Eating Disorder Talk

For those men who follow this, I apologize, but this is a HUGE struggle I deal with for a few too many days a month that really make food life very difficult for me. And for me, in particular, all the sweets are ten times more attractive. Dude, there are so many temptations our there that look (and I know) are absolutely delicious. Dunkin Donuts is all over the place. Even Starbucks has a case full of goodies and in every Starbucks, they sometimes offer slightly different goodies. Oh, yes, I notice all of this. I don’t like the fact that I do … but I do.
How do I help myself in this situation? First of all, I sometimes have to take things a minute at a time and say “not for now.” If I keep myself busy, I can distract myself from these food thoughts. Last night, I felt so good when I arrived to my four hour acting class at 6pm. I knew that after the class was over, most of the food shops would be closed and I could get home faster with less temptations. I was right. It was great just going home, having some tea, and then letting myself go into a nice, relaxing sleep.
Another thing that helps me - I imagine myself giving in and engorging myself with the food. I play out the “what if” factor in my head and make sure I live through to how I feel after I eat. That really helps. How do I feel after I give into the food? Like crap, of course! Living that definitely helps.
For a short period (pun intended) every month, I have to deal with this and it is not always easy. For now, I feel like a survivor and it feels good to only let the good nutritious, and portioned food into my body.
Oh, and G-d. I must not forget my higher power. Without him, I would be super-stressed.

One day at a time. That is something I live by. That is something that keeps me surviving and takes a huge load of stress off my back. I do have my days where I think to far in the future and it totally stresses me out. A common future thought I have is about food. Food food and food. It is terrible. I think about what I am going it. All my food for the day is quickly taken care of and my mind wants to soar into my future to explore the unknown. I think “will I be eating healthy like this forever?” “Will I get to explore all the ‘fun’ food?” My head starts to spin and I have no more room for other faults. It sucks.
I have been doing this a lot the past couple of days and I am over it. Any time I see it again, I will tell those thought to “fuck off.” Seriously! Why did I swear? In this very serious situation of insane mental stress, I need to you profanity. Sorry. But my over-analytical thoughts must go away. When I get desperate to regain my serenity, I do what must be done. In this case, swearing is very necessary.
I may have a disease and an addiction to food. I may always be a work in progress. But I do know this, if I constantly work and eventually make a habit of truly living a day at a time, life will be so my easier.

Yesterday, I was in a rough place. I made it through my day and stuck with the food I committed to my higher power. However, my brain was on a roll. It totally sucked and I did not like any of the stress I was dealing with. Taking too much time to think about food is disgusting. … and then I found this video that really helped me (ironically)

It’s of this person overly enjoying his food. The food he is eating looks totally disgusting to me. I couldn’t even watch it all the way because it grossed me out. This has never worked on me before (with the exception of the occasional flu, but getting grossed out helped me stop thinking about food.
I needed the break. The break from food thoughts. Today has been a great day because I had plenty on my to do list and focused on getting it all done. I have even finished my dinner and I am super proud of myself. It’s the little things that matter as a food addict. It really is all about taking things a day at a time … which will lead me into my blog for tomorrow …

I know this feeling. I understand this feeling. Just writing down the title gets me to cry. I don’t like feeling alone. When I say those words, it gets me to acknowledge how alone I can feel at times. All the stress and pressure I have from daily life, it is always nice to be reminded I am not alone.
I am in my late 20s. Actually, I am turning 29 on February 16th. I may be at a better stage of acceptance with my food addiction compare to when I was 25, however, I am still a work in progress. Last year, around January 2008, I was sent this article that really helped me out. Since food is really a mental thing for me, it was good to read this short essay about what 20 year olds go through. If you are not in your 20s and are reading this blog, I apologize. But I do feel a need to share this beautiful essay because it made me feel like I was not alone and that is a huge deal for me. When I am alone, thoughts of food or indulging in the food - that has been my comfort, my drug. So, hopefully this essay may help for anyone reading who is in their twenties.

“They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends…. maybe it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in their state of confusion…..

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US

- Brenda Della Casa”

When I am exhausted, I am so ready to start downing the food. Right now, I am tired and “in places” to stuff anything and everything down my throat. Am I really hungry? No. I have just been dreaming about all the junk food that is out there for the past couple of days and it’s really getting to me. My head won’t shut up. It is a nightmare. Things in my life are working out well, however, I can’t stop thinking about the food. it is absolutely terrible. I look forward to when this stress comes to an end. I think I need to pray more. I have forgotten about checking in with my higher power and that always makes such a huge difference for me. That’s it, as soon as I’m done with this blog, I am getting on my knees. I need to take this stress off my shoulders. It feels practically impossible to carry this mental burden any longer. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. Sleep with make a huge difference, I know this, but man, I just wish I was normal right now. But I don’t even know what normal is!!! I don’t understand how people can be so casual around food. It can be such a distraction for me - and all I want to do is go to bed.
I found this video and it may be informative, but the music is annoying. Wouldn’t they have used better music if they are going to talk about stress?

I just finished my breakfast. It was a big breakfast with 8 oz of protein, 4 oz of grain, and an apple. Nice and big. Well, now I can’t stop thinking about food. It’s so annoying. I am ready to keep going and my body doesn’t need it. When I obsess about food this much, it’s usually because there is something going on in my life. I know exactly what it is - my lack of income. I have been applying for jobs left and right. It is exhausting and stressful. Luckily, I have a couple job possibilities opening up, but nothing is definite. So, how do I naturally want to deal with this stress? I want to eat. I want to eat all those yummy, chocolately treats that are sold at the local drug store for Valentine’s day. I could go into the drug store to just get a roll of toilet paper, but I will always make a point to walk through the section. I haven’t done it in a couple of days and I find myself dreaming about the food. It is sick. I really am craving the food and it’s all from the stress. It’s good that I have identified my drug of choice, but the cravings are awful. So, what do I plan to do? I plan to take it a day at a time and stick with the food I weighed and measured. A day at a time. A lot of prayer will also help me through this day.

