Eating Disorder Talk

For me, my issue with food is mostly in my head. My brain can’t just calm down if I make any “bad choice” with the food I do or do not eat. The more I learn about what is healthy and what is not, the more of a failure I feel I am with my food.
When I read the book mindset, it changed my life. If I look at everything as a learning process, it helps take off that negative pressure I put on myself.

Dr. Dweck distinguishes between the two mindsets:

Fixed Mindset:

We believe our qualities are carved in stone. We feel a need to prove our-self over & over.

Overall, we see intelligence as static which leads to a desire to look smart & a tendency to avoid challenges, we give up easily, we see effort as a waste of time, we ignore negative feedback and we feel threatened by the success of others.

Growth Mindset:

We believe our basic qualities are things that can be cultivated through our efforts. We believe we can change & grow through effort, application & experience.

Overall intelligence is seen as something that we can develop which leads to embracing challenges, persistence in the face of setbacks, effort as the path to mastery, & willingness to learn from criticism & find lessons & inspiration in the success of others.

This is a quick summation of the two mindsets. If anything, I really suggest that you check out the amazing book. It will be worth your time and money.

Since my binge, it has been a struggle to get out of the food. I eat my regular food and then all I want it the ice cream or some huge piece of chocolate cake or anything that comes to my mind that is sugary in some nature. It is terrible! It is worse than a food dream. It is a food nightmare that is pounding on my door to become a reality. How do I feel if I give into the food? Absolutely terrible. My self-doubt comes to the table and I am stuck in a negative state. I feel gross and unattractive.
So, I took a nap today. I was exhausted. It was one of those naps where my body didn’t want it to end. When I slowly woke up at 6:30pm, I was bombarded with these terrible food desires. I wanted to jump into the food. It was a terrible feeling and craving. I didn’t like it at all. So, now I have dealt with the craving. I have gotten past it, but I know it is only temporary. Every day will be a detox day for me. I don’t like detoxing from my drug, but I have to. Otherwise, I will go broke from all the money I could spend on food. Oh, yeah, it would be like this never-ending shopping spree. The only way you could tell I was spending so much money on food would be by how much weight I would inevitably gain. Dude, I don’t like this process. I wish and look forward to when I am satisfied with my fruits, protein, whole grain, and vegetables. When I come upon that contentment again, I will be a happy girl.

Wow! I saw this video and it made me feel so exposed. I didn’t know whether to be offended or appreciate the video at first. I found myself wanting to judge how people are choosing to speak up about eating disorders. Instead of just taking it in and appreciating the message, I judged the girl. I judged her and was making sure that she was being true to the role she was portraying. I know, I am totally going over-the-top, right? But it’s how I was reacting naturally to the whole thing.
In case you are a reader who doesn’t know about me - I have never thrown up my food. I have friends who have done it and I have fantasized about it, but I have never done it. The fact that I could actually see myself doing it - yeah, that scares me. No. It frightens me. I can completely understand the mindset of it. It is a fast way to get rid of what is making me feel so guilty inside.
I don’t know what is the best video out there on eating disorders. With this one, I know it is good intentioned, but for some reason, it doesn’t sit well with my stomach.

I was on the subway and sitting next to a food addict. Yeah, yeah, I was totally taking inventory, but it was more in prayer. I could complete relate to this obese man as he continued to dig into his bag of chips. I wanted to say, “I know how you feel.” … of course I didn’t say anything! I know it is not my place. I was just thinking how nice it would have been for us to make eye contact and know we have the same problem with food. Different, but when it comes to the mental struggle, I am so right there. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to not offend and present some miracle solution. There are thousands of different “solutions” to try, but ultimately, it is up to G-d. I am not going to spread the word of “solutions” as though I am spreading a religion. I can pray for others and myself in private. If this lovely person was to randomly ask for help, I would have been there in a heart beat. Giving a phone number to food addicts would have been my first move. I can dream all I want, but in the end, I don’t have control over other people’s choices. I only hope this dear soul doesn’t suffer from the disease much longer. It is so painful - being in the food. Please, G-d, help anyone who is really struggling with their food problems right now.

