Eating Disorder Talk

Obsession. That is the word of the day. I wrote yesterday about having that half of a croissant - something forbidden for over a decade. And I’ve thought about it all day, off and on. I can remember it’s texture, taste, the guilt it inspired and the pride I felt upon eating it, despite the guilt.

I walked past that grocery store again, and I thought of going in, just to buy another one. I contemplated finding a recipe and making my own. I could add flavours! I could make cheese! Or apple-cinnamon ones with raisins! I could never actually buy one croissant at a grocery store and only that - that’s something a fat girl might do.

These mental dialogues are what plagues you. What drives you to restrict, deny, work off food.

I remember being pregnant and switching to whole milk in my daily Starbucks visits (I would get a chai, or occasionally a decaf white mocha) - the first sip I had of a yummy steaming con dolce beverage made my heart sing. I even commented that it was so much tastier with whole milk and that I had been an idiot for years. I had not had anything fattier than 1% milk for about 15 years and it was a revelation of flavours once I was ‘allowed’ to indulge.

But I didn’t allow myself today. I didn’t buy that croissant.

A step in the right direction though, was when my blood sugar started to crash and I bought an egg salad sandwich. Sure, it was on 16-grain bread and half made of lettuce, but just knowing that another third of it was mayo and butter and still inhaling it, for my health - that was a gold star in the recovery column.

We’re missing a star in the weight column though. I’ve been all-too-aware of the 2.5 pounds I gained, and whether they all stuck or not. They didn’t. But, I just have to remain conscious of the fact that weighing yourself more often than once a week, for instance, is not truly indicative of weight gain (or loss). So, we’ll see what Monday’s verdict is.

I’ve made it fairly clear, I think media has a lot to do with females’ body-image issues, but I don’t think the media is to blame for eating disorders. I actually think that eating disorders are a secondary reaction to the saturation of media in first-world countries, a quantifiable mental illness and that few will ever develop one without a predisposition for it. I don’t think you go on a diet to look like Cameron Dias and then, bam, you’ve got an eating disorder. And, I don’t even think that all girls who might look like me and act like me have them.

There is a sub-class of eating disorder sufferers calling themselves ‘pro-ana’. And within this sub-class there is a sub-sub-class, if you will, who many of us lippy ones call ‘wannarexics.’ These are the ones that give media full responsibility because they read magazines and perezhilton and thought, hey, I wanna be this famous and worshipped and being thin, that’s obviously the way. These are the people that truly sick ones sneer towards. In part, because they’re making a mockery of all of our work, but also because, well it’s just so amazingly trashy.

So I thought, you guys get to hear my opinions so often, why not have a celebrity from the most newly-popular media medium, the blogosphere, give her comments, too? This woman has been interviewed here before, she’s been blogging for eight years, she’s ranked barely over 25,000 on technorati (ED Talk is ranked at 65,568) and 400,000 on Alexa (ED Talk: 8,190,059), has won numerous awards for blogging and is a published book writer.

All accomplished by her 24^th year.

In Recovery Journal: Entry 2, I broke down a 1,900 calorie intake day and talked about being paranoid that my jeans won’t fit me in 10 days. Today, I’m not even going to go into what I’ve eaten today or yesterday. Let’s just say it’s very safe to assume that I came up short, though yesterday I did eat a very fat-laden dinner of butter chicken (made in my crock pot and ever so yummy). It’s not all bad, since today I actually ate half of a croissant - something I’ve not tasted since I was about 15. My god, they’re heavenly.

I don’t know what to say besides that this is a constant fight I’m having with myself. I can only seem to convince myself that it’s okay to eat when I’m around my daughter and she’s eating. It’s like, a family event. Other than that, there’s been some evening snacking, but it’s minimal and nowhere near the midnight munchies that I know a lot of people give into. I accidentally weighed myself today and it seems that my 2.5 pound gain has been reduced to only one. My stomach was uber flat again this morning and has remained so all day. It’s not bloated like it’s been the past week or so and it was so freaking hard to talk myself out of an internal happy dance. Because I know the only reason it’s back to concave between my hipbones is that I wasn’t filling in that space with food.

