Eating Disorder Talk

I can be so good at hating what I look at in the mirror. At the comfort of my own home, I can find myself looking at myself from the side and getting all picky over any little thing that is wrong with me physically. I still have those terrible ballerina eyes. So, any signs of womanhood (hips or bust) are not appealing to me. Don’t get me wrong, on others it looks great. But with my own body, I am a cruel bitch. I was underweight in the year 2005. I got down to 112 pounds. Looking back at the photos, I looked horrible. Did I think I was thin? No. I would sit in front of the mirror and poke at my thighs. G-d forbid that they did not go straight down like a stick. I still practiced poses that hid any of my “flaws” and would try to make these poses habitual in my everyday life. I look at pictures of other girls with those long torsos and stare with envy. I go to dance auditions with girls who look fabulous in mid-drifts and sport major abs. I feel awkward and relieved to have my stomach covered. I compare to others and to my imagination. It’s a terrible and unending cycle. I want it to stop. I want to love what I see in the mirror. I know it is possible, but I have had glimpses of that love. I guess all that self hate became too exhausting. It takes less energy to love something. So, I am choosing to love more than hate … but it’s not easy. It’s a new practice. I’m a work in progress.

I am sorry. I am still listening to the audiobook of Skinny Bitch and they have gotten onto the topic of fasting. I am sure that everything they are writing about is well - researched and I respect that. But what about the addicts? What about the people with addictive personalities like me? They say you can fast from 24 hours and up to 10 days. I’m sorry, but in my book, that is anorexia. They do mention not to do it if you are underweight. But what if, in my eyes, I am far from underweight and have a lot to lose? This is what happens, dude. I think fasting is a very dangerous thing to introduce to some people who already have a hard time getting themselves to keep any kind of food down in the first place. Apparently, fasting is a very healthy thing to do, but we are not living “back in the days.” We are living now and we all that has been ingrained from the media - that is what we are dealing. It’s not as simple as fasting. We are imagining ourselves getting thin and it’s so easy to do it for too long. That’s when anorexia comes in. Skinny Bitch is a great book, but this section is definitely frightening me. What if the wrong person reads this and uses it as an excuse to stop eating again and go back to her anorexic ways?

I never liked bikinis. It was always the best way for me to be super self - conscious no matter how old I was. Okay, the exception being when I was like 2 and still ran around naked … but that’s besides the point! Wearing a bikini is prancing around in water-friendly underwear. Anytime I know I am going to wear a bathing suite, I got through this whole mental process of acceptance. I have not done my research, but I believe that bathing suits were invented by men. It is a practically naked item of clothing women wear that is socially acceptable. Why aren’t regular, full bathing suits as accepted? They still have the full bathing suits, but lets face it, most of them are plain ugly and not made right. I think it’s done on purpose so we have no choice but to wear the disguised underwear.
I am not that comfortable with my body. I am, but I am not ready to go half naked for people. Wearing a bathing suit around my dad is awkward for me sometimes. I see my mom looking at my body thinking, “look at my daughters cut body. Look what I made.” It’s embarrassing.
And with eating? Forget it? Who is comfortable with eating and then putting on a bikini? Not me. Any extra bulge is not okay.
Bikinis just suck and do not help me with my eating habits.

What is up with that? The healthier I choose to be, the more expensive everything gets. Yes, it does beat the price my body would pay if I eat crap, but it still sucks. Right now, I simply do not have the money to eat all organic food. If I could, I would, but that is not a possibility now. I get thrilled when I find a fruit stand on the street. It save me so much money, but I a sure that those fruits are loaded with stuff I would not want to put into my body, but for now, I don’t have a choice. If I invested in only organic food, I would be lucky enough to be able to afford food for half a week. That is sad. I kind of need to live for an entire week. So, why am I on the healthy kick? I am getting older. My body is becoming choosier and I want to keep the energy of an 18 year old. If I eat the right things, it makes a huge difference on my entire being. So, slowly, but surely, I am heading in the right direction for my overall health. Do I miss the junk food? Absolutely. It is cheaper and great for social life. It’s hard to find people who are down to eating most of their meals from a lunch bag. Brings me to another point about healthy food - if I want to truly eat healthy, the best things to eat are from my own kitchen. That way I not only know everything that is put into my food, but I can control my portions.
I know this sounds oober obsessive, but the healthier I eat, ironically, the less I obsess.

