Eating Disorder Talk

There comes a huge sense of relief when I am eating natural foods like fruits and vegetables. I don’t question what I am putting into my body because it is all natural. If I had the money, I would purchase only organic foods to ensure that I am taking proper care of my body. At the moment, this is not a possibility. I do not have the money. Period. In the meantime, I do the best I can and try my best to not beating up myself for not being “perfect.” So, while there is relief in eating healthfully, there is also a lot of pressure I put on myself. I want to be the best at everything! I want to save the world in a single day! I want to be on top! Yeah, I know that is unrealistic and the best way to completely lose sight of enjoying the journey. If I am picking at every choice I make in my healthy eating habits, I am going to drive myself insane.

This is a big step for me. I have been allowing myself to eat junk food once per week and my weight is maintaining because of it. I want to lose 6 pounds. For me to do it, I have to let go of my junk food day. So, I am going to make a big change - no junk food days for an entire month. Period. I just had a junk food day today and I am over it. It is not going to be an easy journey, so I am going to have to reach out, learn, and communicate all the time in order to stop myself from going back into my old binging habits that only made me feel extra crappy about myself. Tomorrow is day one. I can do this and have to believe that I can do this. Anything is possible. I will consider this to be a great opportunity for growth. If you have anything positive or helpful to say to help me get through this in good, mental health, by all means, please feel free to email me and say it.

This video was really helpful for me:

I have been using sugar drinks like mochas as a way to keep me away from all the crappy food I have been craving. Does this keep my weight down? I don’t think so. There are still tons of calories in that food alone. Help! I don’t know how to freakin lose the weight. Every week, if not everyday, I feel like crying for help. My weight goes down slowly, but it is basically sitting at the same weight. I don’t like it. I need to make some changes for myself to make the last 6 pounds go away for me. That’s what I want to happen. I want to lose those 6 pounds. I may have to hire a professional. Once I lose those 6 pounds, I will be content because I know what I have to do in order to maintain my weight - what I am doing now. Losing this last few pounds is the hardest thing to do. I remember when I first started to lose weight. The pounds came off quickly at first. But as everything comes to the tail end, it all slows down. Annoying! A big part of me wants to rush it and jump into an eating disorder. That would be the perfect, quick solution.

Back to my point - sugar drinks. I do enjoy them, but the times I indulge, I get this feeling of guilt. It’s almost as thought I gave into the Skor bar, but a little less guilt. I am seriously not happy about the slowness of my weight situation. I feel like I have been patient but enough is enough.

I don’t know if this really works, but I am starting to get curious about it. I eat so healthfully that it’s odd to me that my weight is not going down any faster than I think it should. My weight seems to want to sit at this one place. I don’t have a clue on what to do unless I do something unhealthy, so I am starting to think a lot of it may all be in my head. Could this be a true setback with my goals? Or am I just coming up with nonsense?
How could using the mind be so powerful? I really don’t get it. Is it some kind of magic trick? It would be good to believe that I can accomplish and reach my goal weight. Is it that easy? For me, it feel like the weight I desire is miles upon miles away. I want the weight off my body. Period.
Can this just happen?

I overheard a beautiful girl talking about how she was unhappy with her body today. It was sad to hear it coming from this truly beautiful girl. We all have the perfect body disease. I know one girl who is truly happy with her body and she is rail thin. It’s hard to not have a complex no matter what size you are. My two brothers are always complaining about how it is nearly impossible for them to gain wait. My oldest, if he doesn’t watch it, loses pounds “by accident.” I wish I had that problem. …. but I don’t. Instead, I eat a very healthy diet and panic if I indulge in a sugar free red bull or too much sugar free/low calorie mochas.
So, here I was hearing this beautiful girl being honest about her unhappiness with her figure. I completely related and I felt a little more at ease. We are not alone. Even if you already knew that, you should know just as well the importance of being reminded about that fact. It’s easy to forget.