This is super hard to do. I am at home, tired, alone, and bored. Food would be an easy thing to give into at this point. But luckily, I got rid of the food … well, not completely. I have food in a package to mail for my brother. It is taped up and everything, however, it is still something I could break into like a desperate maniac if I chose …. I am going to resist. I am hoping that writing this blog helps me out with this mental struggle. This is not an easy time for me. I have to make sure that I keep myself busy. I literally posted two signs that read “Health = Success.” It is actually very helpful and motivating as I detox from all the sugar and flour (the two ingredients I believe are what trigger my addiction to the fullest). To be really honest, if eating whatever I want, whenever I wanted did not have any effect on my body and well being, I would be in the food all the time. But then again, I would probably go broke because I would spend so much money on food. It’s amazing how strong my addiction to food has been and will always be. Today, I am taking things a moment at a time and giving it to my higher power. If I don’t, I will dive into the food. I really don’t want that to happen.

Yes. I am not all perfect and cured. I totally had a binge last night. It was my own fault. I had junk food lying around the house for the “future” and needless to say, I pounced on the food last night. While I was doing the pouncing, I was simultaneously throwing away all of the junk food. It was all bad news for me and it just had to go. So, I got rid of it. I got rid of it all. Now, I have a house of healthy food. Does this mean that things will be easier for me? Absolutely not. Now that I have had a bunch of junk food, I have to go through this awful detox period. My body has now had it’s drug and desperately wants more. This period of time is far from fun because I have to retrain myself to stay away from the unhealthy food. I can do it, but it takes a lot of prayer to get back on track. I am not proud of what I did last night … and the only reason why I am mentioning this … well… hopefully there is someone out there who has recently binged. It sometimes feels good to know that you are not alone.

Today, I have done some research to find a chart that better explains the whole concept of food combining. I am sharing this information to give out some healthy ideas on how to eat. This is not about doing a temporary diet. This is about creating a new, healthy way of feeding the body. It’s a lifestyle. I way to live in serenity and “out of the food.” You don’t have to do any of this, but I think it’s always good to learn about different ways to care for our bodies.
“This is an important aspect of healthy eating and proper digestion. Which of course
is of the utmost importance regarding elimination. After eating a meal it is best to
wait the appropriate amount of time for proper digestion to take place. Lets say we
finish a meal which begins with a salad and is followed by cooked vegetable and a
healthy starch such as millet, quinoa, wild rice or a baked yam, the time necessary
for this type of meal to digest would be 4-5 hours. Eating another meal within an hour
or two will thwart digestion of the previous meal. This causes fermentation. Gas and
bloating is the result when we don’t allow food to digest properly, especially when we
choose a protein for the next meal. A meal composed of cooked vegetables and a
protein such as, fish, organic chicken, or organic beef or lamb, a minimum of 6-8
hours is required for proper digestion. Following this meal with starchy foods will also
result in gas. Most of us were raised this way and ate meals composed of
protein/starch combinations including fruit for dessert. Eating three meals a day
without the knowledge of proper food combining and transit time contributes greatly
to most common discomforts and is fundemental to most organic illness.”

This is a new concept for me and it is changing my life. I never knew that certain foods combined with other foods did not work well together. Knowing this is changing the way I eat only slightly and will only aid in the health of my body. I feel that I have put my body through enough stress in one lifetime. Most of the stress is in my head and is completely exhausting. All the self-judging and doubt sucks. No, it more than sucks. It’s every bad word in the world and then some. Okay, back to food combining. Did you know that fruit is digested best when it is eaten alone? I did not know this. Did you also know that protein and grains don’t digest well when they are eaten together? Interesting, right? So, with these new pieces of information in mind, I am moving my diet around just a little bit. I am happy about these small changes and am enjoying the extra peace I feel by knowing I am giving my body the nutrients and best food combination that promote healthy digestion. I will get more information on this for tomorrows blog. This is not something a person has to necessarily follow, but it is interesting to know.
I know, I know, this blog is not really about a personal struggle. It is about a positive, possible solution to promote a healthier diet. Take it as you choose. I just figured this is a small, positive peace of information I can share with the world.

