to far and get my health in that unsafe position.

Duh! I have been aware of this for a long time but it doesn’t stop me from comparing. I know I would not like looking like those really thin models, but regardless, it does not help out seeing these images of “beautiful girls” and not looking like them. I am an insecure girl. I have grown a lot in loving myself, but I still have a ways to go.

I remember that I was waiting to meet up with a friend at a Starbucks in downtown New York. Randomly, there was a photo shoot going on next to the store. I was shocked to see such a thin model in person. It helped me realize that seeing these thin girls in a magazine is one thing. They look like dolls, but in person, it is a little frightening. It was a good reality check for me. I don’t want to look or feel like I am going to break. This girl may be earning a living as a model, but at least I have the strength to walk from one place to another or pick up a bag of groceries.

I didn’t binge on Thursday! I got into a habit of binging once/leading to twice per week. Didn’t do it. … and I still have not done it. It feels great. I feel very on top of things in my life outside of food because of it. Food can not only be haunting for me; it can be a distraction. This week, without the binge, I have no distractions. It is a great miracle in my life and I truly thankful for this miracle. I find myself eating better and less obsessively. I am starting to realize exactly how healthy I am with my body. When I really look at all that I am doing for myself, I am very proud. I eat my vegetables and fruit on a daily basis. I get the daily nutrients I need. And the portions I eat are very balanced (I use a food scale). I have spent so much time on wanting to be thin rather than taking the actions of a thin person. I kept looking at my “thin-ness” as a distant person. It was this far-off place that did not connect to me. If you see pictures of me, you will see I am a think girl. My insecurity with myself goes very deep. This past week, I really focused on The Sedona Method. I focused on putting that out there for anyone else it could help. Using a set of questions from that method, takes me through a mental journey that helps me really look at my desire to binge. Any time I feel like binging, I pull out the questions. It’s funny. Sometimes, I don’t binge because I am not in the mood to go through the questions. Either way, it is working for my mental state with food. For me, I am not hungry. I feed myself very well and healthfully. It is all in my head.
Now that Thursday has passed, I have broken that weekly ritual. It feels so good to end an awful binging habit. I am very proud of myself and happy to be on a healthy track. G-d bless!

You may have already heard of the program, overeaters anonymous, however, I want to expose this program to anyone who hasn’t heard of it …

From the website:

“Overeaters Anonymous offers a program of recovery from compulsive eating using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of OA. Worldwide meetings and other tools provide a fellowship of experience, strength and hope where members respect one another’s anonymity. OA charges no dues or fees; it is self-supporting through member contributions.

OA is not just about weight loss, gain or maintenance; or obesity or diets. It addresses physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. It is not a religious organization and does not promote any particular diet. If you want to stop your compulsive overeating, welcome to Overeaters Anonymous.

What does OA offer?
We offer unconditional acceptance and support through readily available OA meetings, which are self-supported through voluntary contributions.

We in OA believe we have a threefold illness—physical, emotional and spiritual. Tens of thousands have found that OA’s Twelve-Step program effects recovery on all three levels.

The Twelve Steps embody a set of principles which, when followed, promote inner change. Sponsors help us understand and apply these principles. As old attitudes are discarded, we often find there is no longer a need for excess food.

Those of us who choose to recover one day at a time practice the Twelve Steps. In so doing, we achieve a new way of life and lasting freedom from our food obsession.”