I used to have this daily drink from Starbucks that guaranteed a good day for me. It was “Venti Soy No Water No Foam Chai.” Ridiculous, right? I felt so identified and special with that drink. If it was made improperly, it ruined my day. I would not stop talking about it until I got a properly made chai. Most of my friends new my ridiculous order by heart. Starbucks was a daily ritual and I couldn’t live without it. It was nice and sweet and kept me away from all of the “bad foods.” I never researched and made a point not to find out if my drink was fattening or how many calories it had. It let me be in denial. Plus, with my excessive exercise routine, my weight managed to stay down. I had it all figured out. Not! I remember when I dumbly looked it up and found out that my drink contained 900 calories. 900 calories! No wonder it kept me away from the sweet stuff. For me, sugar is very dangerous. Once I pick up something with sugar, I can’t stop. Having a chai everyday was like shooting the drug directly in my veins with caffeine to boost!
So, if any of you have a magic food item similar to the one I had, learn about exactly what you are having. See how much of it you are having? Are you overdoing it? Like me, you will probably say no. As I will say many times, denial is a very powerful thing.
I haven’t had a chai from Starbucks for 4 years. Will I ever have it again? No. I would rather binge on other sugar products. For me, that drink signifies a real low point in my addictive eating.

Let me skip ahead and take you to the point in my life where I learned I was a food addict. It started to develop while I was in college. I was not throwing up or avoiding food altogether. I was very controlling about what I ate and carried the stress on my back. I worked out way too much to make up for any crap that I ate. If I learned there was crap in a food, I would give it up. I controlled everything. I didn’t realize how much I depended on my food for my overall happiness. In 2005, I was taken advantage of by a guy and my friend died in a matter of weeks. I shocked myself by how I ran to the food. This was not the average thing we see in movies where you see a girl with a bucket of ice cream in front of a television. There was this level of desperation that frightened me. I really could not live without the food. And what was worse, for the first time, the food did not make me happy. My drug of choice stopped working. I was suddenly filled with all this sadness and I could not control it. I could not smile and pretend I was okay. I didn’t know how to be happy. The food was always the solution to my happiness and it was not doing it’s job! The same weekend my friend died, I went to a meeting for food addicts. The woman speaking that day - I swear she was speaking directly to me. She was honestly happy. I was desperate and wanted to know how it was possible to be happy - for real. I did have it, but somewhere along the way, as I dealt with the normal problems that arise as you grow older, I forgot how to truly be happy.
No, I never threw up or went anorexic, but I was heading in that direction. I knew I was mentally preparing to start going there. A lot of the things I talk about are part of my self-discovery. The addict inside me is opening up doors I could possibly go and it scares the crap out of me. So, I am talking about it. I am putting it out in the open. It helps me and hopefully it helps some of my readers. If it doesn’t help, stop reading and don’t waste your time. Find what works for you.
How have I stayed “out of the food?” I have become very spiritual and give credit G-d for stopping me from going so far with my addiction.
I apologize to those readers who are disappointed by my “lack of experience” in my addiction. But having that as a qualification for the right blogger - that is sick. We are all sick. Food addiction is a disease and I’ve got it. I’m not here to compare and have a contest. For me, talking about it is part of my recovery. This blog is just as much selfish as I hope for it to be giving.
But then again, I am not going to be too sorry, I am grateful I have still not gone there. I take things a day at a time. I can’t think that far into the future because I will go nuts into my addiction. All I have is today.

I had one of those awful food dreams last night. I was over at a friend’s house and there were some chocolates lying around. I had not had my breakfast yet and decided to give into the temptation. Next thing, I know, 1 chocolate turned into many chocolates. By the time I had put the bag down, my head was spinning in over-analytical thought on what I could eat for the rest of the day to correct my mistake. And somehow I thought that eating a bagel with cream cheese and then toast would cover for it. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t but my head was in a weird place. I had heated up both of those bread items and was in a race to finish them before they went cold. Only problem - I kept losing them, so I was constantly on a search for either my toast or the bagel. And as I searched, I kept passing other chocolates and my head kept spinning on what would happen if I let myself have some. It was awful. I started feeling fat and insecure. I wasn’t sure if I should just let it be a binge day. I couldn’t think about anything else except this food dilemma. It was a nightmare. I hate food dreams, but I heard that when you have them, it means you are on the right track with your healthy diet. And I am.

I never understood dancers who took laxatives. I remember I was once going to the Central Pennsylvania Youth Ballet (years ago) and there were some girls who got in trouble for taking laxatives. I didn’t understand why someone would want to do that. I never worried about my weight, so it didn’t occur to me that it had to do with weight loss. To me, the idea of wanting to poop more was really gross to me.

I could see where laxatives could be a fast way to lose weight. That is very dangerous. I will never try laxatives because I am an addict. I could see myself loving the easier way to lose weight and then going overboard with the drug.
Man, there really are a lot of tempting ways to lose weight that are just plain unhealthy. But for those who are impatient (like me) it takes a lot of effort to resist those easy way outs. I mean, really, all you have to do is a pop a pill, poop out a lot of stuff that weighs a lot and then hop on the scale to find yourself at a much lower weight. But that could become so addictive - don’t you see? I would use that as a pill to pop if I wanted to go out on a food binge. I would go out and eat a lot of crappy food. Then, I would go home, take a pill, and poop it out. It’s really just another way of purging. Barfing. Throwing up. Same thing.
To me, laxatives are just another eating disorder.