Eating Disorder Talk

One of the most popular searches to bring readers to this site is Kate Moss. That’s if you detract from the amazing variations of thinspiration, pro-ana and eating disorder searches you’d find on my stats. Back to Kate.

She’s been our eye-candy, diet-lust and cocaine-scorn for nearing two decades. Ever since she was the hollow eyed little girl in the CK ads, North America and the UK have alternated between hating and loving her: for her body, cheekbones, relationship with Pete Doherty and drug habit. I still don’t understand everyone’s awe when she was photographed snorting coke in that nightclub, but if you all want to bury your heads in the sand and think that most major models have done or are currently doing some major drugs…that’s your perogative.

So, in honour of your quest for Kate:

• Born January 16, 1974
• Kate was discovered at JFK Airport when she was 14.
• Initially made famous to out-of-industry peoples as the face of Calvin Klein (1993), but actually shot her first magazine cover in 1990 and did printwork for YSL in 1992.
• Was known as the “anti-supermodel” in the 1990s, as she was shorter and waifish in comparison to other ubermodels like Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell and Cindy Crawford. Unlike today’s unspoken standards, which are promoting more waifs than ever before.
• The image of “heroin chic” and major thinspiration personality.
• Gave birth to daughter, Lila Grace, in 2002.
• She’s a reputed size 4 (US), according to this site. But I find that to be a joke, since her and I have the same measurements and she’s got an inch on me, and I’m a 00.
• She’s been treated for exhaustion (1998) and drug addiction (2005).

Taken October 18, 2007 at that Swarovski Fashion Rocks Concert in London.

Advertising for her clothing line, Top Shop, in July 2007

Vacationing in Thailand with daughter, Lily Grace, in January

Calvin Klein Advertisement

One of the most often “used” photographs of Kate for thinspiration

Go figure that a study would show the link between college students who’ve recently left the comfort (and watchfulness) of home and binge eating. An apparent major influence is the interruption of social networks - those that leave home for college tend to go far away more often than not, leaving them with little immediate social connection before new friendships and supports are established.

Going further, I think it would be safe to say that people with an inclination towards disordered eating of any form are risking relapse or lack of health when venturing into any new living situation that disrupts the normal parametres of having parents, friends and partners there to guide and assure their loved one, and to police eating and body image issues.

I’ve touch upon this in the second part of my interview with Heidi, wherein she admitted that living alone has lead to a return of her past anorexic habits. And to generalize even more, to those really on the cusp of relapse or unhealthiness, a lifestyle change of any sort could bring about disaster.

It’s all about how you deal with change and stress, I suppose. But I can definitely recommend establishing support networks of friends and family in any new situation, as soon as possible. If you’re new on campus, join clubs and societies. New job? Get involved with some of your peers, even if it’s just to grab a coffee or lunch at the same place, at the same time. Look forward to regular dates with those you’re “leaving behind.” And don’t be afraid to call or write the people you rely on most. There’s a reason you feel you can rely on them - you can.

I haven’t been posting as much as I usually would. There’s several reasons: putting my business’ projects ahead of blogging, running out of time (and motivation) and also, the big one. The big one is that I’m concerned that my descent to uber-waif will skew my posts to the extreme of purely pro-ana propaganda.

I’ve written in the past of my lack of detest for pro-ana sites and forums - I mean, I do believe that they provide a support network for those that feel they’ve no one else to turn to. But that doesn’t mean that I want to turn this here Switzerland-aspiring blog into a pro-ana one - akin to changing from pro-choice to extremely pro-life. I guess that’s backwards, and not the same thing at all, but you get my drift.

You know, I’ve never lied about my weight, habits, history or status on these posts. Consider yourself special because to a constantly struggling anorexic, it’s hard not to lie and it’s even harder to know when you’re lying. We’re practiced at self-deception and every relapse is just losing a couple pounds and every recovery is because we want to be healthy and are tired of it all. The truth: it’s never just a few pounds for an anorexic, like it’s never just a beer or two to an alcoholic; it’s never because we crave health and fitness, it’s because we’ve been pushed so far into the thought of unhealth, that we crave it’s opposite.

During my last post about how I’m struggling, I said I was maintaining nearly 100 pounds. And I still am. I’ve neither lost, nor intended (I think) to lose weight - yet recent photos published to my personal blog and my photosharing site have caused Internet reaction. And then my best friend hugged me the other day and protested that I’m too bony. And then my neighbour had something to say, and even someone who knows personally of the life, being a person of ana’s disposition, she said that I am worrying her.

I don’t understand it - why I’m suddenly thinner or being seen as so - because on a social level, I’m patting myself on the back. Because to everyone of those people, it would be so easy to say, “Do you have any idea how much skinner I would be if I tried?” I can drop five pounds of weight faster than Britney Spears can relapse from sobriety. I am trying to not be skinner.