I also find myself questioning my body in the sense that other women, even women who have had kids, manage to have flat stomachs without the need for starvation or their hip bones protruding. So if I am capable of this, why have I never seen evidence of it; if I’m not, then why was I screwed with this waif-frame and ability to look round, at the same time? Seems like opposing forces to me.

Or at least like God, if there is one, is a bit of a jerk.

Stay tuned tomorrow for another journal entry. Tonight, I am beyond bagged and still have a few things to do before I retire to bed. Note to anyone applicable out there:

If you have a friend that you’ve known for a little while, and you’re aware of her eating disorder and that she’s trying to make some positive progress but is struggling with it emotionally, please don’t say to her, "you look much healthier," in light of a two pound weight gain.

It will make her feel on display and magnetized. She will worry that if two pounds shows, maybe she should only gain a few more or she’ll end up being a whale. It will mess with her ability to continue making rational eating decisions. Additionally, she will feel like a complete tool later on, when she realizes how much she is blowing it out of proportion.

But it will still sit on her mind and make her feel…noticed. In a not-so-positive way.

My best friend passed on the following tip to me: a podcast (link) of CBC’s Quirks and Quarks where in Gary Taubes, author of Good Calories. Bad Calories. speaks of his research, experience and opinions about the past 30 years of obesity-related advice. He hypothesizes in his book that simple carbs, such as those found in white flour and sugar, are what is really causing the obesity epidemic, diabetes diagnosis increases and potentially, even cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.

Have a listen to the podcast and let me know what you think. If this is were just another attempt for low-carb love, then I’d be extremely adverse to the results of his life’s work. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing about it.

But the fact is that North American diets have changed so drastically in the past centuries. And there are large differences between rates of the previously-mentioned diseases in the developed countries vs. areas wherein diets are comprised of complex grains, protein and fats. Where convenient and well, lazy food, isn’t an option for both economic and availability reasons. Is this a random correlation? Maybe, or maybe it’s a simple act of evolution.

I’m on the far leftist opinion of our over-developed first-world countries. I’m generalizing, completely, but I personally feel that our days are spent stressing, reaching to attain some goal that will not necessarily bring us happiness so much as put us another rung up the ladder. We seem to be making choices based on the choices other people make and as a society, are very self-important. And with these 85-hour work weeks, luxury automobiles, 24" waistlines, breast implants, botox, designer clothing, Tiffany diamonds and diverse portfolios, what do we eat? Wonderbread sandwiches with processed cheese. Nutrigrain bars. Smoothies, from those little smoothy vendors at the mall. We are over-saturated and spreading ourselves too thin, to start with.

What I’d like to know is why it’s taken someone so long to say it?

Yesterday was a negative one. Today, though I should be feeling very negative with daily life’s products and a medical issue that is blowing out of proportion, I am feeling alright, I suppose. I think it’s got a lot to do with my friends and their support. Two people told me today that they’re proud of me and well, I haven’t even succeeded. What will that say about when/if I do? A party, obviously.

So, I’ll be posting a weekly progress update on my stats. Daily, I’ll give some sort of indication of the food I’m managing to eat, though prepare to be unimpressed with my choices; I’ll also just let you all know my random thoughts and feelings of the day.

Onward.

Calorie intake and Expenditure:

Today I’ve eaten half a slice of banana bread, half of a gigantic oatmeal raisin cookie, about four ounces of meatloaf, a half cup of mixed vegetables, about 20 multigrain Ritz stix, one Smirnoff Ice Ultra, one double tall non-fat white mocha and a regular non-fat white mocha, in addition to my normal two cups of instant swiss mocha coffee at home. The damage? Somewhere around 1,900. That is working hard to throw calories in, though almost 1,000 of them came from drinks of some sort.