How the heck do I stop getting bothered by this lower belly I have? It’s not huge, but it’s definitely not flat and it annoys the crap out of me. What do I want? I want to have flat abs and to see the muscles I have behind the flab. I can’t stand that extra flab that just sits there. Other parts of my body - I am content and happy, but the one spot I always notice is my lower abs. Every day (and this is no exaggeration), I look at the profile of my body. It’s not bad, but that small bulge is just sitting there or ready to come out after a freakin meal. I don’t like it. I saw these people on tv with amazing abs. Why don’t I have that? How do they do it? I know, I know, I have to be patient. I am eating healthy and that’s all I can do. I pray to G-d for patience.

I AM RIDICULOUS.

I ate saltine crackers today and I am totally beating myself up for it. I keep going around in these circles - analyzing what I could do to get rid of the extra calories. It is annoying how my mind keeps wanting to analyze this has a “set back” in my dieting. So annoying. My acid reflux went a little crazy and saltine crackers always help calm my stomach down. That’s it. Why must I analyze it. The crackers were healing to my body.
I saw myself picking at my body and being just plain unhappy with the reflection. I do not like how cruel I am to myself. I want to get over this and just celebrate what G-d has given me.

Zero Calories. This drink is heaven for my food addict mind because it gives me a ton of energy and I don’t have to obsess about getting fat. … but I did some research that I wasn’t shocked to learn.

Here’s a bit of an article I found in the Seattle Times written by Ari Bloomekatz:

“Red Bull says “it gives you wings.”

No way, say medical experts.

Not only do such drinks fail to offer a special boost, they say, their high caffeine and sugar content causes dehydration and could be dangerous for the young and active.

“These drinks are marketing ploys. I’m not aware of any scientific data that they do what they say they’re going to do,” said Mark Kantor, professor of family and consumer sciences and nutrition at the University of Maryland, who specializes in consumer education. “They don’t give you more energy.”

“A nutritionist defines energy as calories,” said Kantor. “If you refer to energy as something that gives you pep and zip and stamina, that’s just a myth. There’s nothing that provides that in food.”

Nonetheless, energy drinks, which have high amounts of caffeine and ingredients such as taurine and glucuronolactone, have exploded in the beverage market since 1997. There are now more than 1,000 different brands in the roughly $1 billion industry, said John Craven, editor of the Cambridge, Mass., based beverage-review site BevNET.com, “the beverage industry’s source for product reviews, news & more.”

Most of the explosion has been among young people. Some guzzle down the drinks at clubs and bars, mixing them with liquor; others tank up before playing in a sports event or grab a can to prepare for the work day or to stay awake and study.

Such uses trouble doctors.

“[Energy drinks] get to be problematic when used in combination with alcohol or when used before sports or with kids,” said Maher Karam-Hage, medical director of the Chelsea Arbor Addiction Treatment Center at the University of Michigan. Karam-Hage is an addiction specialist who has been a vocal critic of energy drink-alcohol cocktails.

The main cause of concern, doctors say, is that the drinks cause extreme dehydration. ”

I get it. I get it. Red Bull is not great for my body. … I want to be able to indulge in something that keeps me away from the goodies. And it can’t be something I have to worry about having very little of. I am someone who goes overboard. So … does this “thing” exist?

… at a water park was very eye opening. First of all, it made me very aware that I am not happy with my body. My abs just are not where I want them to be. I want them to be flat and for the pooch in the front to be gone. Just go away! It was impossible for me to not look at other bodies and constantly compare myself to them. Most of the time, I thought of how it was when I was younger. I thought about what I would have thought if I saw someone with my body. It was not fun judging myself to such an extreme.
It was a big lesson for me that day. I know I am not at my goal weight and I will keep working towards it. I am not going to listen to other people’s opinions. My goal weight is healthy and I have spoken and worked with professionals to know what is healthy. I am not in any denial on this one.
I am, however, definitely obsessing still. I need to move on, be patient, and be confident that I will reach my weight goal and stay there.

Oy. This gets me every time. It’s that food event that has all my friends attending. The event is all about the food. What do I do? I go and socialize and don’t touch the food. The secret, for me, is to exit the room when it is eating time. Last time this happened, there was this big sausage barbeque. I wanted to be there in on the fun. … but I knew I did not want to be putting that food into my stomach. So, I left into a quiet room and watched some tv while the rest happily stuffed themselves. They had a great time and didn’t notice I was gone for the food period because they were focused food moment … and rightly so. I wouldn’t notice other things if I was eating that deliciousness. A huge part of me wishes that these social events revolving around food didn’t exist. They are here to stay and I have to accept it. I just focus on the people and leave when necessary. It works for me.