The screwed up thing: when people show concern, after all these years of people being concerned, it seems like a challenge, like they need something to really be concerned about. Good thing is, I really don’t want to give them that.

Last week, I talked about my new hair cut, accomplishing tasks and television, amongst other stuff! This week’s is below and I’m going to delve into stupid things like surprising beanie babies, my eyes and healthy habits (of which I have few to none).

Appetizer – When was the last time you were surprised?

When I weighed myself earlier this week, I had gained four pounds from (Canadian) Thanksgiving indulging. That was a big, depressing surprise.

But more so was the day before yesterday when my daughter busted out her first clear, “Mommy,” because for the week or so prior to this busting out, she was saying something like, “Mamameeeee.” That was an awesome surprise.

Soup – Fill in the blanks: My eyes are ________, but I wish they were __________.

My eyes are expressive and emotionally-sensitive, but I wish they were green all of the time, not just when I’m very happy, cuddly or sad.

Salad – If you were a Beanie Baby, what would you look like and what would your name be?

I would be a little violet coloured lemur, I fear. With some sort of cliché play on words name such as “Violette.”

Main Course – Name two things you consistently do that you consider to be healthy habits.

Ummm. I’m seriously at a loss on this one….

Okay, well, I basically go to bed and wake up at the same time everyday – but since that results in a huge sleep deficit, I don’t know how healthy that actually is.

Secondly, I am extremely open about my emotions. That’s good, right? Because, nothing is ever bottled up within me, catharsis is embraced and I find it easy to (over) analyze my feelings. I also consistently discuss these feelings, conflicts and angst with close friends, looking to them for both support and their opinions.

Dessert – What brand of toothpaste are you using these days? Do you like it? Why or why not?

I am using some basic form of Crest that I bought a few months ago when it was on sale. I buy things like toiletries on sale and then save them until I’ll need them and in this case, I wish I hadn’t. This over-minty tube is the bane of my brushing and generally makes my mouth burn if I stop moving my toothbrush for even one quick second it seems. I’m almost done the tube and look forward to switching to my daughter’s Dora the Explorer bubble gum flavoured stuff soon!

The problem with waking up one day with abs that are as flat as my neighbouring prairies is that it sticks in my head. Yes, I’ve got an addiction to flat abs, regardless of cost as my history can account for:

• I’ve gotten the flu. YAY! Vomiting and not being able to eat, like an instant workout.
• Mono? YES! I was too tired and nauseated to eat.
• A killer kidney and UT infection? Great - it’s time for the no yeast, no sugar, no starch diet…leaving little available to choose from.

So it’s easy to see that most relapses (or even just little walks down the path of relapse) usually come from sickness and it’s enforced diet.

I’ve written lately about how stress has affected my eating habits and therefore my weight. I’ve actually be very good at maintaining just under 100 pounds, which is amazing when you consider that except for the eight or so cups of coffee I drink daily, I basically only take in around 500 calories. I think the main reason I’ve plateaued is that my exercise level has drastically decreased as more rain, wind and work to do has hampered my efforts at walking and going to the beach and parks nearby.

For the past two days, maybe because of the Thanksgiving holiday, I’ve been eating a lot (for me). Last night, while IMing with a friend, I found myself eating a chicken pot pie, though I’d already eaten two meals plus snacks that day. Afterwards, I ate a third of a pumpkin pie, just because I wanted to. And then after, and even during, I felt guilty because I’d been doing so well.

Wait a minute. Doing so well at what? This lack of food wasn’t intentional, it was via crazy lifestyle management issues - there isn’t enough time to do what needs to get done and eat for me. Right? I mean, when did I cross from wishing I could eat more, to being proud that I wasn’t?

This surely is a slippery hill I’m trying to climb.

Today I’d like to talk about something that a lot of women take issue with – perceptions of self image in relation to sexual attractiveness. There’s this whole spectrum of women, especially younger and younger girls, who seem to believe that self worth is largely or even solely based on how men (and/or women, in the case of lesbian and bisexual women) view their sexual attractiveness.

I’m guilty of this as well. Though guilt is not exactly the right word.

News hit the internet last month when Kate Moss was repeatedly heard using the self-invented word, ‘rexy’ to describe herself and friends – a combination of anorexic and sexy. Moss had apparently dropped some weight since her last breakup with Pete Doherty and went on a ‘detox’ of hot water and green tea. This is just another example of the media and it’s main characters’ endeavours to shake up the non-A-lister’s psyche.