As far as exercise, today was a normal as it gets. My daughter and I walked a few blocks to her playtime class, I sat on the sidelines and talked mommy crap whilst drinking my coffee. Then we walked a few more blocks to the doctor’s office and then home for her lunch and nap. Later, we met a friend to walk a few blocks in a little block-sized park area and then a few more blocks were walked to, inside and home from the grocery store. Not a lot of activity, though I am pushing a 25 pound child in a stroller during those walks!

How I am Feeling:

Like it’s kind of okay. That freaking out about less than three pounds yesterday was ridiculous. But also that I will be between jeans’ sizes at my birthday party and maybe I should just postpone this until after then. Wait, no. I don’t want to do that. Now! is the time to strike!

Mostly, I’m feeling a little tired and overwhelmed at thought of whether future me will have the ability to deal with this.

As a little girl, did you ever dream of modeling - being in the spotlight, photographed, oohed and awed over and having other people wish they could be your friend? A lot of girls do, or alternatively, a lot wish for something similar via pageants, acting and/or singing careers. I’ve written about what a random magazine will put in it, drawing a correlation between content and advertising, and women’s self-image issues, but imagine the pressure you’d feel when very much in the public eye, say, on a reality-based show wherein the winner is awarded a modelling contract?

America’s Next Top Model blew up overnight it seemed. Tyra’s bigger-than-life personality, the semi-mockery of mostly teenage girls, the flagrant alternation between maternal guiding and hissy fits.  It had something for everyone and the word fierce became an all-too-well-used one. Then was spawned Canada’s Next Top Model in May of 2006. Andrea Muizelaar was the premiere season’s winner, to the chagrin of many viewers.

Recently, Andrea was interviewed by a writer for Wikinews, which has initially hyped that CNTM is to blame, in part at least, for her eating disorder and her subsequent retirement from modeling.

In fact, she explains her background, intimating that somewhere around 14 is when she became anorexic - she had decided that she wanted to model after outgrowing her geeky, awkward stage, and lost 20 pounds in preparation. After winning the show, she says that she was ashamed of her appearance - that she couldn’t face the children she used to babysit. She also gives quite an embittered opinion of Tyra Bank’s decision to select plus-sized models, though none of them have ever won the show or come close to doing so.

I suggest checking it out. It confirmed my suspicions of the show(s), but also, well, it made me a little sad that she was putting so much apparent blame on the show. I mean, you entered a modeling contest, what did you think it would be like?

So, I started over a week ago. I made the decision that I would eat a couple of meals a day and I would cut back on my coffee consumption. I took a picture of the soon-to-be old me, weighed myself and took my measurements. My beginning stats were 100 lbs at 5′6+”, with measurements of 33-23-35. My BMI was 15.9, not that it means much, other than I won’t be working a few different catwalks.

Now, it’s actually been ten days and though I started with trepidation and mixed emotions, I’m already on the negative side of the fence. It’s comparable to attempting to quit smoking, because I may want to quit, but after a little while of feeling pretty awful, I’m thinking, “Why did I want to do this again?” My current stats? I didn’t get any taller, I’ve gained 2.5 pounds and 3/4 of an inch on my waist.

I’ve managed to cut my coffee consumption down to three or four cups a day and I’ve been grazing during the days and eating meals at night time. An honest caloric intake estimation falls somewhere around 1,800. I’m used to under 1,000, if not closer to 500, so this is drastically different to me. And how am I feeling?

Like this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As if, this time next week, I’ll be 110 pounds and the week after 120 and then after that, who knows? The world could explode. I feel like my face is getting fatter, the sculpted cheekbones I’ve worked so hard for, disappearing. My stomach is bloating and I’m losing the outline of six-packs I had two weeks ago. My butt, gravitationally-affected and my thighs will soon touch. My thighs didn’t even touch when I was pregnant and I gained 36 pounds!