Yep, that is exactly what I do. I obsess over pictures. If my body is in the photo, that becomes yet another huge deal. I HAVE to look thin. If I can see any fat, I evaluate what other people might think. I instantly fear that people will judge and think I have an nasty figure.
I am extremely hard on myself.
… what brought this up for me?
I went out swimming with some buddies and had a photo taken of myself in a swimsuit. I specifically leaned back in my chair and sucked in my stomach to look thin. Yeah … I my stomach didn’t flatten out like I would have preferred. Instead, there was still that small, little pooch below my belly button. The pooch that did not want to go away.
I am going to a Water Park on Monday and I still have that image in my head. One picture. I need to get over this.

Re: Not possible for all people
Ummmm…. I completely understand, relate, and agree. Even if we know that is what needs to be done, it feels dead impossible to eat measured meals. I did not think it was possible until I found my way through a 12 step program, coming out of the closet as a food addict, letting G-d into my life … the list goes on. I was never a diet person because I thought I was too cool for diets. There is no single answer for a person on the best way to lose weight or be healthy. There are five million opinions and five million journeys. In this blog, I will only speak of my thoughts, journey, and opinions. I am blunt in my opinions and do not mean to frustrate others. I am sure that your opinions are just as strong (if not stronger) than mine. My only prayer is that each person struggling finds his or her own journey out of their food problems. I believe it is possible for everyone. If I didn’t, I would have lost the hope that has kept me in such a healthy mental and physical state since 2005. … and trust me … I still have plenty of growth in store for me … I am not a finished product.

I know the obvious answer - eat. That is simple until I ask, How much? I have eaten my meals for the day and now I am hungry. It is 10:30pm, so maybe that has something to do with it - being close to bed - time. In the past, the evening has been my known time to binge. It’s an unfortunate truth for me and many others with binging problems.
So, here I am and I am/was hungry. I didn’t eat. Instead, I made myself a warm drink. It settled my desire for food and I feel much better now. Was this the right thing to do? I don’t want to be starving myself. I think I am probably fine. I just am really good at over-analyzing and wasting my time thinking about my food activities. It can be quite annoying.
So, was I really hungry or not? The drink satisfied me. I really don’t have a clue.

Dude, this diet is just plain awful. You are cutting out carbs and sugars that you are supposed to intake daily. This is a temporary thing. It is not something you do forever and you do gain the weight back. This diet is a complete joke. Apparently, it is common for people to feel sick on the third day on the diet. Hello!!!! That should be the biggest hint that you are doing the wrong thing to your body.
I will say it over and over again, if you want to lose weight, eat healthy good portions. That’s it. I know that is not the easiest thing to do, but it is the truth. If you are not doing it and struggling, you know why you are not losing weight. There is no huge secret to it. We are always hoping to find some secret to fast weight loss.
There are fast ways … but they are all totally unhealthy. The south beach diet is a perfect example of an unhealthy diet.
… just freakin eat healthy, dude! … and consult a nutritionist to make sure you stay at a healthy weight.

It is so tough to watch these videos. If you are anorexic or even thinking about it, watch these videos. You will never be satisfied with how you look. Trust me, I know. You have to accept and embrace who you are. I know it is hard. But you can literally kill yourself if you let your head control your life. I have had to gain weight before. I was not extremely underweight, but I was definitely underweight at 5′5″ at 112 lbs. Hearing that I had to gain weight was one thing. Actually doing it, was ten times more difficult. I still thought the fat on my thighs needed to go away and there was still cheese on my butt. I remember calling my nutritionist and begging to reduce my food intake. I was done with weight gain when I got up to 116 pounds (still underweight). I still speak about it and struggle with my lack of body satisfaction. I pray that one day I will be happy with my reflection. For now, I am just grateful to be alive and healthy. One day at a time, I guess.