I am awful with portion control. I don’t know how someone could have leftover food on their plate and not think about. If I get totally full and I see that there is still some leftover food on my plate, I have to give it away. I have to see someone eat it. I really can’t stand seeing food go to waste. This is not even taking note of how much I most likely have eaten at that point in efforts to clean my plate. If I was trying to eat a smaller, more normal portion, I would be terrible at it. I don’t know how to be consistent with a portion. So, how do I do it? I literally weigh and measure my food. That way - I know that I am getting what I need in my diet. I know I am not under or over feeding myself. I am giving myself what has been prescribed as healthiest for me. Without a food scale, I don’t know what is too much and what is too little. If anything, I usually go to the extremes. If I feel fat (and I do have my days no matter what I weigh), I eat too little. But in all honesty, I am more likely to eat too much. I love food and love denial. I can deny myself into eating a huge slab of meat that is probably enough to feed four or more people. I can down food like it is water. My internal food scale is broken. I don’t know how people can eye out their portions. To me, that is a foreign concept.

Oh, yeah, I can totally give myself a headache from eating the wrong foods. It is sad to admit, however, it is so, unbelievably true. I used to only get headaches from alcohol. As time passed and I drank less and less … and then I got emotional and dealt with it by eating too much of the unhealthiest food I could find. If something went wrong, I engorged myself in the food. As things became more difficult, I would jump into the food even more ferociously. Then I would get a food headache. If anything, it felt like this awful hangover. All the caffeine from the chocolate would take over my head. I would get a cold sometimes and be sick for a couple of days. My body could not take the abuse. It is terrible. It was terrible. It was what it was. I was fully conscious of my vicious cycle and did not know how to end it. For me, I will never forget the pain I felt after a binge. It was worse than a coma. It was a headache that would not go away. Food headaches suck.

It really does. When I am talking about crappy food, I am talking about chocolate, cheetos, Taco Bell, etc. Yes, it is crap and if you respond to defend it, you are blind. That being said, it is worse for me (and probably many others) because I cannot take just one bite. It is not that simple. That one bite is what sets me off into this huge, disgusting binge. Yep, I because this endless pit and start stuffing things down like I am a machine. My body may be a machine, but it is also a sensitive machine. So, what happens from my binge? Well, my acid reflux goes nuts. And when I say nuts, I mean NUTS. I get a sore throat from the acid and find myself downing aloe vera juice to desperately calm down the reaction. I wish I could say this stops me from picking up the junk, but it totally doesn’t. I keep going. It is truly sad. I keep going and going like the energizer bunny. The next morning, I wake up with a headache. Talk about a food hangover! I am not fond of crappy food. They only lead to self destruction to the health of my body. My body screams at me when I eat crap. … and it only takes just one bite. I have to stay away from crappy food like it is the plague. It might as well be because it only makes me sick.

Pain in my butt. I used to have diet soda all the time. I am not saying it is the healthiest thing, but it was my thing that I had that helped me stay away from sweets. Eventually, I had to stop because it was drying me out as a singer. Even more so, I had to completely give it up when my acid reflux came into play at the age of 27. In fact, when my acid reflux became a true problem, I had to give up a lot of things. I think is was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Being a food addict, I would many times say “to he– with it” and eat the wrong foods that would upset my stomach. Needless to say, I would get sick and go through a few days of recovery from the binge. As time has passed, my body has reacted more and more severely. In the end, I cannot do the binges like I used to because I don’t want to get sick. I have pushed my body to its limits many times and I just can’t do it anymore. Feeling sick is far from appealing to me. I am not trying to say or act like it has been easy. It has been a struggle and learning experience at the same time. But most of all, it has a been a blessing. I think G-d is making sure that I take better care of myself.