Yesterday, my sixteen month old, who has officially learned to give kisses, was focused on my tummy. She was poking her finger way down deep, into my belly button and giggling at how her finger would disappear, then she would kiss the puffy part of my lower stomach and smile. And I know, she’s just enjoying a softer, more comfie mommy, but god! it made me so uncomfortable that I cut her off after the 10th time and yanked my shirt down in shame.

And that is the really sad part. That logically I know, there’s no way less than three pounds has changed me much. But still, I am embarrassed for my toddler to show how much she loves me, 2.5 pounds heavier.

I’m going to go full-on, here at Eating Disorder Talk. Effective immediately, I’ll be writing a daily post on the progress of my non-diet, what I have been calling my attempt at recovery. I wrote about the beginning of this anti-diet here.

To estimate, this is probably my 12^th attempt or so. To be honest, most attempts in the past were based on covering it up, not healing, and they were inspired by how my disordered eating affected others – mostly family and very close friends.

What’s the difference?

This time, it’s really about me. I mean, in the past, I have been tired of the constant uphill climb that anorexia provides. You’re always working to avoid it seems: life, people’s comments, emotions, mirrors. The list could continue until I am long in the ground, I think, that’s just how deep a true eating disorder goes.

This time, I’m tired of being tired and not doing anything about it. This time, I’d like to feel okay. Not merely appearing and acting okay. Not okay because I’ve reigned in the control that I felt was missing elsewhere via fasting and manic behaviour. This time, I’d like to look in the mirror and not try to talk myself into thinking that other people are bigger and so it’s okay that I’m bigger than I would like to be. This time, I’d like to get to a point where I want to be bigger. This time, I’d like it to be the last time.

I’ve got tons of motivation in outside people. Friends, who I consider family; my daughter, who is watching me for 12 hours a day, everyday, and has this amazing love for me regardless of whether I am carrying 15 pounds of pregnancy weight or my pants are falling off; readers who write to me about their hopes for my health and happiness. Honestly, I’ve got everyone to be healthy for.

Now I’ve just got to want it for myself…

The past few months have brought anewed relapse moments. If you’ve been reading for a while, maybe even since my first post, you likely know almost all there is to know about me. That being said, since the past four months have been an emotional rollercoaster, it’s become obvious that though I may not be in official relapse mode, my balance is precarious. I’ve recently written about concerns I have for myself and my stature here, here, here and here. Yes, I do write about myself a lot - comes with the territory of being self-involved and having little to no outlet for it, besides blogging.

So recent emotional traumas, lifestyle battles, lack of motivation and shopping excursions have lead me to this point. A point wherein I will be turning over a new leaf. Previously, I’ve tried to recover for someone else: because of guilt, love, reprimand, fear, any of the kind of emotions that will eventually lead to being alone and feeling unacceptable.

This is the beginning of something new for me, because I don’t want to do this for my daughter, or for friends, lovers, family or my readers on the internet. I don’t even want to do it for my own health. I want to do it for my sanity. Stress can lead in so many wonderful and horrible directions, it can affect your immunity and productivity. And try getting cold after flu, after infection and work from home with a toddler who has little immunity built up in all of her 15 months!

Basically, it can be summed up as this:

• I’m tired of being tired.
• I’m exhausted from fighting for everything and ultimately being happy with little that I am rewarded.
• I am getting weakened from the constant sink or swim of everyday life - and I used to consider myself a strong person.
• I’m sad to see my true image in the mirror every epiphany or so, and see a lightly-padded, tired, quickly aging skeleton with sagging skin staring back.
• I miss feeling like accomplishments meant something, more than an hour after they were accomplished.
• I’m interested in feeling healthy and fulfilled, not like I’m consistently fighting off something and a failure at the moment of waking.

There will be more news to come. And for the record, this is not just a recovery from an eating disorder, it’s recovery from a self-damaging life - emotionally, habitually and practically. I’ll also be launching a new (related) blog, soon, so when it’s up and running, you’ll be the first ones to know!