It’s lame, but I feel so much better about myself when I know that I am losing weight. I remember that I once got to the point of being underweight and I hated the idea of eating food to gain weight.The idea was and still is very foreign to me. It makes me uncomfortable. I was at 112 lbs and if you look at the pictures of me back then - it does not look good. Even at that weight, I was still poking and prodding at things that I wanted to go away. I was still not satisfied with my body. Since I knew I was still losing weight, I felt okay though. But when I was told by my nutritionist that I needed to gain and she added all these foods into my diet, I hated it. I loved eating all the food, but it messed with my head. I saw myself as fat in the mirrors even more so and extra self-conscious in the mirror. I wish I could just be happy with my body,

I am in the process of losing weight and it is a pain in my ass. I literally weigh and measure my meals and eat nothing in-between. They are the ideal, healthy meals with with fruit, veggies, grain, and protein. And no, I have not been using french fries as a grain or hot dogs as a protein. Last week, my weight was down from 124 to 122 after 2 weeks - going at a good, healthy weight. This week, I am back up to 123.5. Annoying. My goal - 116. I have been that weight before and it is fine, so don’t send any judgements cause you only know your body best (hopefully, for your sake). I am pissed. I want to see the numbers go down. So, what am I doing, I am reducing my vegetables for lunch and dinner by 2 ounces. I have been having 14 oz of veggies for lunch and dinner (which is a lot), but my body has always been fine with handling that amount. Well, I guess my body is changing and I have to accept it. It just pisses me off. I am being so disciplined and have been using the power of positive thinking (yes, I follow The Secret) and my weight went up! It really is super annoying. Whatever. I will check in with the scale next week and should see positive results. Man, I am super pissed right now.
Now check out this lame video I found on youtube. What man cooks with his shirt off in the kitchen. Apparently, this dude does. … maybe if I cooked naked I would lose weight … hmmm … that’s a dumb idea.

I am listening to the audiobook version of this great book and I absolutely love it. It is blunt and far from sugar-coating anything.

I am the queen of denial. This book does not allow me to go there at all. It’s absolutely wonderful. I love how there is random cursing and major sarcasm. I feel like the book was written just for me. I love it!
Though this book is wonderfully informative and a fantastic slap in the face, it is not a solution to eating disorders. Hearing all the facts does not stop a person who is “in the food,” and get them out of the food. There comes a point when a person gets sick of doing the bad stuff to her body and finally stops. There comes the ultimate low (which you hopefully don’t die from - no joke) that wakes you up to reality and jolts you enough to get you to use food less addictively. It would be great to not be awful with food at all, but lets face it, we are not perfectionists. … and we will use the fact that it’s impossible to be perfect as a way to keep ourselves in the food even just a little bit. Trust me, I know, because I have come up with every excuse in the book.
Skinny Bitch puts all the facts out there. It is a great learning tool on how to achieve great health on top of a fantastic body, but it will not do the work for you. You have to do the work yourself and see your own light.
Read this book. It is a great guide to what you should be doing for your body - when you are ready (hopefully that is now).

What is it with people and their interest in eating disorders? I have been doing this other blog called alwaysauditioning.com for about 1 1/2 years (or more) now and it still has yet to receive as much attention as this blog. I don’t get it. I know plenty of performers who (I think) would be more interested in reading a blog about nonunion life, but that is proving to not be the case.
So … why is it more interesting to read about someone’s personal issues/opinions about eating disorders? Do we all have similar issues with food? Though it may not be confirmed, I am starting to believe that most of us can really relate to some problem with food. Some eat too much, some eat too little, some don’t eat, and some throw up.
For me, I want to eat a lot. I am terrible at eating too little because there is just so much good food out there even if it is “healthy.” Good grub is good grub. The times when I really want to dig in is when something goes wrong in my life. One day, I had a really crappy audition. I had a great initial dance audition and then I got called back to sing. I bombed it. I choked on that vocal audition and I could see the casting directors instantly turned off when I sang. Another time, actually a week ago, I ended a thing I had with a guy I really liked. I was at a place where I only wanted to see him and he wanted to go for anything that was interested in him. Incidents like these make me very able to chug down two pieces of cake in minutes. Or pick up some donuts and an ice cream from the combined Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins restaurants.