I am a big fan of 12-step- programs. They are super helpful and a great way to get out of our black holes of food issues. It’s a safe place to talk openly and honestly about food. It can be positive or negative. It is a room of people who understand and completely relate to everything that is being said. Yes, we all have our internal thoughts and opinions, but once you walk into the doors of a 12-step-program, those thoughts are pushed away. Like anything, you take in the good as well as the bad when becoming a part of any group. I WAS in a 12-step-program for 3 years and left because I learned that it was not for me. Ironically, I got annoyed by the fact that I couldn’t voice my opinion if I strongly disagreed with something or if someone said or did something rude to me. The whole point was to “keep an eye on my own plate” and I found that certain members didn’t understand the concept. I was tired of apologizing when I was the one who was hurt. I was tired of expressing my hurt feelings and getting further stomped on. Like any food addict, I am a sensitive person, yes. But some of the people were just plain assholes. Okay, so I think I have given a quick glimpse of two views of 12 step programs. In the end, I still recommend it. I may have my own, personal experience, but that does not mean anything. I am but one story. I would not be at as good of a place mentally if it was not for the program. Trust me, I was so far from being as open back in the day. I was not as calm, and my life was not as amazing because I did not know how to fully appreciate and be as grateful for it as I do now.

This is not an easy thing for anyone to do. I can be so good, just like anyone, at looking at what other people are doing with their diets. I could judge what they think and talk about. I could notice everything and anything. Do I really bother to indulge in these thoughts, to the best of my ability, I do not do this. I used to, but now, I do my best to focus on my own self (my own plate) every day. Nobody really wants to waste their time thinking of others they cannot control.
For the record, this is a blog about eating disorders. That is a broad topic and can be discussed in many different ways. Everything I say on here, is open for people to judge and react how they choose. That is the beauty of this blog. If I spoke about other things aside from food, then I would be writing for the wrong blog. Here, I expose my food addict side. I talk about my own issues because it is not my business to speak about others. However, if I feel like talking about someone else, so be it. As long as I talk about eating disorders, I am writing for the right blog.
If you find yourself really reacting to stories written, ask yourself why? Why does it bother you? I am comfortable with the truth of my life. I don’t hold anything back anymore about my food addiction because that is where I really get in trouble and get lost in this deep, dark hole of denial. It’s lonely there and I am not anxious to explore that horrible hole.
Hmmmm … where am I going with this? What I’m saying - if you find yourself bothered in any way, take a look in the mirror. Usually, I find, when something is really getting to me, it’s because I’m truly unhappy about something within myself and ignoring it. Keep your eyes on your own plate.

I hate all the good yummy food that is out there. There is so much of it and it is all over the place. Walking around and being surrounded by this addictive food has been very difficult for me lately. I love being out really early in the morning or late at night because that’s when all the places are closed. Being back in New York (that’s where I live in case you didn’t know), had been a huge adjustment. It had been highly stressful with trying to get a freakin job and a regular income. I don’t like the stress level I have gotten to. A lot has calmed down for me, but there is still some finalizing with my income that needs to be done. I don’t like not knowing how I am going to make a steady income. I wish everything in life (as far as making a living goes for an artist) could be easier. It has been a rough adjustment this last month. With the everyone talking about the bad economy, it is not helpful. Negative energy has a huge effect on the entire world. And for me, negative energy is highly toxic and not welcome. I don’t like it. I want only the positive. The positive is what helps me and it has put me in a good place. I’m working on it everyday. One day at a time. This weekend (starting today for me), is going to be a great weekend. I have a lot of fun planned for me and I pray that it will help me refresh back into next week. I think it will. I think I need the release from all the responsibility I put on my back. Time with my friends and family - positive. This is super important to me because all this negativity is taking a toll on me.