Sometimes, I get emails from readers who have a personal link to eating disorders. I’m not sure how each individual has come across the site, but each one has a different story, request or criticism. All are welcome, don’t misconstrue what I’m about to say, but sometimes, especially with my own particular history with recovery and treatment, I have a hard time answering the, “what should I do?” questions.

None the less, when I’ve received them, I do try to put a lot of thought into my response. And in these past couple of days of mayhem in my day-to-day activities, two mothers have given me the opportunity to provide my own opinions on their daughter’s struggles. One example was the email it received from Jenny*:

I am searching the web, I’m at a loss because I recently found out my 14 yr old suffers from bulimia, and has for over a year. And for the first time as a parent, I have no idea what to do or how to help her. It’s so hard and painful to watch her struggle with this knowing she wants to stop, but can’t.”

Jenny,

First and foremost, I think it’s important to discuss in depth with your daughter, her habits, how long it’s been going on and how she feels about it. In all honesty, a lot of us don’t want our eating disorder, but a lot of us also don’t want to be rid of it, either. I know that can be confusing, but if you think of an eating disorder in comparison to an addiction, it becomes a little more clear. Alcoholics don’t just drink because they need or want to, it is a part of them, an identity and well, saying goodbye to that often means saying hello and accepting a part of you that you may not like very much.

Very few true eating disorders are about weight - they’re usually a control mechanism of some sort. Or at the least, a coping method for things we cannot or in the past were not able to control. Talk to your daughter and find out, as best as you can while respecting her wishes, what kinds of feelings are really behind her lifestyle.

In my opinion, having an open, non-critical dialogue will lead to a wonder of opportunity for you to support her in her recovery attempt(s). Know this, recovery can be easy for some people, true, but in general as with that addictive behaviour I’ve earlier described, as eating disorder is always a part of you. Some people will recover and relapse many times and you need to know this, prepare for the possibility and let your daughter know that regardless, your love for her will not be affected.

My other suggestions include the following:

• take her to a doctor who has some experience and knowledge within the eating disorder field. Have her electrolytes, organ function and blood levels checked. Bulimic behaviour is extremely sapping of electrolytes, in prolonged conditions can lead to organ failure and constant binging and fasting routines can lead to big blood sugar issues. Trust me on that one.
• read a few books on the subject, educate yourself and try to figure out what her shoes feel like, before you try to help her. I don’t recommend the newest “parenting your child through EDs” books simply because I’ve never read them, but two authors I definitely recommend are Stephen Levenkron (which is actually fiction, but you’ll find it in the Eating Disorder section of your bookstore) and Peggy Claude-Pierre. Claude-Pierre ran a treatment facility here in British Columbia that was…unorthodox, but through her own daughters’ eating disorders and the patients she treated, I think that her commentary is great. I also recommend the newer book, “Gaining,” by Aimee Liu - it’s about life after recovery.
• Talk to your daughter about the possibility of treatment. Via cognitive therapy, the Maudsley Approach (which I’ve written about previously), psychiatry, whatever you have available to you.
• One thing I am all for in terms of recovery is family therapy and one-on-one therapy in conjunction with the use of antidepressants. This combination has so many positives: the family is involved in treatment and therefore not only kept ‘in the loop’ but also may have their own demons to slay and it’s a safe environment for kids to unmask those familial demons; the patient has the opportunity, again in a safe environment, to get out every little shred of emotional incapacitation, which can be a reason why some eating disorders surface - a lack of ventilation, for lack of better words; and antidepressants can treat any chemical imbalance that might have had an effect on your daughter’s psyche prior to engaging in bulimia.
• whatever you do, remember, though you might feel it’s your job and right and requirement to save her, this is one of the first times, you’ve got to let her save herself. You can be there every step of the way for her, constantly supporting and loving her despite and in spite of her efforts (or lack thereof) to recover. But if you handle it like it’s a task to be tackled without her emotions regarded, even simply because you feel you need to fix it for her, you may drive her in the other direction and lose whatever communication you two now share.