Baskin Robbins and Dunk Donuts Commercials
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I have actually done both of these things when I have gotten really down. And when I talk about these things, I find so many people light up in the conversation because they completely understand or they just can’t believe what they are hearing. Do I feel better after I gobble down all the crap? Absolutely not. I then proceed to do a 2 hour workout of cardio back home in efforts to erase all the extra calories. News flash - that doesn’t help me lose weight - it only commits me to the exercise bulemia club and exhausts for the rest of the week.
I don’t know. I don’t know why this blog really gets more attention. Maybe it’s more dramatic and like some fabulous soap opera or something.
Why do you think this blog gets more attention?

I miss not having to worry about my weight. I remember being a 12 year old and not thinking or looking twice at my body in the mirror. I only paid attention to the dress I was trying on at Macys. Did I like it? Did I like the color? Did it have the cute bow in the back that I always wanted? Would this dress get the attention of my latest crush? That’s it. I didn’t suck in my stomach. I didn’t tuck in my bottom to make the dress fall better. I simply enjoyed the dress.

I would put on clothes that were fun and made me feel much more playful. Somewhere along the line, I lost that and even got in a slump of wearing only black. For me, I only looked good in things that were black, but in reality, I wanted to hide my body from myself and other eyes. I was ashamed of my body.
Still, today, I could go in the mirror and point out a million flaws. For the most part, I stop myself from doing such a thing. But, … do I really? How does one stop herself from being so picky about the image in the mirror? I don’t have a great answer, but it is a possible one - prayer.
I have found that turning to a higher power, ANY higher power, can be so helpful. I remember the first time I got on my knees, I felt this huge weight lifting off of my shoulders. For some reason, talking to something above me really helped me take off some of the mental burden. I hope you are not rolling your eyes at this. It really does help. There is something to be said about completely surrendering my troubles and letting it be out of my full control.
… it’s a blessing.

I am not the first blogger for this site. I am a replacement and I read some of the comments. Rude, rude, RUDE! Telling someone to gain 50 pounds is messed up. What if that sets the person off into an eating frenzy, anorexia, or bulemia? You think I am exaggerating? Unfortunately, NO.
I can’t stand hearing other people’s opinions about my weight unless it is a compliment. If it is a compliment and a comment at the same time, don’t say it. My mind is always in places and ready to be my worst critique and I can’t stand to hear anything from you. You may say something about my weight and have no thoughts of it later. But then there will be me, reliving what you said to me over and over again. It totally sucks to be in the world of mental stress. With food, it is definitely a mental thing for me. Right now, I am technically at the ideal weight for my height. I know this. Is it the weight I want to be at? No. I have already worked with a nutritionist and had someone watch my diet for three years. I can safely say I know what I am doing for and with my body. I am a performer first and foremost and my body is my business. I have to have the rock hard abs and look damn good in a small outfit on that stage. It is my job. It’s not a complaint, it is a fact. I know my body looks better at a certain weight. And yes, I have been underweight before, so I know my limits. I know where the weight comes off when I lose weight and that is exactly what I want. So, if I start talking about my mental struggle and complain about the weight loss process, I only want to hear comforting, supportive words - as would anybody. So, if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything!

In my Junior year in high school, I made it a requirement to have at least one reese’s and a nacho supreme every day. I made it “my thing” and took major pride in making sure it got done. On some nights, I would be on the phone with a friend and realize that I still had yet to have my nacho supreme from Taco Bell. I would hop in my car, drive to the other side of town, and eat my nacho supreme in the parking lot. “NacSuP” was my nickname for the nacho supreme because that’s what it said on the ticket. I was totally obsessed, but was in denial about my obsession because I turned it into a fun activity. It was like a joke to me, except I would really follow-through with it. With Reese’s, I mastered the art of making the perfect hole in the center. I took my time to fully appreciate the chocolate and peanut goody. I created an order for everything I ate, but with these two items, I was very specific. I had a ritual with my food and could not get through a day without doing it. I did not see this as a bad thing. To me, it was fun. My food was a big piece of entertainment for me.
In my third year of high school, I relied on these food items. They made me happy.