A study was undergone at North Dakota State University in 2003. This study examined the perceptions of weight and it’s relative effect on self worth, as integrated with sexual attractiveness to the desired sex. More specifically, it looked at how women assumed men would want them to look to be considered sexually attractive and vice versa. The findings: men were fairly realistic about their expectations of women’s sexual ideals; women assumed men idealized a thinner sexual partner than men actually wanted. What’s more concerting is the correlation between disordered eating and women who assumed than their self worth was based upon their (inaccurate) sexual attractiveness to men.

So, in this North American society where sex sells, surrounds and starves, maybe we should consider a more normalized approach. Instead of banning models from catwalks so as to lower the risk of marketed anorexia, why don’t the men we want to attract stand up and tell us exactly how disinteresting 00 is?

Not that we women should care, right?

Last week I talked about art, emotionality and being inefficient. This weeks is below!

Appetizer - How are you today?

Today I’m a mixture between melancholy and elation.

Melancholy because I’ve gotten my hair cut: some chunky side-swept bangs that need taming and the layers cleaned up. I feel as though I look edgier than I was, which is not bad because I do love edgy; I also feel as though I’m trying to diminish my mom role with a new look. So I’m swinging back and forth repeatedly between hating it and loving it and have plans in the near future to add a new colour to it – a deep mahogany-esque rinse.

I’m elated because I finally feel as though my to do list is shrinking and I’m no longer sinking under the weight of everything I have to do which seems as though it will never get done.

Soup - Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.

I don’t have cable, so this doesn’t really apply – except I do rent new seasons of Scrubs, House and Desperate Housewives as they become available and then watch them in a marathon fugue.

Salad - What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?

Um, thunder and lightening, I suppose. Weather is pretty tame in Vancouver – rain for 8-10 months of the year and sun or sunny periods for the rest, give or take a week of snow-like flurries.

Main Course - If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be?

I think I’d like to be somewhere in north-eastern Europe. I’ve heard tale of amazing work and childcare programs there, and from what I’ve read up on, their medical, addictions counseling and opinions, and sexual education programs are amazing and completely in line with my ideals.

Dessert - What do you usually wear to sleep?

I am a standard teeshirt or tank top and boxers or flannel pajamas kind of girl. Whether sleeping alone or not, I‘m all about being cozy in my fetal position.

So, if you’re not aware, there’s a very popular website called Post Secret. It’s one of the most successful blogs out there, without paid advertising apparently, and it’s premise is that people send in post cards in with an image and a secret – get it? Post Secret. Later, the blog’s author puts the best secrets into a book – which people buy and he goes on tours to promote. Anyways.

here’s the usual cheating and fantasizing and stealing – the seven deadly sins, basically. There’s secrets of retaliation and guilt and forgiveness. Most of the time it’s a pretty interesting anthropological study. A couple of weeks ago, the image at the left was one of the featured secrets.

Now, I’ve written in the past of my concern over my eating disorder, whether teetering in recovery or not, having such an affect on my daughter as to sway her towards the abyss. I mean, when you see someone 24 hours a day who is obviously plagued, it could consequently equal her thinking it’s normal or even acceptable. This is the last thing I want, obviously.

But my problem with this postcard is that it was sent into a secret website, meaning that the author of the postcard either doesn’t want people to know about her eating disorder (in which case, how likely it is that it will be passed onto her daughter) or she’s consumed with shame that she doesn’t want her daughter to develop an eating disorder.

Which do you think it is and how would this hit you?

Montreal’s Fashion Week has followed in the footsteps of Spain, Italy and England by banning models under the age of sixteen, as well as those exhibiting signs of an eating disorder and with a Body Mass Index of lower than 18.5.

Body mass index is based on a height and weight, and honestly, not really representative of anything medically except for a low weight-height ratio (or vice versa). The United Nations suggest a body mass index of between 18.5 and 25 for adult women.

This means I won’t be walking the catwalks on Montreal, either, dammit.

The recent bans are because of the suddenly front-and-centre concerns that the industry has about models being too skinny and having eating disorders. So, go figure, some models die cuz they listened when they were told that “nothing tastes as good as thin pays,” size 00 is the new size 0 obsession and there’s public backlash.

So, instead of getting these models help, or you know, creating the same standard for all shows, print, etc – an industry wide standard, I mean – they’ve set some limits on three (sometimes less than) week-long shows in the past, what, year and a half?

The quote in this article stated that this will hopefully contribute to the success of the fashion industry. Sorry, what? Since when is the success of fashion based on the model’s weights? Oh wait. The fashion industry’s success has multiplied like a bad herpes outbreak since size 0 – well, let’s be honest, grunge and it’s heroine chic look – came out into the limelight.

Let’s not kid ourselves, we’d like to see healthier, stronger models because it makes us feel better about us, not about clothes.