Best of luck, for the both of you.

Terra

* Not her real name.

A website previously unknown to me is about to become a part of my daily life. I am in the process of joining the Checkup Today network, a community based on the topics of various health issues, news and stories.

As far as I’m aware, I will be contributing in part to the Weight Loss & Nutrition category, but there are many other great areas of interest as well. Check out the site and see where it takes you!

Another link I’d like you to check out is the National Eating Disorder Association’s 3rd Annual Every Body is Beautiful Online Auction. The auction ends on December 2nd and includes all kinds of amazing stuff like tickets to live talk show tapings, vacations, celebrity memorabilia, books (like this one, that I’ve previously written about) and concert tickets. I’m panning on bidding on this shirt, so come check out what you can do to help, too. So far they’ve raised over $9,000 to go towards treatment referral, support and education.

Since the blogging boom has erased the dotcom fall-out with so many professional bloggers and telecommuters, new forms of journalism and education being are being embraced and self-publishing via eBooks is going through the roof. What does that mean? Anyone can write a how-to, market it within their niche and sell it for a minimal cost to themselves and their customer. People are snapping these things up! Downloading them up, more like.

So, a question for you, fine reader. If you had the opportunity to download, virtually anonymously, an eBook that taught you how to have an eating disorder, would you? I know some of you, who don’t comment, but still do read, are pro-ana or pro-mia - why hasn’t anyone told me if such a thing exists, where to get it, or why there isn’t a demand for it? Are you all too busy doing crunches and running miles? Email me if you’ve got something to say on the matter, it will not be discussed further on ED Talk outside of any comments you feel like leaving.

And enjoy your weekends, okay?

Today, I ran into a blogging friend while returning some movies. We chatted for a couple of minutes before we parted ways and our conversation, it inspired the following narrative:

I’ve talked before about being pregnant with my daughter. And I’ve read at length, both before getting knocked up and afterwards, about women who get pregnant after a significant struggle with anorexia. There tends to be an even bigger struggle, regardless of state of recovery, during pregnancy for a lot of women.

Some find themselves lapsing back into old habits after years of healthy living, some fight everyday to eat the foods that they know their baby needs. Some women have even made the tough decision to not continue a pregnancy, if they know that they will not win the fight for health - they are choosing to not negatively affect another’s health and development and for that, I think respect is due.

I’m selfish, I’ll admit that right away. I’d been through the ringer with miscarriages and had also been told I could expect to never have children - I could get pregnant but not carry to term - due to my history with eating disorders. So when Zoë the Zygote came to be, I took five pregnancy tests. Then deciding that no one gets that many false-positives, I didn’t even need to consider whether I could continue the pregnancy. Someones, three to be exact, had said I’d not have children and here was another one, trying to prove them wrong!

So instead of the accounts I’ve read and heard about every morsel becoming a huger hill to climb, overexercising in “safe” ways, gaining only the minimum weight recommended and in recommended time periods, etc., I gave up. My body didn’t belong to me anymore, I’d decided. And you know, once morning sickness passed - the horrible, all-day vomiting that made me live within 10 feet of a porcelain god at all moments and allowed only for the consumption of onion soup, chocolate milk and mandarin oranges - I enjoyed a freedom I’d never had, it seemed.

Milk was whole and so very creamy. I visited McDonalds at least once, daily - baby’s fault, not mine, really, I was a vegetarian before that! I ate so often towards the end of pregnancy that a box of cereal lasted a week and a large container of yogurt two days. I finished meals in restaurants - both mine and other people’s.

I very seldomly considered myself fat or a whale or anything I’ve regularly heard non-disordered women say of themselves. I looked, rarely, but still, for stretch marks but didn’t see any. Apparently the joke was on me, because they were all hiding underneath my belly button, where my feet were apparently hiding, as well.