As I have already stated many times, I grew up as a ballerina. I grew up seeing photos of these professional ballerina with these very slim bodies. I never worried much because I had a naturally slim body. I did notice, however, that there were others who did have to worry. I ignored their stress and ate whatever I wanted.
In ballet, I developed a certain ideal for myself. The kind of body I wanted - I did not want boobs or a butt. I wanted to flat on both sides. I wanted to look like a wormy stick from the side. To me, I thought that looked more graceful.
Anyone in my class who did not have that kind of figure, I silently judged. It is terrible to admit, but I had these off kilter ideals about how the body should be for ballet. Not only did I accept it, I embraced it.
Sick. I couldn’t understand that bodies were built differently. I did not see how a body can be beautiful in all shapes and sizes. As time passed, the ideal figure was ingrained. I ended up growing into curves and I hated them. It was hard to accept the image that reflected in the mirror.
I wanted my body to be one way and it wasn’t. Because of this stigma, it has taken me years to accept my body and enjoy looking at myself in the mirror.

I grew up as a ballerina and could eat whatever I wanted because I had a high metabolism. I practiced the art of stealing at a local market with food. I would go to the market with an empty lunch box, walk right up to the bin that held hershey kisses, load it up all the way, and walk out. You bet your butt I would eat all of them in a single day! I could eat a lot and had no reason to watch myself. I would buy an entire loaf of bread and eat it all for a meal or sometimes just a snack. I didn’t think much about it. If it was good I wanted it. … and I would eat as much as I possibly could. I was unstoppable.
One day, I was being fitted in a tutu for The Nutcracker. The director of the ballet school was like a mother to all of us as well. She made a comment about how my butt was getting bigger and I needed to start watching it. I was shocked and let it roll off my shoulders as much as I could. I never had to worry about my weight before. I had heard and seen her say things to other dancers, but I found I never had to personally worry. This was a big slice to my ego.
So, I didn’t know much about dieting at this point, other than the fact that it sucked and I didn’t ever want to diet. The only thing I did know for sure - was that my butt was getting big.
I had a big butt and did not have a clue on what to do. I did know that I didn’t want to change my way of eating. As far as I was concerned, I was above dieting.

In high school, I was a major and horrendous asshole to my friend about her eating disorder. I confronted her about her disorder and she naturally denied it. How did I react? I made fun of her. I know, totally immature and wrong thing to do. I nicknamed her Skeletor. She was super bony and that was the cruel nickname I came up with. I am not saying this to brag at all. I may have my issues with food, but that does not mean I have always been on the innocent side of the table.
She would tell me to stop calling her that name, so I would … for a short time. But anytime she made fun of me about anything, that was the first thing I pulled out. I knew it would win the “making fun of each other competition.” I guess it did, but if anything, it made me a complete asshole.
It was hard to ignore it. She would do this trick with her stomach and suck it in as much as she could. Well, when she did this, I could see all her bones. She thought it was funny and so did I. But the joke could only go so far. … and I chose to take it too far.
This video below is where I got “skeletor” from. I know, it is terrible.

I don’t have a good answer to this because it is so hard to do it. If anything, the confrontation will only put your friend on the defensive and possibly get her to shut you out of her life. It is horrible. Believe, me, I have tried it.

I remember confronting a close friend of mine on several occasions. We did ballet together and I would get to witness first hand what she was doing to her body. I said things like “Don’t lie to me.” “I know you are doing it.” “Just admit it.” These things only led to huge arguments. If anything, it only did harm to our friendship. But we were close friends, so we found a way to work through it. How? I chose to believe her. So, when other people said something to me about her weight and their concerns, I defended her. I finally decided that I wanted to be the good friend and take her word.
Years later, she finally came clean and sought help. I felt hurt because I really had made a point to believe her. Yes, I had my doubts, but I stood by her side as she continued to harm her body by binging and purging behind closed doors.
So, how do you confront a friend? Well, if you really feel a need to do so, say it once. Say it nicely and from a concerned friend’s stand point. Do not point your finger at her and make her feel like she is being judged in court. Bring it up and the let it be. You cannot control what this person is doing. It is up to her and her alone.
Will your friend forget that you said something about it? No.