I even remember crying at two different doctor’s appointments because I felt that I wasn’t gaining enough weight and that I was a horrible mother already because I obviously wasn’t eating enough. I was. And then some.

To describe a normal day’s menu would be entirely too gluttonous for me at the moment, but rest assured, most days, especially in my last trimester, I was taking in over 6,000 calories. Double the recommended amount. All in all, I gained a total of 37.5 pounds in about six months - 50 was recommended. Because I’d lost six pounds during the first trimester of morning sickness, I basically started gorging on the world at 99 pounds. The photo above? I still gained another seven pounds after it was taken.

It took five months of breastfeeding, thrice-daily walks with a Snugli, four months of colic and the unempty-handedness that goes with it, and a diet of whatever I could eat while breastfeeding to bring me back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

And after it was all gone, I’ve really only a little bit of sagging skin and some stretch marks as damage. Oh and my hair has been replaced by some hippy’s, but that is a different story. It amazes me still how relaxed I was about the weight gain and morphing of my body and in hindsight, it was one of the more enjoyable aspects of the entire pregnancy. I wish that all women could feel as fine about it as I did.

Once again, a Post Secret rant. Last time, it was about how someone’s secret was that they hoped their daughter wouldn’t inherit their eating disorder – the issue I had with it was that it was a secret. Obviously, I don’t have a problem with a parent not wanting their daughter to be the new generation of emaciation or closet-eating. Today, something far more disturbing:

Here’s the thing. Unlike some…protesters in the blogosphere, I don’t actually think it a sin to have an eating disorder and be a parent. Do you really think the generation before mine, who raised my peers, were anorexia or bulimia-free? No, it’s just now more mainstream and spoken about (and publicized) than it ever was before.

But I think that there’s a responsibility that parents with eating disorders have that their non-affected peers don’t – the task of trying to keep it a secret until your kids are old enough to understand what it is, and then to explain it to the best of your ability and in the least positive way possible. Not to put fear into your child, per se, but to make it a reality. An unwanted, unhealthy, mentally-scarring reality. Far from ideal, but as real as dad having a drinking problem or grandma liking the Valium a bit too much.

This mom is one that I turn my nose up at. Because, if you are so obsessively throwing up that you must purge everything you eat and do it in a way that your child can hear the noise and imitate it, you should not be raising that child. I’m not going to push recovery, because really, it’s evident that this mom is in need of some counseling, but that child did not ask to be brought into a world where puking is a normal, everyday thing.

Let me use an extreme example to illustrate my case: if a parent was a regular pot smoker, but didn’t smoke in front of there child, necessarily, would it be right for their child to be able to imitate the exaggerated toking sound that most potheads have? Would you think that were the right thing, for your two year old to walk around going, “whoosh whoosh whoosh” while rounding out their lips and miming a pincer grasp at their lips? Not in a million years, (except for all of you crazy potheads who are reading this and laughing at the mental image, that is. Go get some Doritos, eh?). You would think it was completely irresponsible, wouldn’t you?

Well, just imagine when this little girl is four and hits the age where words coming flying out of her mouth without forethought (or malice).

When she’s 10 and starting to think that boys don’t like her as much as the other girls in her class.

When she’s 12 and a little moody, hell, even depressive, and spends days staring at magazines and the TV while snacking.

When she’s 13 and realizes, because she is so grown up now, that boys will like her if she’s thinner. So she must stop snacking, but if she doesn’t want to or can’t, then maybe she should just do what her mom always has – it’s worked for her.

When she’s 16 and suffering kidney failure and so goes into recovery with a new-found healthy determination.

And what about when she’s 17 and has her first heart attack?

And at her funeral? What would her mother think then of her two year old little girl imitating her purging obsession?

To me, being a parent is not about doing what works for me, and how my child fits into it. It’s about doing what’s right for her, even if it doesn’t feel right for me. And if I couldn’t do those hard things that I have to do, then it would affect her greatly. As that parent, I would never choose myself over ruining her life, willingly.